pre-conditioning.

I catch myself thanking you for things I possibly shouldn't. Simple acts of kindness, gestures anyone who cares for another person should expect. This doesn't take away from when you take it further, and go beyond. Of course I'm thankful for those moments- far more so.

It's the basic ones that give me pause. It means I've allowed for less.

I have to own my part, I'm not a victim here. It started with a lack of self esteem, self worth. An allowance for less than I've ever deserved.

If I built them up, I'd somehow build up all I was missing in myself.

Now I'm healthier than I was before, and yet- I'm far too surprised by things you do. I'm not sure if I imagine you're taken aback looks at times, or if my mind reshapes the moments.

How many times did I let someone take advantage of what I have to give? How many times did I take far less than I deserved, thinking I should take what I could get?

I deserve the world, and to want to help enhance someone else's.

I have to take the time to remember that, time and time again.

Talk about a simple act of kindness for myself.

re-conditioning.

permission.

Break my heart. I'm giving you permission.

To say the things I fear, the things I hope... maybe even the things I dream.

I don't want to be frightened. I can't live with the idea I didn't take the leap, be open to the risk.


And even though I feel that pain in my chest- the one quickly followed by placing my hand there, to try and soothe what I'm feeling- I know I'm making the right choice.


The let go has happened- even as a type, and the tears stream freely, I just know. I know.


The cataclysmic shift wasn't when I realized I fell in love with you. I only just realized it's because I finally let go. Knowing you can hurt me, and I can hurt you. Knowing if this doesn't work, it isn't because I failed somehow. I've been true.

And so I love you freely.

Even as my breath catches, and I tremble, there's been release.


So go on ahead, break my heart. I'm giving you permission.

olive u.

"Don't say anything."

I just wanted it to sit there, at least for a little while. Selfishly, I needed the weight of my words to hang in the air- for me to hear myself say it. You respected that, only repeating my words back to me for clarity.

I got here without an external push. Without an expectation I should say it back, because someone else said it, rather than allowing for me to get there on my own. I got here my way.

I had an inkling, even a wondering I was feeling this way. Then new years happened, and it all shifted. It really was just that, a shift rather than a thunderclap, or whatever other literary way one would say it. You came into focus, like adjusting a camera lens. Once I felt that, I noticed more and more all of the little things I was appreciating about you- and the ones that drove me batty, but were just as much a part of you. Isn't it defined like that? Wanting all of someone, not just the pretty bits?

Going back to last night- what a jumble of emotion and thought once it was said- a sense of bravery, and terror. Relief and apprehension.

The decompression was real. I don't throw those words around lightly. I don't say them to just anyone, and the important people in my life know... when I say it, I mean it. It's not just a feeling in my stomach, a notion, or infatuation. A proper cry in the shower set me right afterward, as well as rinsed the days make-up off my face. Winning all around.

Now the lesson beaten into my head over and over rears its ugly head- I control nothing but my own actions from here. I can't take the words back, and I don't want to. I understand we react differently, may or may not feel my words are weighted. There very well may not be reciprocity. I finally understand what it must have felt like for everyone else, saying it first. Woof. Frank did say it was a kick in the head...

I also think I understand more than I ever did what these words mean. You are perfectly imperfect. A creature similar me, with a past filled with stories, dings in your armor, successes and failures. You have so much to give, and you've had quite a bit taken. Still working to face forward.

The things I know as I write this- you enhance my happiness, and challenge me. Hold space for me as no one else has, and respect all of my idiosyncrasies. You've cared for me at a time I've never felt more physically insecure, and emotionally confident.

I'm not sure if or when I'll say it again. Trying to go by how it feels. I'm just glad you don't feel the pressure I always did. I'm glad it was you I said it to.

Turns out I still have those rose- glasses from my younger years. Thanks for the reminder.