The big gamble.

Gamble for me. Gamble the way I would for you- the way I already have.

Show me. Tell me. Be different. Be brave.

I know it's scary. I'm terrified too.

I want to believe I'm doing the right thing, laying it out there. I want to believe with the infinite possibilities, the odds could be in our favor.

I'm afraid to make mistakes too. The "what ifs" lay heavy on my heart, my mind. They drag me into spiraling thoughts- thoughts I chase, but can't answer on my own. Don't leave me alone with them.

So risk with me. Stand afraid with me. Hold my hand, and look beyond it all. Catch me, the way I'd catch you.

I don't want to make the same mistakes. I know I'm better than I used to be.

I'd fall down with you. I'd trip, and get up again with you. For you.

I just have to keep telling myself- be brave. Be brave.

Take my hand. Don't let me go.

tell me something good.

Tell me something good.

Tell me this is different. Please, use your words. I crave your words. I have to wait for the actions. Patience girl, patience.

I can tell you here, I know I'm scared. I am. I can tell you my fear lies more with you than with me. The unknown. I know my own mind.

I can tell you this feels good. 

What happens now? I can hear it, the bell ringing.

Now we wait.

Rough patches.

Thank you for not making me explain it.

You get how tired I am. How much I hide. How exhausting it is to put on a brave face on the bad days, weeks, months. You get with all of the armor, it still hurts to hear what people think- especially when they are so far from the truth about me. But I face forward, and brush it off over and over again. They don't really know me, and fuck them.

You also get I still have good days, weeks, months. A lot of people don't get there can be good and bad.

You told me I scared you- I don't think you have any idea how much I scare myself. When I detach. When I disappear. I'm good at hiding it though. You told me I could tell you if it's a bad day.

We both know I'll never make that call. Kind of awful, isn't it? I can't promise anything.

That being said, I know I've made it this far. I'm still breathing, and thankfully I have people like you who remind me it's okay to be short of breath too.

There's a racist at my table.

"They go low, you go high"

An expectation that has always been there. Rise above, and live your life- it doesn't have to touch you, if you don't let it.

You have no idea how tired I am. I'm so tired of letting it roll of my back. Of turning the other cheek. Of being better, all the while eating the bullshit you serve me, knife and fork in hand. Don't make waves, because it might make someone uncomfortable. Swallow the words, because you don't want to make a scene.

White people are looking at you.

You think I'm going to hell, because of who I love. You think I'm less than, because I'm a woman. You think I'm subhuman, because I'm black.

I'm leaning into the angry black woman today.

How fucking dare you? How dare you minimize me and mine, because you don't understand our point of view, who I am, my morals and values? You've never a day in your life tried to stand in my shoes. We are all allowed our opinions- absolutely. What you have said- it's not an opinion. There is no excuse. There is no going back. It. Is. Racist.

I will not, "go back to Africa" for you. Do you even understand what you are saying? I can't go back to Africa, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHERE I'M FROM. Quick history lesson- MY ANCESTORS WERE NOT BROUGHT HERE BY CHOICE. It's not as simple as catching the next boat, and sailing away. Your throwback KKK rhetoric really let's me know where your head is at. I will not walk away, allowing you to ever think what you said is okay. I will say, I'd love to give you a middle passage experience right about now...

You grew up with me. You broke bread with me. I've played with your kids... you're indoctrinating them with so much hate... and now I can honestly say I could live the rest of my life, and never see you again.

We're protected to an extent when it's outside of us. Away from us. If things are happening over there, in that town, over on that coast, playing out anywhere but here, then we're okay. It hurts, you feel, but it's not sitting in your living room.

There is no protection when they are one of your own. The wound cuts too deep for the healing.

I've been asked for too many years to excuse you, accommodate you. Too long have I just walked out of rooms, or skipped a party to not see you. Now I don't even want to be associated with you.

You are the embodiment of everything I fear- ignorance wrapped within a fancy facade, smile to my face all while thinking you are better than me. You are not better than me. You are archaic.

I've watched over the last couple of years, how people like you have been allowed to act. Whipped into a frenzy that somehow your way of life is in danger. All because my lot are just beginning to have access to the privilege you take for granted.

You don't live in fear of your father or brother being pulled over, and what could happen to them. You don't worry about them being another statistic.

You don't have to deal with daily "casual" racism, nor do you have any idea what that looks like. You don't bother to understand what it's like to be me. You get to live your charmed life, with your charmed skin... you will never know how I feel every day.

You have never been in danger. You have been in power.

It's one thing to turn on the television, to see the hate projected back at me there. It's another thing to sit across the table from it.

Today is the last day. I refuse, and I am done.