I'm currently 37 years old. This is very pertinent to the following story telling.
You see- I like so many of us thought I was supposed to meet my someone early on. For example, my parents knew each other since middle school. They got together right after high school. They've now been married for over 40 years. 40 years. It's a beautiful accomplishment. Their lives are endlessly intertwined, and their legacy is my brother, my foster sisters, and myself.
Instead I have been able to love more than once. I feel like this should be championed more than an early forever love, but I'll leave my soap box here for the moment. The sorts of love we read about and watch, base our hopes and dreams on. Being the self appointed watcher of all the romantic movies, I know what I'm talking about. I've only belatedly realized how much of a privilege that actually is. Whenever I finally have kids, and possibly publish my memoirs, (ha) I will be able to describe so many kinds of feelings.
Here's the thing- I did start similar to my parents. I met someone when I was 16 years old. What I didn't know was that I was meant to have more than one kind of love, adventure, and one or two trysts and damn good flirtations along the way.
The high School Sweetheart- We were involved for 10 years. Married when I was all of 21. Divorced when I was 26. When I think about it, it feels like it was another life. In fact, it really was. They were my first true love. I've tried to dismiss it over the years, but we loved one another with all the capacity we had for such young people. We did everything "right". Dated for 5 years before we were married. Moved in before to see if we could handle one another. Married, and tried. I think we both did try as best we could.
Sadly infidelity, immaturity, and addiction ended that relationship. We met up a few years after the divorce, and made amends. They're remarried now, with children. The truth is- we grew apart. I had big aspirations and dreams. They wanted a smaller, simpler life than I was prepared to live. Even though mistakes were made, I don't think love was our problem.
So check off the first romantic trope- young love. Even though I was the one to call it, I was heartbroken. Crying over separating our shared Scrubs DVDs and Harry Potter books on tape, remembering what was. Filled with thoughts of was this it? At 26. Poor thing. I was a wee babe. Next up-
A few rebounds- A couple of girls, a couple of guys. Someone who didn't identify as either. I'd had experiences before my ex, (the way I lost my virginity feels like it was written as one of those ridiculous storylines like Dawson's Creek, The OC, or OTH. Still- I'm not gonna spill the beans in this story).
The college throwback. They check in, we catch up on one another's lives. A decade old flirtation. Honestly still the tallest person I've ever been involved with, especially for all 5'4" of me. They can still bring a smile to my face, because they tether me to those years. They actually texted the other day. They're married with a young one now.
Another was honest to god one of the best lays of my life. I wouldn't tell them that, because their ego is still far too large. They don't need me to though- they know. One of my favorite things about them. I didn't even know our first date was actually a date. I also wasn't sure how I felt about dating someone who had a Wikipedia. That being said, we've stayed in touch as well. They checked up on me awhile back, after my last break up. They're one of the good ones. Big character, bigger heart.
I think my fav, (most ridiculous) though was my first truly dramatic relationship- public disagreements, drunkenness, flowers, and a reference to the boombox scene in Say Anything. One of the best ways to my heart obviously is a damn good pop culture reference. Still catch up with them randomly too. They're over the moon happy now. I swear sometimes I feel like Good Luck Chuck...
The crush- I had crushed on this one since the beginning of high school. They were older, far cooler. Didn't have a clue who I was. We met up after high school at a wedding for other people we went to high school with, I was one of my best friends dates. We flirted, I remembered I was married, checked myself and left.
We reconnected while I was separated. Cue my first toxic relationship. Like the time me and another girl they were talking to were at the same party... They had their issues, and I wanted to feel desired. I hadn't been cared for or touched in a long time.
We didn't bring anything good out of one another. I'm not sure we ever could. They are smart and sweet, but together- so many problems. The first time we ended had everything to do with their drinking, and my enabling. The second time, I found out belatedly they weren't single. They ended up marrying the other person. The third time I was inebriated, and opened the door again. I promptly closed it when I realized I was being incredibly selfish.
We still communicate, for me in a platonic way. I can't say how smart or healthy it is. They represent a time and a place. A someone I no longer am. I allow it to bring out the worst parts of me, and I haven't the faintest foggiest why they still speak to me. Unrequited love? Misplaced caring for a memory?
I wish we did bring out the better bits of us, but time and time again we've done nothing but the opposite. I did always like their attention though. I hate the part of myself that still craves it.
The What if? They were the other competitor for my affections when I got together with my high school sweetheart. At least, that's how I remember it. Who knows.
I was home for Thanksgiving, still awaiting for my divorce to be finalized, (seriously California- why 6 months?!). I messaged them on Facebook on a whim, and we ended up having a completely unrealistic love story for the next couple of years. Messaging for months while they were overseas, it stopping after they got cold feet. Grand gestures and plane rides to see one another once things were rekindled. Here began the trend of people saying they loved me before I was ready, (one I didn't know how to handle). Combined with my first long distance relationship. We were an absolute recipe for disaster.
They were supposed to be everything I wanted on paper. Instead I felt nothing but insecure. Didn't help they made constant references about my weight. So gross to think about now. Truthfully, I think they were the insecure one, projecting onto me. It was also the relationship that forced me to realize I was queer as fuck, and wanted kids. At the ripe old age of 28. Holy shit. I almost moved across the country for that one! Ugh.
The plus side obviously includes the queerness and kiddo dreams. The loss of that relationship was the catalyst for me starting my own business, since you know- I quit my job to move away with that winner winner chicken dinner. Left behind a job with kids I loved so much... who would end up growing up and coming back into my life later.
They made me second guess building my life around someone, a lesson I was going to need to relearn. I've been hard headed since I can remember.
The best friend love- They saved me. That's not an overstatement.
We met at a bar back home, and all I wanted to do was take them to bed. Ah well, honesty is the best policy right? They knew this too. I didn't hide it. Luckily I kept it in my pants, and we stayed in touch.
After subsequent break ups, we leaned on each other for a good long while. That bled a bit into getting in the way of a couple of our relationships, but it was worth it. I still miss the cuddles, the movies, their coke bottle glasses and the mouth guard they wore at night and only around me at the time.
The cradle robber, the trails and the tank- Ok, if you know me then you know these stories. If you don't... let's just say these three changed my opinions about BMX, donuts, let me live my Titanic fantasies, and the lengths someone will go to sleep with me. Aka a tank. Yes, an actual tank. Inside jokes about glitter and cookies came from this era. Thank you. My ego will forever appreciate you.
The lightning bolt- I met them at work. After a year of building myself back up, and losing myself in the beds of others. That whole, " The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" helps minimally to actually heal. Therapy on the other hand, far more fitting.
Anyway, I was building up my career, making bigger and bigger moves. I fell for a scrappy someone who looked at me like no one else had. Even though there were early alarm bells, I ignored them. Like them alluding to the fact they were actually in a relationship when we met. They left me in a similar fashion, but that wouldn't be for another 4 years. I was willing to throw out so many thoughts and feelings, principles and preconceived notions to gamble on a feeling- passion.
I was entranced. I fell hard, fell early, and was an absolute wreck when we ended.
The first time we kissed, I'd actually ditched another date earlier that night just to be with them. We uhauled, we planned, (I planned) a life together. So many hiccups, so many red flags. Their jealousy for one. Tears, and making up over and over. I built my life around them. They were charismatic, narcissistic, and I was a fool thinking my dreams would ever hold a candle to theirs. They lived on a world stage, and I endlessly supported that. To my own detriment.
We fought and made up in an electric way- a way I still crave. Ick. Double ick.
I loved them in a way I had never loved. I think they loved me as best they could, and ended it when they couldn't live up to my expectations. Or didn't want to rise to the occasion.
A year after our breakup, they asked to meet and apologized. They said all the things one hopes a person who broke our hearts would say. If I hadn't been in a relationship at the time, I imagine we would have tried to see if something was still there. Instead I told my closest friends, who took the time to brow beat me with all the reasons we broke up- especially their betrayal.
They still reach out randomly. I always have mixed feelings when they do. I wonder why, and if they hope for anything. Sometimes I wish I met them when they were more mature. Maybe I'd feel like less of a stepping stone.
The unrequited love- We'd known one another since taking Chemistry together, freshman year of college. I'm positive I annoyed the hell out of them.
We met up again our senior year, I was assigned to their rugby team. We rekindled the friendship, and they became one of my greatest friends. There was always an underlying something, but we always just missed one another.
Fast forward to the lightening bolt break up- they were so wonderful. Funnily enough, they bought me a vibrator to cheer me up... that's a damn good friend.
Then they told me they wanted more. We had joked and flirted for years, but then they opened the door. They were off at training, so we kept things alive via text. Then they disappeared. Turns out, my dreams were too big for them. They knew all I wanted, and it was intimidating. To be fair, I came in hot.
We haven't spoken a word since. it's been 3 years. I know there was a bit of an overlap- they met someone else. They live with them now. So much for that one. All I have left is a tattoo to remind me of them. Worth it though.
That time I was the dick- I dated far too soon after the lightening bolt. I met someone a few months after, and it ended just as soon as it started. This story comes after that. We met by chance, they didn't hide how they felt, and I went along with it.
They were ready to step into my life in a way I wasn't completely prepared for. I thought I'd done a good job communicating my boundaries. They thought I could be the one.
They made a big gesture by saying they loved me. I responded with, "Oh shit. Really?"
The craziest bit? We actually kept talking for a few months, but after a truly disastrous road trip to several national parks, I called it. I regret not doing it sooner. I couldn't have saved them a lot of heartache, and learning my own capacity to hurt someone.
Schrodinger's Cat- We met on a dating app in early January of that year. I've never felt my age more while I write that sentence. We matched, we bantered in a way I hadn't in ages, and we went on our first date. They fed well into my need for communication, and I think I reminded them they were a spiffy human worth caring for.
Instant attraction, instant connection. We didn't want that first night to night to end, so we stayed out until the wee hours. They walked me to my door, and neither of us seemed to have the gall to make a move. Right before they turned to walk to their car, I blurted out the science behind Schrodinger's cat. If you don't get the reference, google it.
They got it, and jumped me like a puma. Oofta.
We spent almost every free moment we had for the next several months together, which unsurprisingly caused that relationship to end rather quickly. They didn't have a friend group here beyond me, which was bothersome.
I'm left with a beautiful photo of a California poppy in my office, memories of good sex, another too early I love you, and seeing their blue eyes in a particular actor every time I watch Stranger things.
They were coming out of something big when we met, and from what I can tell have met a lovely lass far better suited than I was.
I'm eternally grateful for the above stated things, and being with them when I met up with lightening bolt for their apology tour. They were the end of an era, and the beginning of something new.
A little bit country- None of your business, since it's still ongoing. Smooches and all of that.
So there you have it, the Reader's Digest version of 21 years of love. I've crammed a great deal of experience into that time. I've heard birds sing, felt my toes curl, cried in a heap on the floor, planned more than one wedding, made and lost a lot of dreams... and I would not change a damn thing.
I'm glad I didn't meet "the one" when I was young, or I would have missed out on all these people. They all left me with something, and I like to think I'm a good memory. At least I hope I am. I still dream about meeting someone, raising a family, driving them crazy into our older years.
Excited to see what the next 21 years hold.
