Segregation by any other name is still segregation

Segregation- (noun) the action of setting someone or something apart from other people or things being set apart

            When people in the United States hear the word segregation, most think of the Jim Crow laws enacted in the south after the Civil war, and were followed until the 1960’s. People try to say the attacks on the LGBT community are not the same. Go back and look at the definition of segregation. When you divide people, any kind of people by race, color, creed, sexual orientation, gender or religion, you are segregating them. You are telling them they are less than, they are not equal in your eyes, so they do not deserve even the same basic rights you have.

            You would think people would look back at the history of human kind and see example after example of what segregating people does, and how each group of people have fought and continue to fight for the rights all humans deserve. The persecution of the Christians by the Romans, the Spanish Inquisition, the Holocaust, the treatment of immigrants who came into the United States from Europe, the treatment of black people in the south. I can already hear the reactions I may get from these comparisons- how dare I compare what the Jews went through in WWII to this? Or public lynching of blacks, for that matter?

            I make these comparisons because each example of injustice I provided didn’t start out being so bloody, so terrible. They started with laws. Laws passed to limit the rights of certain groups of people, fueled by fear and ignorance. Each example I gave gained momentum, to finally become the horrid examples of injustice we read about in history books. I am not saying we here in America may ever get to that point again, but we of all places should be an example of tolerance and love, acceptance and decency. We want to be the leaders of the free world? Then we had damn better act like it.

            Take a look at Russia, and Uganda. Have you seen the laws they are passing against the Gay community? It’s frightening. We point fingers and criticize them for what they are doing. How are we any better if we allow bills like 1062 pass into law? We don’t have a leg to stand on in this argument. “Separate but equal” is not equal. Haven’t we already proven that?

We all have equal rights under the laws of the land we love, (if you need clarification on this point feel free to read the 14^th amendment to our constitution). This is a proud country, lucky enough to be a “melting pot” filled with all kinds of people. Fight hard against your fear of the unknown, of your fear of those who are different from you. Try to be open.

            This argument makes me think of the film, A Time to Kill. There is a monologue at the end given by one of the principle actors. He paints a picture of a hate crime committed against a young black girl at the beginning of the film. It’s graphic and unsettling. At the very end he says, “now imagine she’s white.” Take a minute and put yourself in the shoes of the people who are being segregated. Imagine how it must feel, to be separated from others for things outside of your control. Let’s be serious, if this were about religion, let’s say Christians for example, we wouldn’t even be having this argument.

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out-- Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out-- Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out-- Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me--and there was no one left to speak for me.”

-       Pastor Martin Niemoller

No, I won't have a kid to make you feel better.

Dear random person who finds out my age- stop telling me I need to hurry up and have kids.

            Seriously, I love it when people state the obvious to me. “You’re not getting any younger.”       “ The older you get, the harder it will be to conceive” “Aren’t you afraid of the health risks?” No, I’ve been living under a rock. I’m so dumb; I have no idea about any of these things.  Please tell me factoids, email me news stories, and post things on my wall until I feel I might get a nosebleed from the ridiculous amount of information you think I need to know. If you can’t read sarcasm, that entire paragraph is written sarcastically. Side note, there should be a font for that.

            I realize mostly this is society talking. People love to regurgitate the things they hear over and over again. I’m turning thirty this year, and I know in not the far distant past I would have been considered a spinster. I would have been a shame upon my household, and my father would have taken extreme measures like fluffing up my dowry, or offering to throw in a cow and some extra chickens if someone would just marry me and knock me up already.

            Let me spell this out for you- I. Am. Not. In. A. Rush. Of course I have mini panic attacks when I think things like, “Sweet baby Jesus- I’m never gonna procreate and I’ll just be that aunt that people whisper about!?” Are any of you people under the impression you’re helping me out by pointing out the fact I’m single? Well, you’re not. So quit already.

            This is not addressed to my friends who just like to give me a hard time. I have one friend who keeps telling me to just have an “oops” already, then the pressure will be off and I can do what I want from that point on. I happen to think he’s nuts, but no one said everything that comes out of your friend’s mouths are golden nuggets of knowledge.

            Something people don’t realize about me, I’m actually very traditional. I like to act like I’m not, but that’s all kinds of untrue. I’d like to meet someone, date for a while. Then get married, and sooner or later have some lil’ bambinos to call my own. I don’t want someone random helping me make the children who could rule the world… or run it into the ground, whatever the case may be.

            I’ve been holding auditions for my significant other for half of my life now. There have been good candidates, asshat candidates, and some who never deserved a chance to begin with but I must have left my brain somewhere else while we were courting. What can I say? Shit happens.

            Here’s the thing, if my own parents are telling me to take my time, then where the hell do you get off telling me to step up my game and marry myself someone stat? My mum is so ready for her grandkids, but she doesn’t give me even a fraction of the hell I get from you, random dude.

            So this is what I’m gonna do- I’m gonna keep doing rad stuff with my career, having a kickass time with my friends and family, and I’m going to start my masters soon. I’ll keep going on dates, and meeting new people. How about you stop telling me the statistics of everything that can go wrong with relationships and pregnancy once I hit thirty, and just high five me for all the cool stuff I’ve done? Then we’re both doing our part, and I won’t feel the need to high kick you in the knee when you say really dumb stuff to me. Cool beans? So glad we could clear that up.

My significant other "hit" list

            Recently I’ve had more than one person ask me what I want in a significant other. Truth- I was stumped. I had to sit and really think about it. I’ve always made fun of other women who had lists of the qualities they wanted in their dream person. Really, a list? Who can live up to that? Yet the more I think about it, the more I realize maybe I should have some idea of what I expect, of myself and of them. So here I go- this is what I want. I think. Frick.

-I want someone who appreciates me for all the randomness I bring to the table. I’m a woman who can rehab your injury, and cook you dinner. I read Shakespeare, I love musicals, but I hate sharing my feelings. I’m not touchy-feely, yet my entire job has to do with touch. I love doing laundry, hate touching dishes. I work out, but eat like a dick. I’ll empty my bank account for you, but don’t you dare do the same for me. It doesn’t matter how many degrees and certifications I get, I still have a complex that I may not be smart enough. I could keep going, but I think you get the idea.

-I want someone who doesn’t want to fit me in a box. I’m me- this is the way I was packaged. Stop being attracted to me for the way I am, then asking me to make drastic changes to fit your idea of a dream girl. I will not give up my leggings, go on a diet, change my hair, and stop cussing for you. I know when to be appropriate, so get over yourself. Hint- I fell for you for the way you are, ya pain in my ass.

-Understand that if I decide you are someone who is important to me, then there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. You think I’m joking? Ask any of my closest friends. I’ll give you the world and back again. Try not to take full advantage.

-Respect when I tell you up front I want a family. Not right this second, don’t you dare try to knock me up on the first date. This was a very recent epiphany for me.

-Respect that my family and friends are as important as I say. If you don’t understand how important they are, then bugger off. We will not get along. Please god, have your own friends and family you love and want to be around too. If you are a loner and expect me to fill your social void, then I am not the lady of your dreams.

-Believe me when I say this- I don’t think money is the most important thing on this earth. The people in our lives, and how we make them feel, that’s what matters. Yes, we need money. I’m not a complete loon. But if money is so important to you that you would choose to earn a silly amount of money instead of making a home with me… next!

-I know I am in no way perfect, so don’t expect me to be. I fuck up, and say the wrong thing. I know this. I’ll try not to tell you what you’ve done wrong over and over again, so would you do the same?

-Do not try to dominate me. Some people see me as a challenge. They want to “conquer” a strong willed, opinionated woman. I am not a prize to be won, and hung over your mantle piece to be shared with your friends. I know relationships cannot always be equal, but hopefully they are strong where I am weak. There can be give and take. Do not try to stick a flag in me and claim me as yours.

-I like to eat food in bed. Yes, that means there may be crumbs. Buy me a mini vac. This may seem like it has no place in this, but since I’m pointing out all the things I don’t want… if this is a deal breaker, than so be it!

-I would suck at being a “kept” woman, so please don’t think I want to ever be one. (Kept = trophy wife)

- DO NOT under any circumstance think opening a conversation with a line like, “Lemme talk at you for a minute.” Or, “ Guuurl lemme holla atchu!” will work in your favor. Do not speak to me like I’m an object, and if your personality is anything like a guy who whistles at chicks from the construction site that is his very personality…efff off. I mean that in the nicest way possible.

-       You don’t have to like all the same things I do. Please, please, PLEASE like stuff I don’t. Push me outside my comfort zone. I really hope you feel the same way.

           

- I want someone who still believes in romance. Believes in fighting for a relationship. Believes in soul mates, and that love can last a lifetime.

-       I want someone who will understand sometimes I breakdown. I can be vulnerable. I’m not strong all the time, and sometimes I need someone to just be there. Don’t try to fix me, just be there.

- Love me for being a dreamer. For wearing rose colored glasses, and wanting to believe the best in people. You don’t have to think the way I do, love me for not being just like you. I hope you have dreams too. I hope we can accomplish some of our dreams together. I know that sounds all kinds of corny, bite me.

- I’ll love you the way I love all the people who are important. Wholeheartedly, passionately, willingly. I will try to listen and to be present. I’ll try not to talk over you, and be there for you when you need me. I will fight for us.

I feel like those are the bigger points. You may have noticed I never specified looks, or gender. That’s because I believe we fall in love with so much more than the way a person looks, or if they happen to be a man or a woman. I’ve loved more than one person, and they didn’t all look the same, (ok, I might have a thing for blonde blue eyed guys, but I grew up in California and those dudes are a dime a dozen!).

I want what I think everyone wants- someone to be there with them through all of it, to experience life by their side. Someone who loves me on the good days and the bad, and won’t judge me for the flaws that make me me. I want someone I can love for the way they were built. I want to not need them, but to want them.

I may live in a fantasy world now that I reread what I wrote here. Whatever. I’ve heard music play in my head when I’ve fallen in love before. Who’s to say I won’t find that again, for the rest of my days?

Why I suck at dating

I’m writing this as a twenty-nine year old woman who is just learning about the dating world, and all it has to offer. Ok, let me give some backstory. I stopped dating at fifteen years old; (you’re more than welcome to scratch your head at this point. No one said I was a bright girl at that age). I started going steady with my future ex-husband at fifteen. We got married when I was twenty-one, separated by the time I was twenty-four, and finally divorced by twenty-six.

            At that point, I went on a bit of a rampage. I’ll outline it for you- I wanted to fit all the experience I missed out on while I was tied down. I hooked up with a couple of people when I was separated, but I brought it up to an art form once I was officially divorced, (get your head out of the gutter. I’m not a complete floozy. I’d like to say I’m a “repeat offender”. Judge away, but let’s be serious- I have needs and this isn’t the Victorian Era… I also have a healthy fear of cooties). Reenter women into my dating life. I hadn’t kissed a girl since before my ex, and it felt like coming home.

            I couldn’t get enough… of kissing more than one woman. Which if anyone knows what it’s like to date women, is a really big no-no. Ever heard of “Uhauling”? It’s a term only really used towards exclusively female relationships when they shack up together after dating for .5 seconds and they buy a cat and matching jammies. Women can communicate so much more easily with other women, be open and exposed. There’s a whole different level of understanding, emotional sharing… I was on the opposite side of the spectrum. I was told on a constant basis that I dated “like a guy”,  (Before I get really going- I hate that term. There aren’t “guys and girls” in same sex relationships. I think what the girls I was dating were trying to tell me was that I dated differently than what they expected).

            What does that mean? It means I forgot to call, was stand-offish, hooked up with who I wanted, gave speeches like, “I’m not looking for anything serious”, “let’s just see what happens,” “No- I don’t want to buy a dog with you.” All right, not all guys are like that. That being said, we all know several guys who are. Anyway, none of these things ever went over well. I flirted openly with people, didn’t hide my wandering eye, missed important things like Valentine’s Day, and didn’t tell them I missed them the minute I left their house.  Getting to the point- I was a dick.

            Here’s the really funny part, when it came to guys I got some serious karma dished out to me. Well, after I stopped dating my second ex, (three years of on and off ridiculousness, ending in me crying like a little girl when he realized I didn’t fit into his grand plan. It was a shit plan anyway, but that isn’t the point of this).

            So I embarked on really dating men for the first time- and holy crap I sucked at it. I did it all wrong- fell quickly, made myself too available. Didn’t play the game like making them call or text me first. Maybe I’m the one who wants to run the show, and hated they got to dictate the moves. Ok, not maybe. I HATE them getting to call the plays, Grrr Arrgh. Oh- did I mention I have the patience of a three year old? Which means when I didn’t hear from them, I moved on to the next flavor of the month. I was used to making all the moves- because it’s what I learned when I dated women. I can’t stop rolling my eyes as I reread that last sentence. The same rules do not apply and yet I wanted them to. I was used to being the aggressor, to pursuing what I wanted- and then being the asshat by not calling and ignoring them completely. What the heck, now I’m on the receiving end?!

            I agree it was a well-deserved lesson. Most people learn how to date earlier on, and don’t have the added complication of being attracted to both sexes, and having a split personality when it comes to them. You’d think I’d learn… says the single woman.

            For those who believe all bisexuals are hoes- no, we are not. And no, it is not necessarily easier to date when you are attracted to both sexes. I love fiery Latin women who do things like key my car, scream at me in the street, then kiss me and tell me way too early they love me. I also love alpha males who do not know what to do with an alpha female. But I digress.

            You can psychoanalyze this all you want. Believe me, I’ve heard it, “You’ll find them when you’re ready.” “You do this because you secretly aren’t ready to date.” You have the emotional range of a teaspoon right now.” There is most likely a grain of truth to all of that. If I really wanted someone, I’m sure they would show up.  Maybe. Hell if I really know, I’m just guessing here.

            But this piece isn’t gonna end all cute with a story about how now I’ve met my person and we’re about to have a bunch of sexy peanut butter babies. This piece ends with- it’s ok to not have it all figured out. I’m ok with sucking at dating. There’s a learning curve for everyone, and I just did things all kinds of backwards. I’ll figure this all out eventually, hopefully before I become Miss Havisham or the crazy cat lady, (cats suck). Worse comes to worse, I keep racking up hilarious dating stories I tell to all my friends.

            Yes, I want someone to share all my quirkiness with, but I don’t need anyone. Until then, I’ll continue to eat pizza in bed because no one complains about the crumbs it leaves, and walking around my house improperly clothed. Painting a great picture, right? You’re welcome.