Things I'm done apologizing for

1.     My weight- Heaven forbid I’m like most people on the planet, meaning my weight fluctuates and I have… (Gasp!) cellulite. Seriously people, bite me. I’m able to look at myself naked in the mirror for longer than 10 seconds, victory is mine! I lift weights, and I eat like a dick. I refuse to give up my crap foods, but that doesn’t mean I don’t try to balance my diet 80% of the time. Nagging me about when I’ve put on a few extra pounds does nothing but make me want to go straight to the cereal section and grab everything from Froot Loops to fake lucky charms and eat each box full in turn. Want to know why? Because I can! I am not a model, or a Hollywood actress. If I were paid to look a certain way, this would be a different story. Since I’m not, well folks guess that means I’ll continue looking the way I do.

2.     My style- I’ve been shaving at least one side of my head for the past 4 years. My hair has also been ever color of the rainbow, and all different lengths. I still wear my Jacksons tour shirt on a regular basis, could live in a bathing suit, and I think leggings DO qualify as pants. I dress up, dress down, I love onsies, and see no reason why I can’t walk around my own damn house in boy shorts and thigh high socks. I can’t explain why I dress the way I do, I just always have. If you don’t like it, well I guess you’ll just have to suffer because it’s not changing until I feel like it. You’re probably right, there is a high chance I will embarrass my future children. (Shrug) life will go on as well know it.

3.     My sexuality- This isn’t where I give a play by play of my love life. This is where I tell you my love life is none of your concern. Who, when, how, why- none of your business. How I express myself sexually is all mine to decide, how soon, how late, and how many. For all you know, I could be a saint! (I snorted writing that last line. Ah well, can’t even fool myself).

4.     Feeling any other emotion besides happy- I am an ambivert, which seems to make everyone think I am happy all of the time. Guess what people, there are other emotions I exhibit. Crazy, right? Sad, angry, scared, ashamed, nervous, heartbroken… they’re all present and accounted for. Please do me a favor and stop acting like it’s a complete shock whenever I display anything besides smiles and rainbow colored thoughts.

5.     Being a girl- I could sit here and argue gender roles for days, but I won’t. Newsflash- I like dressing up. I’ve recently discovered how fun makeup can be, and am now trying things I never did before, (filling in my eyebrows? Say what?!) I like chick flicks, people who open doors, romantic gestures, and the idea of becoming a mum. I realize this is confusing to some, since I watch sports, hang out with rugby players, curse like a sailor, enjoy yelling and breaking things, and being the alpha. No one ever said I had to make sense.

6.     Having an opinion- I was lucky enough to be raised by two brilliant people, who allowed my brother and I to form our own opinions. Having an opinion means you need to be able to support it, and stand behind it. I don’t necessarily blab my opinion all over the place; I don’t stand on street corners yelling my thoughts for the world to hear, (I just post them on social media… whatever.). My thoughts are mine, and when there is a time and place to share them, I do. I don’t have one for everything, that would be exhausting and I don’t have the energy for that sort of thing. I also don’t mind if people have differing thoughts to my own. I love having debates with some of my best friends during big elections, we don’t agree on a damn thing and yet we always leave feeling listened to and not judged. I think being PC all the time sucks, and sometimes I say things that shock people. Whoops.

7.     Seeing the world through rose-colored glasses- I trust people, I give second chances, and I believe in love. Yes, sometimes I can be naive, so what? Is it really hurting you that I wish my life was a musical, and try to find happiness in all different places? I’m a dreamer, and a believer. There is nothing wrong with believing things can get better, and wanting the best for the people I love. I fantasize about the things I’d like to happen in my life, and then try to really make them happen. Truth be told, there’s usually a song or two playing in my head, the soundtrack to my life. I guess my life is a musical after all.

8.     Who I love- this one is gonna be quick. You don’t like who I like? I guess it’s good we aren’t in a relationship. You can shove it.

9.     Not being white enough or black enough for you- I’m mixed, which means my parents came from different ethnic backgrounds, fell in love, and had me. When you come up to me and try to distinguish how black or white I am, “You don’t talk like…” “You don’t dress like…” “I never would have guessed you were…” “Oh my god, you have freckles!” it royally pisses me off. I also really love when people come up to me and ask what I feel about this famous black athlete being arrested, or this scandal with so and so, because they want to hear a “black” opinion. Dear you, fuck off.  I don’t have to explain a damn thing to you. My experiences have varied, from being called a nigger to my face, to constantly being asked my ethnicity, to being treated differently because of the way I look. I am me. I don’t have to explain any part of myself to you, nor do I have to divvy up my claims by any percentage, clothing choice, or speech pattern. I’ll identify however I want, it happens to be my life.

10. Having high standards- You’re damn right I have high standards! I believe people all have potential, and striving to live up to it is something to be admired. Don’t mistake me, I don’t believe in perfection. Utopia is a pipe dream, and what one person believes may be perfect is not the same for the next. I’ll let you in on a secret- I don’t hold anyone up to standards I don’t expect of myself. I’d like people to rise up and meet me, (sometimes they don’t have to go far, don’t lose your head). I expect myself to always at least try, so I expect others to do the same.

11. Cursing like a sailor- My favorite curse words are two of the harshest in the English language. If you know me well, you know which two. I didn’t grow up cursing, I did hear my mum curse now and again, but I was always punished if I did so as a child. I’m an adult now, so fuck it! I know there is a time and place, thank you captain obvious for pointing that one out. It’s like throwing spice into a conversation. I also disagree it’s a sign of less intelligence. I know some smart people, who curse far worse than I do.

12. My mistakes- I’m human. There are things I’ve done in my past, and I know I can never take them back. I can try to explain them away by age, emotion, whatever. The truth is, I didn’t occur in a vacuum, but they are still all mine. I’m the one who chose to react a certain way, to say a certain thing. There are people I have gone back and apologized to if I thought that’s what needed to be done. I try very hard to put myself in other people’s shoes now, and see how they must have felt. All I can do is ask for forgiveness, and forgive myself. Reliving my mistakes would do nothing but cripple me. I try hard not to remind people of the things they’ve done wrong, so why do it to myself?

13. How I choose to live my life- I’ve never really cared about money, and I went to college for a subject I was passionate about. I live pretty loudly and openly, though there is plenty I don’t share with the likes of you lot. I’ve fallen in love more than once, and I’ve failed terribly when trying new things. Your discomfort with my life is because it isn’t playing out the way you would like it to. Hell, it isn’t playing out the way I’d like it to! But it’s mine. I’m the one who will live and die by my choices.

No Doubt- the lyrics of my love life

            I should start with when I first discovered No Doubt. I was in the Record Alley, a record store in my local mall when I first saw the album. Its bright blue cover, and Gwen posing like a throwback pin up- I knew I had to have it. I took it home that day, and fell in love with every track on the album.

            Little did I know No Doubt would become the sound track of my love life.

            It’s been 18 years since the first time I heard them, and through the years as they added one album after another, I found more lyrics to sing my truths to. They didn’t only sing about love for me, but that’s the subject I’m pursuing here. So here they are, the songs that help describe how I feel when I fall for the world’s greatest addiction- love.

            “New”- Off the Return to Saturn album, is the song I think of every time I discover a new love. The lyrics speak of that rush I get everytime. The burning feeling in the pit of my stomach, and the flutter of my heart in my chest when I realize I’m falling for someone new. “Don’t let it go away, this feeling has got to stay.”

            “Bathwater”- another song off the Return of Saturn album, this song speaks of infatuation. The unhealthy moment when I have longed for something I should not and could not have. The imbalance there can be when I care for someone too much, even when the object of my infatuation has a, “museum of lovers, the precious collection you’ve housed in your covers.” 

            “Don’t Speak” – from the Tragic Kingdom album, this song crystalizes that moment right before the breakup when I know it’s coming to an end, but I dig my heels in anyway. I can feel it, and I can see it, but that doesn’t mean I want to believe it. The heart breaking way Gwen sings the lyric, “You and me- I can see us dying. Are we?” gets me each time I play it.

            “Settle Down”- off the Push and Shove album, this song for me details what it feels like when I’m not sure what the hell is going on in a relationship. When I’m at a loss for what the other person is thinking and feeling, and I sure would love a hint. Maybe two. It talks about how someone, (me) can still feel secure in themself, and have no idea what’s going on in their own relationship. “… you can see it in my eyes, you can read it on my lips- I’m tryin’ to get a hold on this.”

            “Sunday Morning” track nine off the Tragic Kingdom album, is the tale of a lover who was brutally burned, recounting how it felt to be broken up with, and what it feels like to stand on the other side of that with a little bit of access anger. Great track to turn up in the car and sing at the top of my lungs when I’m still in the angry stage of the after break up. Best lines are the bridge, “Thank you for turning on the lights. Thank you, now you’re the parasite. I didn’t think you had it in you? Now you’re looking like I used to.” There really is no better revenge then seeing a former lover standing in the same place you were.

            “Simple Kind of Life” a track off the return of Saturn album, about the dream life Gwen wishes she had. She tells a tale of all the things she wants, and still at the time did not have. “All I wanted was the simple things, a simple kind of life.” She details the things she felt she was missing, including, “I always thought I’d be a mom. Sometimes I wish for a mistake.” I would be lying if I said I haven’t had all the same feelings Gwen had. Hopefully one day I get all the things I dream of, just like she did.

            “Ex-girlfriend” Return of Saturn- details the feelings felt by a woman scorned, by her now ex-boyfriend. “ I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend. I hope I hold a special place with the best of them. It makes me feel sick to be on that list, but I should have thought of that before we kissed.” Ah, regret. I can think of a very specific relationship when I felt this way. Gwen’s anger and frustration with herself bleeds through each word, the same way mine did every time I sung along with her.

            “Magic’s in the Makeup”- Return of Saturn- “ Can you tell I’m faking it? But I want to be myself. A counterfeit disposition, can’t be good for my health.” A song all about hiding behind a façade of her, and in fact my own making. What we project into the world is what we want people to see, just like applying make up hides what we really look like. “If you bore me than I’m comfortable. If you interest me, I’m scared.” So true for me. Heaven forbid I really like you. Nothing like trying to protect ourselves from heartbreak.

            “Running”- Rock Steady- Love isn’t all rainbows and unicorn kisses. The ups and downs are what make love real, and gives it depth when you really fight for it. Gwen sings to her lover, asking them to reassure her that their love will last. During the trials of any relationship, it’s good to remember what brought the two of you together in the first place, and to remind you of what you’re fighting for. “Be. Be the one I need. Be the one I trust most. Don’t stop inspiring me.”

           

            “Underneath it all” -Rock Steady- I really love this song, because it talks about how the one we love isn’t perfect, but underneath all the b.s. they are the person we love the most. “There’s times when I want something more, someone more like me. Sometimes this dress rehearsal seems incomplete, but – you see the colors in me like no one else.” Appreciating what you have can be difficult, but trying to look at the person you love and not wring their neck for all their faults, is something we should all try to do. Especially because using temporary insanity as a defense doesn’t work that often in court.

BONUS ROUND

            “Cool” -Love. Angel. Music. Baby. -A song all about how we can go through a bad break up, and hopefully years later reunite with a loved one and realize you can be happy for one another. I’ve been lucky enough to have this happen more than once. “We have changed but we’re still the same. After all that we’ve been through, I know we’re cool.”

            “4 in the morning” –The sweet Escape- the moment you realize you’ve fallen so deeply for someone, that you’ve lost the power- and you’re ok with it. You want someone so completely, you’re not afraid to voice it. Gwen repeats one chorus after the other begging her beloved to give her everything. “Cause I wanna have a really true love, don’t ever want to have to go and give you up.”

            “Early Winter” -The Sweet Escape- for me this song talks about knowing it’s all coming to a head. Heartbreak is on the horizon, and how it feels looking it in the face. I know every woman has felt this, “Why? Why do you act so stupid? You know I’m always right.” The heart wrenching way she sings this one really hurts.  Betrayal and anger wrapped into one song. “My heart had a crash when we spoke. I can’t fix what you broke.”

            Lyrics have always been as important to me as the strumming of the guitar, and the plucking of the base. I’m one of those people who loves to hear the story behind a song, and if the song speaks to me, make it all my own. Thanks No Doubt for being part of the soundtrack of my life.