I’m a
sucker for a good romantic movie. I love all the best lines from them, “You had
me at hello.” “I’d rather make love with you, than fight with anyone else.” “To
me, you are perfect.” I could go on for days. This story needs to start with a
particular quote, from one of my favorite movies, When Harry Met Sally- “…when
you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the
rest of your life to start as soon as possible. “
I thought
love at first sight was poppycock, malarkey. Just because I love movies and
love songs, doesn’t mean I believe people fall head over heels in a matter of
seconds, moments, or days. My experiences were anything but that. It’s because
I hadn’t met her.
I was
struck by her the first time I saw her. Seriously- the very first time. I took
my time about things, since I was very occupied dating one “special” person
after another. I always noticed her though. A few months went by, and I got the
distinct impression she was avoiding me as much as I wasn’t going out of my way
to meet her. I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt like the minute I
talked to her things would be different. P.S. she totally was avoiding me.
My feeling
was right. The first day I actually talked to her, I was a complete goner. If
this was a movie, there would have been music, maybe some bluebirds, and a
couple of singing mice. Yes, all the things they tell you it’s like- lightening
striking, fireworks, magnets, the world being knocked off its axis. I ditched out
early on a date I had that night, (poor guy, he didn’t have a chance) and I
called one of my greatest friends, telling her how this girl
affected me. She turned right around and asked me, “Then why are you on the
phone with me?” She and I kissed that first night. I truly believe it may have
been the sweetest kiss on record.
She
approached us with caution. Myself on the other hand, with reckless abandon. It
was the first time, I was not afraid. I can’t tell you why. I’ve got a very
strong fight or flight response, and though I sensed this relationship could
really hurt, it also had the potential to be something great. So I dove in. I’ve
been burned, and I’ve had my heart broken, more than once. I’ve experienced the
loss and pain that goes along with it. I can’t explain why it was so different
with her. I couldn’t hide- she saw me. She was unlike anyone I had ever
encountered. I was ill-equipped to fight how I felt, even if I wanted to.
Early on we
were tested over and over. By the leftovers from past relationships, and by
ourselves. We were fire and ice. Our similarities made things easier, and our
differences challenged one another on almost a daily basis. I’ve never fought
with anyone the way I’ve fought with her. I haven’t shown so much of myself as
I have with her. I can’t even explain it to my friends- twitterpatted didn’t
cover it. I was drawn to her. I didn’t need her, I wanted her. But damn, it
felt like need.
I knew we
would face things other couples wouldn’t have to- we have both a biracial, and a
same sex relationship. I was better equipped by age and experience to deal with
these things. Well, some days anyway. She was forced to learn on the fly, and
be challenged by everything she knew- including society, and her faith. She noticed the things I didn’t- the looks,
the whispers. To compound it all, her internal struggle with it.
Then she
says, “I love you” and all of it melts away, (for the record, she said it
first). All of my frustration, all of my fears. My fear that I won’t be able to
take care of her, to provide for her. That I can’t give her children, or marry
her in the church the way she deserves. That what we have, the fire between us
will be put out because we can’t hold onto each other.
We haven’t
done one damn thing on a conventional timeline. I should have known, since not
a damn thing about us is conventional. Our friends say we’re nauseating. Our
parents think it’s sweet. All I can do at this point, is shrug. It makes sense to us, that’s all that matters
here.
What she
stirs inside me is real. Her beauty, her faith, and the way she moves in this world make me fall in love with her more and more every day. How she feels when I hold her
close, when I get to hear the huskiness in her voice when I wake up next to
her. She’s my little firecracker, my dreamer, my muse. She also drives me nuts. Anyone who has been in the deep end of love knows exactly what I'm talking about. I know I drive her batty too. She's worth all of it. She was worth the wait.
She’s the lyrics to love songs, every love quote, and someone you dream of
loving. I have no idea if this is the final love story for me, but damned I
hope to the moon and back she is. I’ve never loved the way I love her.
Because, “every time
you kiss me, its like sunshine and whiskey.”
