What if I'm next? What if I know someone who is?
Staring in the mirror, assessing my value.
A woman.
A black woman.
A queer woman.
Another step, step, and step. Down, down, and down.
It's not enough to be light-skinned, or thought of as pretty. Educated, or eloquent. This week reminded me I'm still less. My body is seen as less. My life is seen as less. My value is seen as less.
Now I've hit a breaking point.
Encouraged since childhood not to seek it from outside of myself- be my own champion, my own advocate. My first love, and cheering section.
This is the first time in my life I can't hear it. The inner voice telling me it'll be alright. I've been down before, but this is different.
Will it ever matter how hard I work, or how much I dream? Will it ever matter how hard I fight, or how loudly I scream?
Will anyone know if something happens to me? My life isn't really mine. The reminders lined up like headstones.
What if I'm next? What if I know someone who is?
Saturday, May 30, 2020
Thursday, May 28, 2020
"Sick and tired of being sick and tired."
I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally spent.
I can't watch another viral video, see one more body violated. Watch another slew of condolence posts, in memoriam, then calls to action.
Then the intermittent silence. We cycle again. Most of us just waiting for the next, knowing it will be forgotten as quickly as the last. Some will hit us harder, others we'll shake our heads but be unsurprised. This is our normal.
I'm expected to go about my day, try to function as if it's just like any other. It isn't normal to have a constant warfare command the use of all your senses. Daily micro-aggressions, very oftentimes followed by more. Over, and over, and over.
I'm far from alright. I'm almost always far from alright.
Don't try to take this feeling away from me, by comparing my experience to those who might be less fortunate elsewhere. Don't diminish my legitimate fears, when people who look like me, are like me, are related to me, are not valued. Are violated. Are murdered. Are then torn down in death, because a system touted to keep us safe is a system used to keep us down. Stay small. Be less than. Know your fucking place.
"Work twice as hard for half as much." "Keep your head down." "Don't make a scene." "White people are looking at you." "Know your limits." "This is how you stay safe from..." "Don't make eye contact." "Keep your hands visible." "Know your place." Know your place.
We're taught to fear. We live double lives, and by double standards. We dream big, just to be reminded daily our dreams will only come true if they are the service of those who don't look like us. Read that again.
Tell me it isn't true- then ask yourself why you feel the need to say it? Why you need to point out what, "they must have done wrong" why you need to point out, "well look at them looting". Look at your language. Us. Them. You distance to make yourself feel better. I distance full well knowing my value differs from yours.
You can turn off the TV. You can hide your social media feeds. You can set yourself apart. You can choose to stay quiet. You can choose. You. Can. Choose. I can't. We can't.
If you aren't as tired, as heartbroken, as violated, as fed up- ask yourself why not? And ask yourself, really ask yourself- if you even fucking care?
This isn't the job of people like me to educate you. You should want to learn. You should want to change. You should understand your privilege isn't a slight, it's a truth. It's not your brother being slowly executed in the streets, chased down like an animal, beaten in full view of others. So many murders...
There were white freedom riders too. Remember that.
I'm tired of challenging your lack of humanity, your lack or courage. And I'm allowed to be tired. This isn't just a black problem. I don't know what else you need to see, to hear, to read, to wake up and realize that.
And now I'll go back to my high functioning way of life. Back to carrying the burdens of everyday life, all while having another level of functioning below the surface, a constant survival mode. I say high functioning because I live fully aware in truth, I control nothing. I could have all my rights taken away, my life taken away in a way you possibly will never understand. Yet I still smile, dance, go to school, fall in love, dream, cry, scream, hope. Always so many levels.
And you'll click off here.
I can't watch another viral video, see one more body violated. Watch another slew of condolence posts, in memoriam, then calls to action.
Then the intermittent silence. We cycle again. Most of us just waiting for the next, knowing it will be forgotten as quickly as the last. Some will hit us harder, others we'll shake our heads but be unsurprised. This is our normal.
I'm expected to go about my day, try to function as if it's just like any other. It isn't normal to have a constant warfare command the use of all your senses. Daily micro-aggressions, very oftentimes followed by more. Over, and over, and over.
I'm far from alright. I'm almost always far from alright.
Don't try to take this feeling away from me, by comparing my experience to those who might be less fortunate elsewhere. Don't diminish my legitimate fears, when people who look like me, are like me, are related to me, are not valued. Are violated. Are murdered. Are then torn down in death, because a system touted to keep us safe is a system used to keep us down. Stay small. Be less than. Know your fucking place.
"Work twice as hard for half as much." "Keep your head down." "Don't make a scene." "White people are looking at you." "Know your limits." "This is how you stay safe from..." "Don't make eye contact." "Keep your hands visible." "Know your place." Know your place.
We're taught to fear. We live double lives, and by double standards. We dream big, just to be reminded daily our dreams will only come true if they are the service of those who don't look like us. Read that again.
Tell me it isn't true- then ask yourself why you feel the need to say it? Why you need to point out what, "they must have done wrong" why you need to point out, "well look at them looting". Look at your language. Us. Them. You distance to make yourself feel better. I distance full well knowing my value differs from yours.
You can turn off the TV. You can hide your social media feeds. You can set yourself apart. You can choose to stay quiet. You can choose. You. Can. Choose. I can't. We can't.
If you aren't as tired, as heartbroken, as violated, as fed up- ask yourself why not? And ask yourself, really ask yourself- if you even fucking care?
This isn't the job of people like me to educate you. You should want to learn. You should want to change. You should understand your privilege isn't a slight, it's a truth. It's not your brother being slowly executed in the streets, chased down like an animal, beaten in full view of others. So many murders...
There were white freedom riders too. Remember that.
I'm tired of challenging your lack of humanity, your lack or courage. And I'm allowed to be tired. This isn't just a black problem. I don't know what else you need to see, to hear, to read, to wake up and realize that.
And now I'll go back to my high functioning way of life. Back to carrying the burdens of everyday life, all while having another level of functioning below the surface, a constant survival mode. I say high functioning because I live fully aware in truth, I control nothing. I could have all my rights taken away, my life taken away in a way you possibly will never understand. Yet I still smile, dance, go to school, fall in love, dream, cry, scream, hope. Always so many levels.
And you'll click off here.
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