I have mixed feelings about aging. On one hand, I enjoying knowing a lot more shit. About myself. About who am, how I identify. What's important to me.
On the other hand- why the fuck can't we Benjamin Button? Do I really have fat rolls now when I move in certain ways? Was the cellulite, or that wrinkle there too... this is ludicrous. Don't even get me started on my slowing metabolism, or inability to process alcohols or most foods. The audacity of the human body.
Do men think this shit too, or is this just what aging as a woman feels like? An unmarried, childless woman. So you know, lots to unload there.
One who fought hard to become highly educated in a male dominated profession, (aka most professions) has had several long term relationships- you know that have obviously crashed and burned respectively all in a row. Hey! Throw an early marriage and divorce in there, just for a pinch of interesting. Am I just clarifying I'm not a spinster? Whatever, this is my story.
So what comes next for me? I haven't the faintest foggiest. I'm currently working on a doctorate, dreaming randomly of kids, but still longing for adventure. What that adventure looks like- traveling, maybe lovers? Hell if I know. I'm only 37.
Yes, I just flip-flopped from feeling old to being young. It's a woman's prerogative. The most unhealthy people in my family live to be in their 80's anyway. I have so much more time to make life altering and possibly poor decisions.
I am in a relationship, but I don't want that to be the focal point of this introduction. I feel like it's the first question people ask women my age- as if it's not my own uterus yelling to the high heavens. Listen fam, I don't need any help being reminded I'm a ticking time bomb, and men have all the time in the world.
I guess I want to talk more about, well- me. I'm a caretaker type who has spent the majority of my life allowing others to be the center of my universe. I have a gift for attracting narcissists for example... I'm getting off topic again. Me, dammit.
So I wanted to begin writing some short stories. Vignettes really, of my life and what it's become thus far.
A life filled with a lot of choices I thought were right, that amounted to bupkis. A lot of "wrong" choices that have defined and enriched my existence. Partners who were female, male, trans. A life filled with some big dreams, and my getting over trying to fit into the tiniest of boxes.
So hi- my name is Niki. I have things to say. Maybe just on this wee little blog. Or other people will read it, and it will become the backdrop for a feature film! A broad can dream. There aren 't enough female lead stories out there anyway...
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