the idea of you.

I miss the idea of you.

The cleaned up, whimsical version. The one where we wanted the same things, or at least told one another that. I miss the dream, the fantasy, the hope. The one with its soundtrack of only good notes, and brilliant color. Isn't it funny how in looking back, we can easily strip our memories down to this?

I miss how closely we thought we fit. How my feelings for you saw past the cracks in both our armors. The tell tale signs of an eventual parting. I thought maybe there was a void to be filled, rather than someone enhancing what I already had.

The idea was and is not the reality. No one fits perfectly, I know that. I've always known, but didn't want to believe. It's a fantastical construct plenty of us would like to trust in. The truth is, I think I loved all of you to my fullest capacity at the times we met. Whether stunted, or whole hearted, it was all I had with you.

I know I miss the good, because I am afraid. Afraid though we weren't suited, I won't find someone who is. So of course it's far easier to look back and rewrite my history. Question what brought me here, and wonder what it would be like if I gave things another chance.

That can't be. I can't go back. I'm more whole now than I ever was. More myself, in this moment. With the possibility of a forever with someone who doesn't want to change me. Who wants to grow with me, learn with me, fight with and for me.

Of course there can be a sense of loss, but that doesn't mean I have to entertain a lack of hope. I know I am a part of someone else's dream, as they are a part of mine. And I've made myself a promise- not to fall for an idea. I am more than that, so are they.