No, I won't have a kid to make you feel better.

Dear random person who finds out my age- stop telling me I need to hurry up and have kids.

            Seriously, I love it when people state the obvious to me. “You’re not getting any younger.”       “ The older you get, the harder it will be to conceive” “Aren’t you afraid of the health risks?” No, I’ve been living under a rock. I’m so dumb; I have no idea about any of these things.  Please tell me factoids, email me news stories, and post things on my wall until I feel I might get a nosebleed from the ridiculous amount of information you think I need to know. If you can’t read sarcasm, that entire paragraph is written sarcastically. Side note, there should be a font for that.

            I realize mostly this is society talking. People love to regurgitate the things they hear over and over again. I’m turning thirty this year, and I know in not the far distant past I would have been considered a spinster. I would have been a shame upon my household, and my father would have taken extreme measures like fluffing up my dowry, or offering to throw in a cow and some extra chickens if someone would just marry me and knock me up already.

            Let me spell this out for you- I. Am. Not. In. A. Rush. Of course I have mini panic attacks when I think things like, “Sweet baby Jesus- I’m never gonna procreate and I’ll just be that aunt that people whisper about!?” Are any of you people under the impression you’re helping me out by pointing out the fact I’m single? Well, you’re not. So quit already.

            This is not addressed to my friends who just like to give me a hard time. I have one friend who keeps telling me to just have an “oops” already, then the pressure will be off and I can do what I want from that point on. I happen to think he’s nuts, but no one said everything that comes out of your friend’s mouths are golden nuggets of knowledge.

            Something people don’t realize about me, I’m actually very traditional. I like to act like I’m not, but that’s all kinds of untrue. I’d like to meet someone, date for a while. Then get married, and sooner or later have some lil’ bambinos to call my own. I don’t want someone random helping me make the children who could rule the world… or run it into the ground, whatever the case may be.

            I’ve been holding auditions for my significant other for half of my life now. There have been good candidates, asshat candidates, and some who never deserved a chance to begin with but I must have left my brain somewhere else while we were courting. What can I say? Shit happens.

            Here’s the thing, if my own parents are telling me to take my time, then where the hell do you get off telling me to step up my game and marry myself someone stat? My mum is so ready for her grandkids, but she doesn’t give me even a fraction of the hell I get from you, random dude.

            So this is what I’m gonna do- I’m gonna keep doing rad stuff with my career, having a kickass time with my friends and family, and I’m going to start my masters soon. I’ll keep going on dates, and meeting new people. How about you stop telling me the statistics of everything that can go wrong with relationships and pregnancy once I hit thirty, and just high five me for all the cool stuff I’ve done? Then we’re both doing our part, and I won’t feel the need to high kick you in the knee when you say really dumb stuff to me. Cool beans? So glad we could clear that up.