It burns, thinking of your fingers tracing lines across my skin. It's almost as if I can feel it for real, though we've never touched that way. The hairs on my arms stand up, chills run through me.
I imagine your lips on the back of my ear, me trying not to lean into you, craning my neck for more exposure. Your breath ruffles the baby hairs there.
It's building, the tension. I feel spread thin, just thinking on it. Wondering at it. What could be? What could happen?
Will there be hesitation? It's all so heightened now. My pulse quickens. My breath catches.
Nothings happened yet. Nothing.
Yet the feeling is still there. A phantom touch. An already established intimacy, built on words. Built on time. Built on...
Can I trust it? The burning? Will it last? I feel the weight, as if it's real. It lays on my heart, my mind, as if it's real weight.
And now we wait.
Monday, October 29, 2018
behind the curtain.
You frighten me.
You frighten me, because you see me.
I didn't hide from you. I didn't know better. I don't know how to now.
I've been authentic. I've been an open wound. I've done it all in front of you.
Dynamics change, people change.
So many years have passed. The world comes into sharper focus. I see you. I thought I did before.
Late at night, when I can't sleep, I mentally try to push you away. I try to find the reasons, reasons I should change, rather than continue to be my authentic self with you.
My magic is in the facade- hiding, never giving it all away. You seem to think my magic lies out in the open- funny, that's only been with you.
It doesn't work. I'm in too deep now.
I want to be scared. I can't be.
So few get behind the curtain, really behind it. But you did.
You frighten me, because you see me.
I didn't hide from you. I didn't know better. I don't know how to now.
I've been authentic. I've been an open wound. I've done it all in front of you.
Dynamics change, people change.
So many years have passed. The world comes into sharper focus. I see you. I thought I did before.
Late at night, when I can't sleep, I mentally try to push you away. I try to find the reasons, reasons I should change, rather than continue to be my authentic self with you.
My magic is in the facade- hiding, never giving it all away. You seem to think my magic lies out in the open- funny, that's only been with you.
It doesn't work. I'm in too deep now.
I want to be scared. I can't be.
So few get behind the curtain, really behind it. But you did.
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
A love letter to a younger me.
Baby girl, you're doing better than you think.
I know you have a hard time looking in the mirror- it's okay. You can't rub off your skin color. You'll come to realize it's a bigger part of you than you think. You'll embrace your blackness, and fall in love with the freckles sprinkled across your face- they remind you of your mum.
You'll face hard times- don't diminish the experience. It may or may not be as hard as anyones else's, but it's still yours. People will hate you for things beyond your control, and you'll be scared. You are not alone. Something will click for you- and you'll say f*** it. F*** you. I am me. I can't change these things about myself, and I don't want to.
You'll love the chameleon you become, your style and hair forever evolving. Something that started as a defense mechanism, deliberate choices made, they become something so much more- people will come to know you for it. You control the narrative.
You are beautiful. Smart as hell, too. It's okay to think so. It's not being full of yourself. Sure, you're going to keep comparing yourself to others. Your weight is going to fluctuate, especially when you aren't happy. You'll be your worst enemy, picking things apart that don't need to. The curves, the cellulite, you'll learn to love them. I still have plenty of moments, even now. You're going to let others make you feel like you aren't worth looking at, or being with. You'll let that go with time. They didn't deserve you in the first place.
You're going to have your heart broken. You're going to break hearts too. Neither will be easy for you. You'll think the world has ended. You'll think you will never feel that way again- how could you love more than once? You will. I promise. Your biggest love story is when you finally fall in love with yourself. It will be epic, sweeping, all consuming- it will be the love you hoped and dreamed for, the one you will compare all other loves to. You'll finally realize your imperfections are just as beautiful as the rest of you, and when you embrace yourself as a whole, your world will change forever.
That secret you were so scared to share- turns out everyone will already know you like boys and girls. Especially girls. The people who matter will love you just the same. They won't judge you, they won't turn you away. It'll turn out to not be the earth-shattering moment you thought it would be. It will weave into the rest of your life, just another thread in the fabric of who you are.
The other thing you're ashamed of, the overwhelming sadness you sometimes feel- I'm sorry luv, that will get worse. There will be times you don't want to get out of bed. There will be times you think you can't breathe, and you'll feel as if the walls are caving in. You'll even think the thoughts no one wants to talk about- you'll wonder if anyone would miss you if you were gone. You'll come through all of that. Battered and bruised. Dented, but unbroken. You are so much stronger than you think. You'll open up, and find out you aren't alone. What you feel is nothing to be ashamed of.
Those things that will happen to you- they were not your fault. You did not do anything wrong. It will take you years to wrap your head around that. Those people who took advantage of you- they were in the wrong. You are not a victim. You survived. There will be a time when the tide changes, and people like them will get called out. You'll have a voice, supported by so many others. You'll share your story. You'll feel the weight of the past shift and fall away.
Remember those rose colored glasses? You'll still be wearing them. Don't ask me how- as I'm writing this to you, I still marvel at it. You still believe in people. You still believe the best is yet to come, and dreams do come true. You still hear Disney songs play in your head. You'll still wish, and offer that up to the cosmos. A part of you will still wonder at the world like you did as a child- there will be so many things that take your breath away. You'll be enchanted, enthralled, in awe- you'll drink it in and want to taste so much more. Lean into it. Be on the journey.
Not a damn thing you thought would happen, has happened. All those life plans? Not a one. That being said... it's oh so much better than you imagined. Honestly. The travel you'll do, the work, the people you'll meet... it will all be vastly different then you thought. It's better than ok. It's grand.
I know you're afraid. I know you don't think you know how to cope and adapt. You will. There is so much for you to see and do- up to this point, I've crammed a great deal of living into thirty-four years. You'll be proud, and not have regrets. All of your choices, the good and the bad, they bring you here.
Let go. There's beauty in the breakdown. And trust- there's no other way to live.
xo.
I know you have a hard time looking in the mirror- it's okay. You can't rub off your skin color. You'll come to realize it's a bigger part of you than you think. You'll embrace your blackness, and fall in love with the freckles sprinkled across your face- they remind you of your mum.
You'll face hard times- don't diminish the experience. It may or may not be as hard as anyones else's, but it's still yours. People will hate you for things beyond your control, and you'll be scared. You are not alone. Something will click for you- and you'll say f*** it. F*** you. I am me. I can't change these things about myself, and I don't want to.
You'll love the chameleon you become, your style and hair forever evolving. Something that started as a defense mechanism, deliberate choices made, they become something so much more- people will come to know you for it. You control the narrative.
You are beautiful. Smart as hell, too. It's okay to think so. It's not being full of yourself. Sure, you're going to keep comparing yourself to others. Your weight is going to fluctuate, especially when you aren't happy. You'll be your worst enemy, picking things apart that don't need to. The curves, the cellulite, you'll learn to love them. I still have plenty of moments, even now. You're going to let others make you feel like you aren't worth looking at, or being with. You'll let that go with time. They didn't deserve you in the first place.
You're going to have your heart broken. You're going to break hearts too. Neither will be easy for you. You'll think the world has ended. You'll think you will never feel that way again- how could you love more than once? You will. I promise. Your biggest love story is when you finally fall in love with yourself. It will be epic, sweeping, all consuming- it will be the love you hoped and dreamed for, the one you will compare all other loves to. You'll finally realize your imperfections are just as beautiful as the rest of you, and when you embrace yourself as a whole, your world will change forever.
That secret you were so scared to share- turns out everyone will already know you like boys and girls. Especially girls. The people who matter will love you just the same. They won't judge you, they won't turn you away. It'll turn out to not be the earth-shattering moment you thought it would be. It will weave into the rest of your life, just another thread in the fabric of who you are.
The other thing you're ashamed of, the overwhelming sadness you sometimes feel- I'm sorry luv, that will get worse. There will be times you don't want to get out of bed. There will be times you think you can't breathe, and you'll feel as if the walls are caving in. You'll even think the thoughts no one wants to talk about- you'll wonder if anyone would miss you if you were gone. You'll come through all of that. Battered and bruised. Dented, but unbroken. You are so much stronger than you think. You'll open up, and find out you aren't alone. What you feel is nothing to be ashamed of.
Those things that will happen to you- they were not your fault. You did not do anything wrong. It will take you years to wrap your head around that. Those people who took advantage of you- they were in the wrong. You are not a victim. You survived. There will be a time when the tide changes, and people like them will get called out. You'll have a voice, supported by so many others. You'll share your story. You'll feel the weight of the past shift and fall away.
Remember those rose colored glasses? You'll still be wearing them. Don't ask me how- as I'm writing this to you, I still marvel at it. You still believe in people. You still believe the best is yet to come, and dreams do come true. You still hear Disney songs play in your head. You'll still wish, and offer that up to the cosmos. A part of you will still wonder at the world like you did as a child- there will be so many things that take your breath away. You'll be enchanted, enthralled, in awe- you'll drink it in and want to taste so much more. Lean into it. Be on the journey.
Not a damn thing you thought would happen, has happened. All those life plans? Not a one. That being said... it's oh so much better than you imagined. Honestly. The travel you'll do, the work, the people you'll meet... it will all be vastly different then you thought. It's better than ok. It's grand.
I know you're afraid. I know you don't think you know how to cope and adapt. You will. There is so much for you to see and do- up to this point, I've crammed a great deal of living into thirty-four years. You'll be proud, and not have regrets. All of your choices, the good and the bad, they bring you here.
Let go. There's beauty in the breakdown. And trust- there's no other way to live.
xo.
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