"I've never dated someone who made my life better"

I just had a conversation with a good friend about our past relationships. What she said knocked me for a bit of a six. She said,

"I've never dated someone who made my life better."

Of course this made me reflect on my past relationships, and I had to sit down once I'd thought about it. I feel the same way. That might seem harsh, but it's the damn truth. I've loved three times over. Not once did they honestly make my life better.

Fuck. Epiphanies blow sometimes.

I'm not saying there weren't happy times. There were. I cared for these people. I chose them. I have great memories, and I look back on all three mostly with fondness.

None of them brought out the best in me. None of them pushed me to strive for more, or be better. Whenever I improved, it was out of spite, or in hopes they would want to meet me where I was headed. They didn't help me. They didn't lessen the load. If anything, they did things to make it harder- told me how tired I always was, how I was no longer fun, or go on benders when I was trying to study for finals, (these are all real examples sadly).  My favorite is whenever they pointed out I'd gained weight... all women love to hear that, right? Or during my one long distance relationship, having them go silent and not communicate to punish me whenever we had a disagreement. Not manipulative in the slightest...

Every time I did things to make myself better, pursuing my bachelors, later my masters, working for Team USA, starting a business- I was the driving force. All of my achievements were mine alone, and were not because of anything they had done. They never gave me a leg up. Their name never got me through the door. They didn't help me edit my resume, or offer to take over this or that so I could pursue something. I was doing these things to enhance our lives.

I came home and cooked dinners. I still got up and went to work everyday. I carried all the responsibilities, planned... ugh. Thinking about this makes my head hurt. I helped more than one of them complete college courses, I emotionally supported all three. I worked multiple jobs to support them, managed their lives, even filed their taxes.

These people weren't bad people. They just weren't good partners for me. I joke about my picker being broken... maybe that's the case. I've settled again and again for what I thought I deserved, rather than what I do deserve. They were fun, or sweet, or sexy. They had qualities I appreciated, but truly not who I needed.

I know, I know- I don't need anyone. But I want a partner.

Funny thing is, I'm getting tired of it.

I told the same friend recently I'm about to get a dog, and seriously considering starting a family on my own. I'm not joking. Maybe instead of me trying to find someone to "fit", just live.

I guess we'll see what happens next.