proper courting

Maybe it's maturity. Maybe it's the cataloging of my experiences. What does it say about me- How much I'm surprised by feeling this way?

I have to give myself permission for the mistakes of my past. Allowing for one suitor, and then another, and another to not live up to what I wanted, very possibly needed. Letting the people I loved, or thought I loved to treat me as less than- ever. To fetishize me, pigeonhole me. Not support me in my dreams, the way I supported them in theirs. Giving myself away, for a chance at someone I was afraid I might never have. Instead breaking my own heart over and over again.

How is it someone I haven't known long makes me feel safe? Safe to feel, safe to express myself. To sit in my sadness, and not try to fix me. Because I'm not broken. Neither are they. Their quiet support, their nonjudgemental demeanor- part of me is sad I'm so surprised. Surprised they exist.

This isn't me putting them on a pedestal. Far from it, actually. I think it's seeing clearly- both them and me. Standing in my truth, and not feeling afraid. It's simple- saying what they mean. Meaning what they say. Not pouring honey in my ear, to no ones benefit. Listening to me. Taking in stride my curiosity, an inquisitiveness born from wanting to know them better. Showing me their flaws, and commiserating with me over mine. Asking me questions- no one asks me questions. Partly my fault, but still. They don't let me avoid them.

I'm thankful for each tryst, each quiet moment laying on the couch, or cuddling up next to them. Waking up to them making fun of my sleep noises, because I know it isn't born from malice. Them looking at me through one eye, because they aren't awake yet either.

I didn't know. I didn't know what proper courting was. I didn't know I could feel so free, to just sit in this skin. Built as I'm built. To feel wanted this way. I hope they know, it's mutual.