Partner by number: why are we counting?

            I had an enlightening conversation with a friend recently- we were talking about conversations we’ve had with our current significant others, especially how many partners they’d had before us. I think I was shocked because my friend is younger than I am, yet had a very old-fashioned idea, (in my opinion) of how many sexual partners are too many.

            I think as a thirty-year old woman, my take may be different. I know I already go to my own drumbeat on most things, but am I alone on this one? Does your number really matter? Listen, I would have loved to have the romantic ideal be my reality- meeting my one and only, riding off into the sunset together. Having little bambinos and a dog named Cooter, the works. It wasn’t meant to be for me. Now I’ve been in a couple of long-term relationships, even gave marriage the college try. Now I’m back out on the dating scene, and guess what- (gasp) that means I’ve slept with more than one person in my lifetime.

            Does this make me “less than” others who have had fewer partners than I have? I’m not going through partners the way I mow through a box of milk duds, but I am a woman with urges. Let me further define that- I am a liberated woman in a time when I can see and do things the women before me could not do. This includes my sexual conduct. My body, my choice and all that lot. 

            If I’ve been dating someone awhile, most likely we’re going to have a roll in the hay. I use protection, and get tested. I’m not sure when it became uncool to be tested, but I still remember the ravages of AIDS before all the medications on the market today. That alone was and is enough for me to get tested regularly.  So again, why does the amount of partners I’ve had matter?

            There’s a huge double standard when it comes to being a woman and talking about this subject. Even popular culture can’t seem to make up its mind. Ludacris rapped that he wanted, “A lady on the street, but a freak in the bed.” Um, how do you think most women learn what they do and do not want in the bedroom? Please don’t misunderstand me- I’m not saying we should go around jumping one another all the damn time. Have a little discretion people?!  Whether your number is 1, 10, 33, 74… I’ll ask again, why does it matter?

            There can be a social discussion here, about being the “Selfish generation” and all that. I won’t even go that far. Here’s what I will say- who effing cares? I don’t care how many people my partner has been with. I don’t care if they want to know how many people I have been with. I also don’t care if you judge me for it. If you take care of yourself, and I do as well, then none of that matters. Its all preconceived notions of what sexual experience should be. 

            I don’t regret the people I’ve been with, or the experiences I’ve had. I don’t regret the people I’ve loved, or the people I only thought I loved. They are part of the landscape of my experience. You and I are not defined by just a number, there is so much more to us than that. Ok, I’ve been with a couple of not so choice people. People I’ve stopped and thought, “whoa dude- you know better.” They are my mistakes to bear. I’m not solely defined by that.  Aberrant behaviors happen from time to time. Still- I feel pretty good overall about how I’ve lived my life so far.

So why are we counting again?

***UPDATE- I've already received quite a bit of feedback on this blog post, mostly agreement. I had one friend take it even further. They pointed out that for someone who chooses to wait to have sex, the stigma from their decision is just as bad as someone with a high number.

They went as far as to give me some examples of the things they've heard, "So does that mean you just don't have people interested in you?" "You must be gay or something." "You're putting the dick on a pedestal and expecting too much from a guy." Um...what? To all three of these observations- you can get bent. If someone chooses to wait for their person they should be high-fived, not told there is something wrong with them.

Here's what I find really wrong with the two extremes I've shown here, from lots of partners to none and all- how we go about this subject matter is only for that person to decide. Yes, I wrote this because I did not agree with someone else's opinion. I still respect that person and the way they feel, I just happen to disagree, (I'm also the one who happens to write a blog, so y'all get to hear mostly how I feel). Whenever we try to define an entire person by one act, one decision, one mistake, one failure, one stroke of genius, we are not honoring the whole person, (Please be realistic with my thought process- murder and things of that moral nature are not part of this discussion). Are you really thinking about writing someone off because of a number?