I thought I needed to marry you

I've noticed a change in my thought process when it comes to my future. Actually getting married is becoming less of a thing. Sure- I've decided to get a dog, and I've also decided I'm ready to have a child without a partner... (so many truths coming out in this post already).

I remember right after my divorce, thinking I never wanted to get married again. Anyone with an ounce of knowledge knows saying never is ridiculous, and it doesn't usually work out in your favor. I stuck to my guns for a long time, until my relationship with you- so what changed?

Can't tell you how many times I've chewed on this, especially since we broke up. It felt like such a needed step. We had begun planning our own nuptials... Ok, begun is a bit of an understatement but here we are... and things ended very abruptly.

Why did I want to get married so badly? I think there was a certain amount of security involved. I think I hoped it would force you to grow up. I think it would force me to choose one life. What horrid reasons to get married. What a shit realization to have. Sonovabitch. When you start to really ask what matters, what things you feel like you really need to do and strive for, just to come to realize marriage isn't really making the list... whoa.

I do want commitment. A partner. Someone who will love and support me. Someone who doesn't expect me to carry the load, and still have the gall to complain about the way I do it. I never want to feel like you married me to keep me as some kind of possession, or I chose to get married so you wouldn't leave.

I thought I needed to marry, even though it's an antiquated social convention we're still taught. Don't even get me started on diamond engagement rings... anyway, my point is in the past I wanted to get married for all the wrong reasons. The reasons pretty much guaranteed to lead to a divorce. I know I loved you, but still. Love really isn't enough. I have zero plans to pull a JLo and get married a million times, so I'm thinking I'm going to put marriage on the back burner.

So much has changed for me, especially in the past few months. It's like I took the blinders off to really see all the things.

I thought I needed to marry you. Turns out it's probably the best thing that I didn't.

"I've never dated someone who made my life better"

I just had a conversation with a good friend about our past relationships. What she said knocked me for a bit of a six. She said,

"I've never dated someone who made my life better."

Of course this made me reflect on my past relationships, and I had to sit down once I'd thought about it. I feel the same way. That might seem harsh, but it's the damn truth. I've loved three times over. Not once did they honestly make my life better.

Fuck. Epiphanies blow sometimes.

I'm not saying there weren't happy times. There were. I cared for these people. I chose them. I have great memories, and I look back on all three mostly with fondness.

None of them brought out the best in me. None of them pushed me to strive for more, or be better. Whenever I improved, it was out of spite, or in hopes they would want to meet me where I was headed. They didn't help me. They didn't lessen the load. If anything, they did things to make it harder- told me how tired I always was, how I was no longer fun, or go on benders when I was trying to study for finals, (these are all real examples sadly).  My favorite is whenever they pointed out I'd gained weight... all women love to hear that, right? Or during my one long distance relationship, having them go silent and not communicate to punish me whenever we had a disagreement. Not manipulative in the slightest...

Every time I did things to make myself better, pursuing my bachelors, later my masters, working for Team USA, starting a business- I was the driving force. All of my achievements were mine alone, and were not because of anything they had done. They never gave me a leg up. Their name never got me through the door. They didn't help me edit my resume, or offer to take over this or that so I could pursue something. I was doing these things to enhance our lives.

I came home and cooked dinners. I still got up and went to work everyday. I carried all the responsibilities, planned... ugh. Thinking about this makes my head hurt. I helped more than one of them complete college courses, I emotionally supported all three. I worked multiple jobs to support them, managed their lives, even filed their taxes.

These people weren't bad people. They just weren't good partners for me. I joke about my picker being broken... maybe that's the case. I've settled again and again for what I thought I deserved, rather than what I do deserve. They were fun, or sweet, or sexy. They had qualities I appreciated, but truly not who I needed.

I know, I know- I don't need anyone. But I want a partner.

Funny thing is, I'm getting tired of it.

I told the same friend recently I'm about to get a dog, and seriously considering starting a family on my own. I'm not joking. Maybe instead of me trying to find someone to "fit", just live.

I guess we'll see what happens next.

push, pull.

I push. You pull away. I ask questions. I stay open.

Over and over. It's the definition of insanity. I never feel good enough, or smart enough or...

I wonder if they'll ever want me the way I want them. Will I ever be enough, enough?

All I have to offer, I still push, they still pull.

I look in the mirror- reflect back all of my flaws. How unwanted I feel. I can't see past myself. My mistakes, my missteps. I can't see the flaw may be in you.

Push. Push. Push.

Why can't I pull? It takes me too long. I have to have nothing left. I still can't. Me offering you space with me, doesn't mean I'm not scared. I'm fucking terrified.

No pull, all push.

I feel so tired, emotionally hung over. Still, I can't hear you anymore. I can't hear any of them anymore.

At some point I can't push anymore. I can't beat myself up anymore. I can't feel for you, when you can't feel for me.

Pull. Pull. Pull.