Why I suck at dating

I’m writing this as a twenty-nine year old woman who is just learning about the dating world, and all it has to offer. Ok, let me give some backstory. I stopped dating at fifteen years old; (you’re more than welcome to scratch your head at this point. No one said I was a bright girl at that age). I started going steady with my future ex-husband at fifteen. We got married when I was twenty-one, separated by the time I was twenty-four, and finally divorced by twenty-six.

            At that point, I went on a bit of a rampage. I’ll outline it for you- I wanted to fit all the experience I missed out on while I was tied down. I hooked up with a couple of people when I was separated, but I brought it up to an art form once I was officially divorced, (get your head out of the gutter. I’m not a complete floozy. I’d like to say I’m a “repeat offender”. Judge away, but let’s be serious- I have needs and this isn’t the Victorian Era… I also have a healthy fear of cooties). Reenter women into my dating life. I hadn’t kissed a girl since before my ex, and it felt like coming home.

            I couldn’t get enough… of kissing more than one woman. Which if anyone knows what it’s like to date women, is a really big no-no. Ever heard of “Uhauling”? It’s a term only really used towards exclusively female relationships when they shack up together after dating for .5 seconds and they buy a cat and matching jammies. Women can communicate so much more easily with other women, be open and exposed. There’s a whole different level of understanding, emotional sharing… I was on the opposite side of the spectrum. I was told on a constant basis that I dated “like a guy”,  (Before I get really going- I hate that term. There aren’t “guys and girls” in same sex relationships. I think what the girls I was dating were trying to tell me was that I dated differently than what they expected).

            What does that mean? It means I forgot to call, was stand-offish, hooked up with who I wanted, gave speeches like, “I’m not looking for anything serious”, “let’s just see what happens,” “No- I don’t want to buy a dog with you.” All right, not all guys are like that. That being said, we all know several guys who are. Anyway, none of these things ever went over well. I flirted openly with people, didn’t hide my wandering eye, missed important things like Valentine’s Day, and didn’t tell them I missed them the minute I left their house.  Getting to the point- I was a dick.

            Here’s the really funny part, when it came to guys I got some serious karma dished out to me. Well, after I stopped dating my second ex, (three years of on and off ridiculousness, ending in me crying like a little girl when he realized I didn’t fit into his grand plan. It was a shit plan anyway, but that isn’t the point of this).

            So I embarked on really dating men for the first time- and holy crap I sucked at it. I did it all wrong- fell quickly, made myself too available. Didn’t play the game like making them call or text me first. Maybe I’m the one who wants to run the show, and hated they got to dictate the moves. Ok, not maybe. I HATE them getting to call the plays, Grrr Arrgh. Oh- did I mention I have the patience of a three year old? Which means when I didn’t hear from them, I moved on to the next flavor of the month. I was used to making all the moves- because it’s what I learned when I dated women. I can’t stop rolling my eyes as I reread that last sentence. The same rules do not apply and yet I wanted them to. I was used to being the aggressor, to pursuing what I wanted- and then being the asshat by not calling and ignoring them completely. What the heck, now I’m on the receiving end?!

            I agree it was a well-deserved lesson. Most people learn how to date earlier on, and don’t have the added complication of being attracted to both sexes, and having a split personality when it comes to them. You’d think I’d learn… says the single woman.

            For those who believe all bisexuals are hoes- no, we are not. And no, it is not necessarily easier to date when you are attracted to both sexes. I love fiery Latin women who do things like key my car, scream at me in the street, then kiss me and tell me way too early they love me. I also love alpha males who do not know what to do with an alpha female. But I digress.

            You can psychoanalyze this all you want. Believe me, I’ve heard it, “You’ll find them when you’re ready.” “You do this because you secretly aren’t ready to date.” You have the emotional range of a teaspoon right now.” There is most likely a grain of truth to all of that. If I really wanted someone, I’m sure they would show up.  Maybe. Hell if I really know, I’m just guessing here.

            But this piece isn’t gonna end all cute with a story about how now I’ve met my person and we’re about to have a bunch of sexy peanut butter babies. This piece ends with- it’s ok to not have it all figured out. I’m ok with sucking at dating. There’s a learning curve for everyone, and I just did things all kinds of backwards. I’ll figure this all out eventually, hopefully before I become Miss Havisham or the crazy cat lady, (cats suck). Worse comes to worse, I keep racking up hilarious dating stories I tell to all my friends.

            Yes, I want someone to share all my quirkiness with, but I don’t need anyone. Until then, I’ll continue to eat pizza in bed because no one complains about the crumbs it leaves, and walking around my house improperly clothed. Painting a great picture, right? You’re welcome.