You can take your dating, and shove it.

Dear dating-

Fuck. You.

Yeah, I said it. This is a whole bunch of bullshit. I'm calling bullshit on the whole thing.

I don't wanna do it. I hate the audition of it. Asking the umpteenth person where they're from. What they like to do. Oh- and fall into the female archetypes expected on a date.

Listen, if we're going to eat, then I'm gonna actually eat. And by eat, I mean order more than I should, and never finish it. I'll still want dessert too. No, I don't expect you to pay for all of it either. So calm your roll there, buster.

I also like to have a drink or two. Wine, beer, gin and tonics. Okay, okay- margaritas too. That's beside the point. I'm not dainty, I'm not classy. I'm not gonna giggle at your jokes if I don't find them funny. I will absolutely laugh at mine- because I know I'm hilarious.

I know what I want, and I don't want to do this dance. This may be coming across as bitter, and I'm gonna be all kinds of honest- I don't really care.

I'm a catch, who wants a family someday and someone who isn't gonna get bent when I want to eat in bed. Or constantly be in bed. Or not wear pants. It's a thing. What else can I tell you? I'm queer, identify as she, I'm black, I'm smart, done a lot of randomness, travelled... uhhhh. I'm sure there's more. Just ask. P.s.-  I don't necessarily want all of these things with you, or tomorrow. I want to take my time, and sort it out.

Let's just get the awkwardness out of the way, see if we like and want the same things. Then let's hang out and see if we can tolerate the way the other person squeezes the toothpaste. Or chews their food. Or if we are compatible big and little spoons. Priorities people, priorities. My top love languages are acts of service, quality time, and communication. I seem to fall for people who's top language is touch, which I'm not mad at. I'm a damn good cuddler.

Also! If we have sex early on, no judgement. I want to know if I want to drive the car. Buy the car? Whatever the turn of phrase is. You know what the hell I mean. I have a healthy sex drive... as I damn well should. You should too. Or you know, shuffle off with someone who doesn't.

What's the point of my rambling today? There isn't. I don't even think this is my first blog about this. I just didn't feel like deep diving into my old writings to see if I was repeating myself. Who cares anyway?

Ah well, we will see what happens. And by we, I mean me and whoever decides this silly rant is worth a read.

Cheers to whoever the person is I end up with, who reads this back to me one day and says, "So that's why you jumped me the first night, and looked at my toothpaste?"

Damn fucking right.

Hope vs. Envy

I used to often be so envious of others.

When I was younger it was the color of their skin, or their hair. A bit older it was of their significant others, or their children. We've all heard the phrase, "The grass is always greener"...

Then something fell into place for me, especially in more recent times. When I realized all I was searching for, I already had. Of course I still have dreams. My dreams are no longer based on what others may have that I do not. They aren't based on them at all- it's all with me.

I don't even want to say I'm lucky. I don't necessarily think it's luck. I think the life I have thus far is the life I was supposed to have. Filled with love and loss, with friends who are like family. Even family who are strangers to me. My friends and cousins children calling me their aunt, asking advice. Giving me a taste of parenthood.

I've learned I can choose. Choose who I associate with. Choose who to love. Choose how to live. There's so much freedom in that. No longer fretting over things I can't and will never control. If having a family is in the cards, it will happen. If having a forever with someone, that too. To honor How much I've seen, achieved, failed, learned- all of that is of equal importance. So I'll concentrate my attention there,

To not stand here and enjoy the feeling of the sun on my face is doing a disservice to all the opportunity I am afforded. Of course that doesn't mean I won't have moments. Be sad, or withdrawn. I am human.

But no more envy. No more longing. Just hope.

the idea of you.

I miss the idea of you.

The cleaned up, whimsical version. The one where we wanted the same things, or at least told one another that. I miss the dream, the fantasy, the hope. The one with its soundtrack of only good notes, and brilliant color. Isn't it funny how in looking back, we can easily strip our memories down to this?

I miss how closely we thought we fit. How my feelings for you saw past the cracks in both our armors. The tell tale signs of an eventual parting. I thought maybe there was a void to be filled, rather than someone enhancing what I already had.

The idea was and is not the reality. No one fits perfectly, I know that. I've always known, but didn't want to believe. It's a fantastical construct plenty of us would like to trust in. The truth is, I think I loved all of you to my fullest capacity at the times we met. Whether stunted, or whole hearted, it was all I had with you.

I know I miss the good, because I am afraid. Afraid though we weren't suited, I won't find someone who is. So of course it's far easier to look back and rewrite my history. Question what brought me here, and wonder what it would be like if I gave things another chance.

That can't be. I can't go back. I'm more whole now than I ever was. More myself, in this moment. With the possibility of a forever with someone who doesn't want to change me. Who wants to grow with me, learn with me, fight with and for me.

Of course there can be a sense of loss, but that doesn't mean I have to entertain a lack of hope. I know I am a part of someone else's dream, as they are a part of mine. And I've made myself a promise- not to fall for an idea. I am more than that, so are they.