I remember the first time I saw a picture of you- I remember sitting there, looking at it for a long time. I can't tell you why, what it was that held me there. It was months ago, months before we ever met.
Time passed, and I kept hearing your name mentioned. It's funny how when you come out of the fog of a relationship, everything else comes into sharper focus. There you were again and again, "Oh you should meet," "You'd get along well with," "I always have fun when she's around,".
I had started to become curious, and then I put my curiosity to the side to begin a relationship with someone else. She captivated me as the others had before, familiar feelings welled up, along with familiar habits.
In the midst of getting to know her better, I finally met you.
Talking to you felt the same way it does when you haven't seen a close friend in so long- like you're starting in the middle of a conversation. I didn't have to explain myself, I didn't have to feel self conscious or out of sorts. The communication flowed without thinking, lacking in judgement or preconceived notions.
The romantic feelings weren't there yet- I'm almost painfully loyal, and even though I could tell things were dimming in the new relationship I'd started, you saw our potential far before I did.
You started to make overtures, ask questions I didn't fully understand. Things ended with the last, and you were right there.
All of the sudden the blinders were off- I began to see it. The chemistry was palpable once I acknowledged it- we both know I wasn't ready to. You were zealous- ready to show me what could be, what we could have. I retreated- well aware I wasn't ready for all of it. Knowing you weren't someone I couldn't jump all the steps with.
It almost ended there- between my stubbornness and yours. My reassertion of personality and will, your openness and willingness to continue to pursue.
I'm carrying the burden now- something I don't take lightly. The lack of trust isn't with you, it's with me. I've picked for myself so poorly in the past, I've chosen partners who were not well suited. I've given my all, and been given nothing but photographs and dreams of what could have been.
You embody all the things I should and could want- but I'm still dragging my feet. The pacing is painful, but needed. The compromises are hard, but rewarding. The burn is slow, but so good.
