Wanna piss me off? Ask and/or tell me this sh*t.

These aren’t the only things that piss me off, but I can only go for so long on a rant. I’ve been told I don’t seem to get pissed off easily, but here are a few things that give me an eye twitch.

1.    So, what are you? I’m an American. I’m a woman. I’m an android. Ok, not really the last one. Oh- you’re asking me about my ethnic background? That’s a different question entirely. Now you’re shuffling your feet and nervously smiling at me. Now I want to tell you to sod off, but I’ve been taught to be nice and not high kick you in the knee. I answer I’m half black, half white. You sigh in relief because I answered your question. I’ve mentally written you off because you couldn’t find a better way to ask me that.

2.    You’re so exotic- Do I look like a rare bird to you? Maybe something that belongs in a cage? I hate being called exotic. I know you think you’re paying me a compliment. You’re not. I’m not your walk on the wild side, nor your case of jungle fever. You think by pointing out I look nothing like the usual Barbie dolls you date I’ll be flattered. Not flattered. Exceptionally annoyed. Stop doing that.

3.    You’re queer? How many threesomes have you been in? – I already dislike you to such a great extend for going down this road. Just because I’m attracted to both men and women doesn’t mean I want to sleep with everything that moves, and sure as hell doesn’t mean I want to live out your porn fantasy.  There are still certain people I am and am not attracted to, I don’t jump everything that crosses my path. When it comes to threesomes- listen, if you want to get up to those kinds of shenanigans, all power to you. I happen to think that would be far too many limbs being tangled together, would be concerned about what was going where… if you’re catching my drift, I’ve thought a lot about this. It’s a big fat no. No. Again, no.

4.    You’re a massage therapist? How many happy endings… Stop. Just stop. I’ve heard this so many times. You are not funny. Not even kind of funny. No, I won’t make an exception for you. Also, if you asked me this on a date, most likely I will not be hanging out with you again.

5.    Do you dress like that all the time? Yes. Can you just internet stalk me already and answer this question for yourself? I’m not dressing like this to impress you. Be flattered if you get to see me in a dress. Back to my normal attire- I live in workout clothes. Not dressy enough for you? Too bad.

6.    You’re opinionated. - The way you stated that to me, like it was a big surprise… I am an intelligent woman who yes, has formed quite a few opinions. Dear dude, (only dudes take issue with this) just because I didn’t jump to agree with you, since you must only spout golden nuggets of truth- you can get bent. I listened to you carry on about whatever, and then I happened to disagree and had arguments supporting my statement. Just because I have candy colored hair does not mean I am filled with sugary goodness that will cater to your bullshit opinions.

7.    You want kids? I never would have guessed. - Let me get this straight- because I am a small business owner who yes, has a tendency to work a bit too much, you thought I must have ditched the feelings I may have about motherhood? I’m 30, not on my deathbed. Did you ever think my priorities may shift whenever I meet my person, and family would hopefully come after that? I love my work, but I am not married to it. 

8.    What is your opinion on, (insert black or woman’s issue here) – If you’re asking me because you actually value my opinion on this subject, then spiffy. When you ask me as the token women and/or black person you know- that’s obnoxious. What makes you think I want to be the mouthpiece for so many people who may or may not agree with me? Don’t take what I say as gospel, spout it for the world to hear, then turn to me after and let me know not everyone agrees with me. What. The. F***. 

9.    You’re whitewashed- You’re an asshole. Just because I’m not living up to your preconceived stereotypes of how I should be acting, dressing, moving through the world, I’m not living up to being half black?  I don’t like you. Moving on…

10.  Are you this up front all the time? Um, yes. I don’t feel like I need to hide much, (I write a blog I publish publicly on the internet. Seriously.) I’m not going to tell you everything at one sitting, but one of my favorite games is 20 questions. Read between the lines. I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable, I’m also not asking you to divulge your deepest darkest secrets. There just aren’t many questions I’m unwilling to answer.

11.  So I have a girlfriend, but… - Let me stop you there. Gross. I’m not the other woman. Someone already has claimed you, (possibly with the cunning use of flags. Thank you, Eddie Izzard). The sad thing is, this must work for you because you ventured to use it with me. I’m gonna go home and take a shower so I can rinse off your icky cooties now.

So you can make black jokes, but I can’t? – Duh. I also get the nod, and you do not. You can’t have everything, ok? Often times if I make the joke first, it means I’m holding the power. There's nothing worse than the feeling of being singled out because of something like the color of your skin, when you weren't prepared to fight that fight. You can’t catch me off guard or throw me if I set the precedent- also, my jokes are way better than yours. Have you heard the one about the black guy flying the plane?