a breath away.

How do I create it?

Space between our bodies? Separate myself from you?

I struggle to make space, to push you away.

What is it you want from me? I wish you'd just say it.

But I know you won't. You never really do. Just talk in lazy circles.

I swear I want to break away, I want you out of my head.

Then you say the word, and I'm lost again.

Goddamn it.


I don't like my thoughts being entangled, but yours are not.

How do I create it?

Space from you?

Of lesser value.

What if I'm next? What if I know someone who is?

Staring in the mirror, assessing my value.

A woman.

A black woman.

A queer woman.

Another step, step, and step. Down, down, and down.


It's not enough to be light-skinned, or thought of as pretty. Educated, or eloquent. This week reminded me I'm still less. My body is seen as less. My life is seen as less. My value is seen as less.

Now I've hit a breaking point.

Encouraged since childhood not to seek it from outside of myself- be my own champion, my own advocate. My first love, and cheering section.

This is the first time in my life I can't hear it. The inner voice telling me it'll be alright. I've been down before, but this is different.

Will it ever matter how hard I work, or how much I dream? Will it ever matter how hard I fight, or how loudly I scream?

Will anyone know if something happens to me? My life isn't really mine. The reminders lined up like headstones.

What if I'm next? What if I know someone who is?

"Sick and tired of being sick and tired."

I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally spent.

I can't watch another viral video, see one more body violated. Watch another slew of condolence posts, in memoriam, then calls to action.

Then the intermittent silence. We cycle again. Most of us just waiting for the next, knowing it will be forgotten as quickly as the last. Some will hit us harder, others we'll shake our heads but be unsurprised. This is our normal.

I'm expected to go about my day, try to function as if it's just like any other. It isn't normal to have a constant warfare command the use of all your senses. Daily micro-aggressions, very oftentimes followed by more. Over, and over, and over.

I'm far from alright. I'm almost always far from alright.

Don't try to take this feeling away from me, by comparing my experience to those who might be less fortunate elsewhere. Don't diminish my legitimate fears, when people who look like me, are like me, are related to me, are not valued. Are violated. Are murdered. Are then torn down in death, because a system touted to keep us safe is a system used to keep us down. Stay small. Be less than. Know your fucking place.

"Work twice as hard for half as much." "Keep your head down." "Don't make a scene." "White people are looking at you." "Know your limits." "This is how you stay safe from..." "Don't make eye contact." "Keep your hands visible." "Know your place." Know your place.

We're taught to fear. We live double lives, and by double standards. We dream big, just to be reminded daily our dreams will only come true if they are the service of those who don't look like us. Read that again.

Tell me it isn't true- then ask yourself why you feel the need to say it? Why you need to point out what, "they must have done wrong" why you need to point out, "well look at them looting". Look at your language. Us. Them. You distance to make yourself feel better. I distance full well knowing my value differs from yours.

You can turn off the TV. You can hide your social media feeds. You can set yourself apart. You can choose to stay quiet. You can choose. You. Can. Choose. I can't. We can't.

If you aren't as tired, as heartbroken, as violated, as fed up- ask yourself why not? And ask yourself, really ask yourself- if you even fucking care?

This isn't the job of people like me to educate you. You should want to learn. You should want to change. You should understand your privilege isn't a slight, it's a truth. It's not your brother being slowly executed in the streets, chased down like an animal, beaten in full view of others. So many murders...

There were white freedom riders too. Remember that.

I'm tired of challenging your lack of humanity, your lack or courage. And I'm allowed to be tired. This isn't just a black problem. I don't know what else you need to see, to hear, to read, to wake up and realize that.

And now I'll go back to my high functioning way of life. Back to carrying the burdens of everyday life, all while having another level of functioning below the surface, a constant survival mode.  I say high functioning because I live fully aware in truth, I control nothing. I could have all my rights taken away, my life taken away in a way you possibly will never understand. Yet I still smile, dance, go to school, fall in love, dream, cry, scream, hope. Always so many levels.

And you'll click off here.

badminton.

I lean into their chest, tracing circles there, and we begin our seemingly monthly verbal badminton match- both of us going back and forth, digging deeper into thoughts and truths, me quenching my thirst with questions I've had brewing since the last.

I feel insecurities burgeoning up, ones they haven't given me reason to feel. Yet there they are. The narratives I allow to take me out at the knees- my belief in false promises from the people before, my putting trust in them, not believing I myself am deserving of... all of it. Not smart enough, pretty enough. It's the only reason I can explain why I've done this dance over and over with the ones before you. Am I seeing in them what really is? Or what I want to see? My biggest fears of them all, the last two.

Niki- focus. Listen to what they're saying. Laying out their reasons for why they feel as they do, why they're reticent. Giving another glimpse of their past, how they view whats happening here. Laying themselves bare- don't you dare make this moment about you.

I remind myself what they're saying isn't about me. They think and feel as they do because of people and moments predating me. My questions flow freely, they answer and answer, both of us not hesitating. Even if they might not like the question, and I might not like the answer. Some of their answers even come without prompting.

You're not the only person who has been hurt in this room.

Then they circle back to me. Circling around words I wish they would say. Believe them, they haven't given me reason not to trust.

What do I want? The fantasy? To be wildly pursued? To have them not want a moment without me? To make me theirs, saying the key words and phrases we're taught to expect- or how do you know it's real? Do I want to be swept up, carried away? To be enthralled, and them also? I've never been here. I've falsely had all of the above.

Most of how I've done things fails to streamline with societal tradition, and yet I fall back on these archetypes to tell me if this is real. So why then do I feel the most authentic with them? Look past your false logic, girl. Never, not once have I easily fallen into things- and yet I feel all the unease and friction thus far for us has been manufactured within the confines of my own mind. There I go, putting the onus all on my shoulders again.

I fixate on a lack of reciprocity, emotionally. Inequity in current feelings, because of course everything is fifty fifty... my eyes roll far back into my head when I type this last line.

Refocus- so much progress is coming out of this conversation. I reiterate what's important to me. They divulge more of themselves, and I finally realize I'm not the only one constructing differing narratives in my head. They just don't feel the need to down a glass or two of Cabernet Sauvignon to get there. Ah well, maybe we both do. Need the wine, I mean.

The next morning they say if I wasn't important, they wouldn't spend time with me in the first place. For whatever reason, it clicks. I am important. Something quiets in my mind, even just for a little while.

Trust the quiet, Niki.

Thoughts from a small business owner... and someone trying not to lose it in general amidst Corona.

People have asked me often how I’m doing. So I’ll give you a wee glimpse of the inner workings of my mind currently-

OMG AM I GONNA MAKE IT OUT OF THIS?! Seriously- can’t pay my bills, might lose my business, might lose all the things...

5 minutes later... lemme just make sure I’ve filled out every possible loan and grant there is... (rabbit holes for several hours). Do this every day, because that isn’t the definition of insanity.

Every morning- check my bank account for my stimulus check. No dice. Check the California Unemployment website to see if they’ve set it up for sole proprietors yet, (part of the stimulus package passed last month is supposed to cover people like me) swing and a miss.

“But Niki- why don’t you just go out and try to find a job in the interim?” 1. Don’t be rude. 2. You think I haven’t tried? 3. Have you heard of flattening the curve?!

You’re also reminding a control freak she’s completely out of her depth, and has no control. But thanks for acting like I can’t think myself out of a brown paper bag. I’m social distancing- I haven’t lost my ability to critically think.

Was so proud of getting rid of all my side hustles- now trying to figure out side hustles I can do from home. For the foreseeable future. Oh wait- I don’t have a PC to do half these online gigs. My Apple doesn’t cut it. Mer.

I’m also trained for group activities, aka sports. So, yea. My entire education is geared around athletes and physical assessment. Certified Athletic trainer, massage therapist, yoga instructor... (rubs face in frustration, then remembers that’s illegal).

Offloading as many things as I can to help lighten the load- pause a membership here, get rid of this and that. Only a couple hundred dollar difference, but makes me feel like I'm doing something.

Don't let myself borrow trouble about my friends and family working on the front lines. Just sending all the love. Lingering in my periphery is the fear I'll know someone who gets sick. Oddly not as freaked if I get sick. Looking into doing an advance directive after my cousin and I talk about it, just in case. Update my medical ID on my cell phone. Maybe I just can't process it all. Feeling shitty I let my EMT lapse. Wish I could help. 

Currently off from school, so trying to mentally rest, but also DO ALL THE THINGS I HAVEN'T GOT DONE BECAUSE OF SCHOOL. Missing my classmates, wondering when we’ll occupy the same space. Then again, we’re training to put needles in people... it might be a minute.

Go on social media and get lost for hours? Why not? I follow the BBC, CBC, The Guardian, The Hill, The New York Times, The Boston Globe, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, LA Times, San Diego local news, CNN... just to realize we’re all in the same boat. Who wants a drink? Maybe a sandwich? I’m always hungry.

Watch a bunch of politicians put their needs before the people- get all up in a huff, then make sure to register to vote through the mail. Wait, the USPS might go under? What the... go buy stamps with the little money I have in my bank account. Every little bit helps.

Watch the upteenth animal video to get a warm fuzzy feeling. Now back to reading how the entire world has lost its marbles.

Marie Kondo everything? Quadruple check. Have a million texts threads, Marco polos, FaceTimes, and Zoom hangouts? You bet. Even meet friends to stand six feet apart and run errands together, just to have human interaction. Masks and all. Would love to give them a hug goodbye, but that's no longer a thing. Definitely took casual touch for granted. Air hug and laugh, because that's where we are.

Start funny new habits like an overly ambitious facial regime. Also trying to learn to paint my nails. Terrible at it. But at least that's an hour spent doing something. Also rebraided my hair, and now look like a mermaid. Now I miss water, and the beach. Stupid wandering thought process...

Call and text my parents regularly, and tell them off about going outside. Because of course, they aren’t high functioning adults either. Mum just laughs, and padre ignores me. All in a loving way.

Rudely awoken more than once by one of my best friends who refuses to pay attention to do not disturb. Talk to her more than I've talked to her in years, and we talk all the time. We both own small businesses, so we vent and cry together about feeling powerless. Then remind each other we're bad asses, and we're gonna make it. Always get off the phone realizing I'm a lucky broad to have her, even if she can't respect my sleep cycle. 

Do a drive by birthday for my nephew, got to see a bunch of my families faces for the first time in weeks. It's the longest I've gone without seeing a family member in person. Wish I could touch my nieces and nephews- missing the hell out of those little punks. Sniffle all the way home after, and mentally promise to see them more often when this is over. Ponder driving two and a half hours just to see my parents faces.

How about work on my continuing education for all my certifications? Doing that too, since I’ve got a lot of time... now I can’t turn them in to half the people I’m supposed to- they’ve been laid off too. Gotta wait until we’re back to normal to submit for completion. Haha nOrMaL. 

Working out? Oh yea. For hours. Probs why I’m sore from my hairline to my toe nails...

Sometimes go outside and just stand in the sun. Just cause.

How about my mental health? Doing telehealth appointments with my therapist once a month. Made her laugh on the last one. We both agreed one of the best things about telehealth is we both weren’t obligated to wear a bra. Still wore shirts of course, (don’t be weird). Silver linings. Might have to up my appointments. Have them scheduled through August, since why not?

“But Niki- you’re artistic, why don’t you do art?” Why don’t you leave me alone KAREN maybe I’m not inspired to be artistic right now?!

Streamed all the things on Hulu, HBO, Netflix, and Disney+? I’ve even done the MCU marathon... real talk- I cried like a baby.

Oversleep. Undersleep. Have wild dreams. Pissed at some of the cameos in them, (why does my brain INSIST on letting people like childhood bullies, or exes make appearances?! Rude. I did slay a dragon in one though. That was spiffy. Also had kids in another. Trippy stuff). Take a nap. Maybe two. Whatever. Who cares?

The point of all this? I know a lot of you are well meaning when trying to give me "productive" things to do. I've been social distancing for a month. Believe me, I've thought about it, read about it, or done it. If you want to share a spiffy new show, cocktail, movie, or meme? Go right ahead. Maybe you’ll relate to some of this. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll think I’m bitching- I don’t care, this isn’t your blog. Just processing, and finding humor to be my favorite salve through all of this. Since sheer terror is already taken...

5am heartaches.

It's selfish, but unsurprising- of course I'm taking it personally. 

You've always been honest, it's true. For someone with so few spoken words, you used them to the best of your abilities. 

It's not that you went unheard, or even misunderstood. It's difficult seeing it through your eyes- my heart and mind don't function in the same way. I promise I've tried though. 

So now what do I do? Cut and run? Feels a bit cowardly. Cutting off my nose, despite my face. Stay and...? What is it I'd be waiting for? You can't answer that now. Neither can I. I wonder if you even want to. 

I asked if there was a 9% chance- you laughed because you got the joke, but didn't actually answer.

I imagine we all want to believe we're worth fighting for- pushing through our own mental barriers and discomforts to meet someone where they are. I can tell you're worth it. I wonder if you know that.

 It's difficult to not have a go at myself- if I was more substantial-  smarter, prettier, thinner, more thoughtful, then maybe... 

So what's the next move? I keep hearing a monologue Charlotte Bronte wrote in Jane Eyre play in the back of my mind- it's a bit on the dramatic side, but what the hell- I'm feeling overwrought as it is-

“I have a strange feeling with regard to you. As if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly knotted to a similar string in you. And if you were to leave I'm afraid that cord of communion would snap. And I have a notion that I'd take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, you'd forget me.”

You'd forget me.

Why do I feel connected to you in this way? My measures are not yours- for me it's been time, investment. Though you said I was important... I can't explain myself. I'm just going by how I feel. Surpassed logic awhile back.

I'm so tired. I don't want to chase, plead my case, convince anyone of anything. All I know is I feel like the cord is being stretched- I imagine it's up to me whether to cut it, or not. But not today.

tethers.

What if I put it all down? All the tethers.

What if it wasn't me who made the calls, or sent the texts?

I ponder this often.

It's so a part of my nature, to use my words to let others know I care. That I love them.

Bring us all together, so we know people are the most important thing.

I don't want to be the glue.

I want less responsibility.

But what if I treated the people the way I feel? Stopped responding. Left them on unread.

Maybe it's time. Take the onus off my shoulders. Be less. Expect less.



It's not a cry for attention. It's a deeply sunken exhaustion.

Maybe it will pass today, or tomorrow. I don't know.

I don't want to always pull the tethers.