badminton.

I lean into their chest, tracing circles there, and we begin our seemingly monthly verbal badminton match- both of us going back and forth, digging deeper into thoughts and truths, me quenching my thirst with questions I've had brewing since the last.

I feel insecurities burgeoning up, ones they haven't given me reason to feel. Yet there they are. The narratives I allow to take me out at the knees- my belief in false promises from the people before, my putting trust in them, not believing I myself am deserving of... all of it. Not smart enough, pretty enough. It's the only reason I can explain why I've done this dance over and over with the ones before you. Am I seeing in them what really is? Or what I want to see? My biggest fears of them all, the last two.

Niki- focus. Listen to what they're saying. Laying out their reasons for why they feel as they do, why they're reticent. Giving another glimpse of their past, how they view whats happening here. Laying themselves bare- don't you dare make this moment about you.

I remind myself what they're saying isn't about me. They think and feel as they do because of people and moments predating me. My questions flow freely, they answer and answer, both of us not hesitating. Even if they might not like the question, and I might not like the answer. Some of their answers even come without prompting.

You're not the only person who has been hurt in this room.

Then they circle back to me. Circling around words I wish they would say. Believe them, they haven't given me reason not to trust.

What do I want? The fantasy? To be wildly pursued? To have them not want a moment without me? To make me theirs, saying the key words and phrases we're taught to expect- or how do you know it's real? Do I want to be swept up, carried away? To be enthralled, and them also? I've never been here. I've falsely had all of the above.

Most of how I've done things fails to streamline with societal tradition, and yet I fall back on these archetypes to tell me if this is real. So why then do I feel the most authentic with them? Look past your false logic, girl. Never, not once have I easily fallen into things- and yet I feel all the unease and friction thus far for us has been manufactured within the confines of my own mind. There I go, putting the onus all on my shoulders again.

I fixate on a lack of reciprocity, emotionally. Inequity in current feelings, because of course everything is fifty fifty... my eyes roll far back into my head when I type this last line.

Refocus- so much progress is coming out of this conversation. I reiterate what's important to me. They divulge more of themselves, and I finally realize I'm not the only one constructing differing narratives in my head. They just don't feel the need to down a glass or two of Cabernet Sauvignon to get there. Ah well, maybe we both do. Need the wine, I mean.

The next morning they say if I wasn't important, they wouldn't spend time with me in the first place. For whatever reason, it clicks. I am important. Something quiets in my mind, even just for a little while.

Trust the quiet, Niki.