I thought I needed to marry you

I've noticed a change in my thought process when it comes to my future. Actually getting married is becoming less of a thing. Sure- I've decided to get a dog, and I've also decided I'm ready to have a child without a partner... (so many truths coming out in this post already).

I remember right after my divorce, thinking I never wanted to get married again. Anyone with an ounce of knowledge knows saying never is ridiculous, and it doesn't usually work out in your favor. I stuck to my guns for a long time, until my relationship with you- so what changed?

Can't tell you how many times I've chewed on this, especially since we broke up. It felt like such a needed step. We had begun planning our own nuptials... Ok, begun is a bit of an understatement but here we are... and things ended very abruptly.

Why did I want to get married so badly? I think there was a certain amount of security involved. I think I hoped it would force you to grow up. I think it would force me to choose one life. What horrid reasons to get married. What a shit realization to have. Sonovabitch. When you start to really ask what matters, what things you feel like you really need to do and strive for, just to come to realize marriage isn't really making the list... whoa.

I do want commitment. A partner. Someone who will love and support me. Someone who doesn't expect me to carry the load, and still have the gall to complain about the way I do it. I never want to feel like you married me to keep me as some kind of possession, or I chose to get married so you wouldn't leave.

I thought I needed to marry, even though it's an antiquated social convention we're still taught. Don't even get me started on diamond engagement rings... anyway, my point is in the past I wanted to get married for all the wrong reasons. The reasons pretty much guaranteed to lead to a divorce. I know I loved you, but still. Love really isn't enough. I have zero plans to pull a JLo and get married a million times, so I'm thinking I'm going to put marriage on the back burner.

So much has changed for me, especially in the past few months. It's like I took the blinders off to really see all the things.

I thought I needed to marry you. Turns out it's probably the best thing that I didn't.