37.

 The sunset years of my thirties are nothing like I expected.

Put aside a global pandemic- none of us saw that coming, of course. It's just wild how differently our lives can turn out than we planned. 

I thought I'd have a forever partner by now, be a mother. Maybe a proper home, and a pup too. Instead I'm working on a doctorate, own a business, and continue my ability to long term date. My self talk reminds me this is my life. I need to stand in it presently, work towards what I want. Not compare to others. 

That's the easy bit- telling myself not to. At this point beyond comparison to others, I'm comparing to my own dreams. 

I don't feel like a failure. I did when I was younger. Divorced at twenty-six, just finishing my undergrad. Again when I was single on my thirtieth birthday, growing a fledgling business, flourishing in my career working with elite athletes. Once more after a disastrous breakup at thirty-four, finally deciding therapy might show the mistakes and thought processes I was repeating. Realizing I needed to take less of the fault onto myself, and be honest about what I want and need. 

Looking back I see a theme- my thoughts of failure attached to my personal relationships, rather than my professional shortcomings. Or the friendships I've lost along the way.

I feel loved and appreciated by those I hold dear. I'm still working on not living in a future just in my imaginings, but in a present filled with hope and possibility. 

I don't know if I feel old, but I know I no longer feel young. I know I'm not content, not disappointed either. 

This is my life. I'm living in it currently. I think now what I ponder the most is if this is the pinnacle, or if there's more? Too soon to tell, I think. Stay tuned.