5am heartaches.

It's selfish, but unsurprising- of course I'm taking it personally. 

You've always been honest, it's true. For someone with so few spoken words, you used them to the best of your abilities. 

It's not that you went unheard, or even misunderstood. It's difficult seeing it through your eyes- my heart and mind don't function in the same way. I promise I've tried though. 

So now what do I do? Cut and run? Feels a bit cowardly. Cutting off my nose, despite my face. Stay and...? What is it I'd be waiting for? You can't answer that now. Neither can I. I wonder if you even want to. 

I asked if there was a 9% chance- you laughed because you got the joke, but didn't actually answer.

I imagine we all want to believe we're worth fighting for- pushing through our own mental barriers and discomforts to meet someone where they are. I can tell you're worth it. I wonder if you know that.

 It's difficult to not have a go at myself- if I was more substantial-  smarter, prettier, thinner, more thoughtful, then maybe... 

So what's the next move? I keep hearing a monologue Charlotte Bronte wrote in Jane Eyre play in the back of my mind- it's a bit on the dramatic side, but what the hell- I'm feeling overwrought as it is-

“I have a strange feeling with regard to you. As if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly knotted to a similar string in you. And if you were to leave I'm afraid that cord of communion would snap. And I have a notion that I'd take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, you'd forget me.”

You'd forget me.

Why do I feel connected to you in this way? My measures are not yours- for me it's been time, investment. Though you said I was important... I can't explain myself. I'm just going by how I feel. Surpassed logic awhile back.

I'm so tired. I don't want to chase, plead my case, convince anyone of anything. All I know is I feel like the cord is being stretched- I imagine it's up to me whether to cut it, or not. But not today.