olive u.

"Don't say anything."

I just wanted it to sit there, at least for a little while. Selfishly, I needed the weight of my words to hang in the air- for me to hear myself say it. You respected that, only repeating my words back to me for clarity.

I got here without an external push. Without an expectation I should say it back, because someone else said it, rather than allowing for me to get there on my own. I got here my way.

I had an inkling, even a wondering I was feeling this way. Then new years happened, and it all shifted. It really was just that, a shift rather than a thunderclap, or whatever other literary way one would say it. You came into focus, like adjusting a camera lens. Once I felt that, I noticed more and more all of the little things I was appreciating about you- and the ones that drove me batty, but were just as much a part of you. Isn't it defined like that? Wanting all of someone, not just the pretty bits?

Going back to last night- what a jumble of emotion and thought once it was said- a sense of bravery, and terror. Relief and apprehension.

The decompression was real. I don't throw those words around lightly. I don't say them to just anyone, and the important people in my life know... when I say it, I mean it. It's not just a feeling in my stomach, a notion, or infatuation. A proper cry in the shower set me right afterward, as well as rinsed the days make-up off my face. Winning all around.

Now the lesson beaten into my head over and over rears its ugly head- I control nothing but my own actions from here. I can't take the words back, and I don't want to. I understand we react differently, may or may not feel my words are weighted. There very well may not be reciprocity. I finally understand what it must have felt like for everyone else, saying it first. Woof. Frank did say it was a kick in the head...

I also think I understand more than I ever did what these words mean. You are perfectly imperfect. A creature similar me, with a past filled with stories, dings in your armor, successes and failures. You have so much to give, and you've had quite a bit taken. Still working to face forward.

The things I know as I write this- you enhance my happiness, and challenge me. Hold space for me as no one else has, and respect all of my idiosyncrasies. You've cared for me at a time I've never felt more physically insecure, and emotionally confident.

I'm not sure if or when I'll say it again. Trying to go by how it feels. I'm just glad you don't feel the pressure I always did. I'm glad it was you I said it to.

Turns out I still have those rose- glasses from my younger years. Thanks for the reminder.