To pull, or break.

 I strum it, the tether between us.

Taught, but still there.

But I'm leaning away, allowing my toes to lift from the ground.

Will you pull me back? 

emotional cutting.

 It's like my brain can't let me be. It chose today to run through all of it. 

"Youth" by Daughter plays in the background as it all starts. 

The memories flood behind my eyelids, causing that tell tale prickling sensation. As if one isn't enough, I'm now reliving them all. Emotionally cutting all the while.

Remembering standing in the shower with her, telling her to be careful with that other girl. I just knew. I knew. Or the time I served him divorce papers, feeling nothing really ease. It had to end. 

When I stood across the bedroom from her after her tumultuous entrance, and realizing in that moment she was the other woman. At a loss of words, rooted to the spot- facing one another. Her frantic energy filling the small space, my energy fleeing the scene. The time I had to break her heart at the beginning of our trip, knowing the next seven days would be brutal. 

"Falling" by the Civil Wars starts to play, causing me to wonder as I type if my playlist is conspiring against me, adding to the tumult. 

The betrayals continue bubbling to the surface. I can't seem to make them stop. Now I'm typing faster and faster, going along with how my heart is racing. 

Or when he told me they waited until I went to work at my second job at night. Her calling to make sure I was working late each time. When I told him we could never work- he scared me too much. 

"Cellophane" by FKA Twigs plays next.

When he dropped my things off, and I hid in the house because I knew if I saw him I'd go back on everything I said. Then finding his note and really almost breaking. Or when he had to hold her back, her screaming all the while- and I belatedly realize I'm the other woman in this scenario. Feeling immense guilt, empathizing with how she might feel. 

"Best of you" by the Foo Fighters plays.

Is this coming from an insecure place? A catalogue of perceived failure? A one two punch of love and loss. We never really know the end of things until its right there, and we can't go back. The last kiss, the last touch. 

"What becomes of the brokenhearted" by Jimmy Ruffin plays. Now I know this is a full on conspiracy. Or I'm only catching the songs about heart break. 

Have I learned from any of this? What did I learn? I can't take my part in any of it back. Am I any better? Or just a fool, allowing for foolish things. A dupe. A heartbreaker. 

My typing slows, so does my breathing. "Cloud Atlas Sextet" plays. Making me feel like the instruments know exactly how I'm feeling. A melancholy. Bit of whimsy too. 

I stop the music. Worried Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make you love me" might play next, and that terrifies me. Wonder if Rob would appreciate the inadvertent playlist... maybe if I add, "Can't make this over" by Pixie Lott too. "Landslide" feels too on the nose anyway.