Why she's my game changer

            This isn’t a crazy lesbian love story; so get your head out of the gutter people. I consider this woman one of the loves of my life.

            I met her a few years back, at a bar people hang out at back home. I had one of those total movie moments, when I saw her across the patio and just knew I needed to talk to her. I didn’t leave her side the entire night, even though I was there with friends. I even stole a kiss, (no shame in my game people!). She’s beautiful, intelligent, witty and sarcastic.  I remember thinking I didn’t want to lose touch with her, even though she lived in Santa Cruz, and I lived in San Diego.

            We did lose touch, fell into serious relationships. We didn’t find each other again until those relationships were coming to a close. I was at one of the lowest stages in my life thus far. I was hurt and scared, angry and completely lost. Lucky for me at that point, we became almost inseparable.

            I can’t tell you how comforting it was to wake up next to someone who didn’t judge me when she found me crying, she just rubbed my back and told me she loved me. We badmouthed our exes together, took each other on the dates we were never taken on, had movie marathons, sleep overs, and hit the town together. We could sit in silence, reading or just laying about, and were completely comfortable.

            That’s when it finally hit me. We were two people who got each other. We loved each other for all our flaws, and all we were that was good. I realized this is what love is supposed to be. We made each other better. She’s my realist, my sounding board, my muse. I push her to loosen the reins, be crazy, cry it out. We make each other better versions of ourselves.

            Here’s the funny thing- we don’t agree on everything. I like going out more than she does. She likes taking her dog to the dog park, I loathe the dog park. She can watch marathons of SVU, and I’d rather watch marathons of chick flicks and Disney movies all while singing along. I love the heat, she loves the cold.  I love sports, she considers sporting events like going through water torture. She smokes, I don’t. She has style, I look like a hippie’s worst nightmare, all patterns and colors. We are not a perfect fit. We happen to have lots in common as well. It just works. When it does, it really is easy.

            When I feel lost, she reminds me to dream, and when she gets too into her head, I help pull her out again. She reminds me my fears drive me to be better. I remind her wearing rose-colored glasses to see the world can be liberating. We work, because we care about each other, and we try. We’ve invested in one another emotionally.

            No, we have never been together that way. Don’t get me wrong, I love her to the moon and back, and am very attracted to her. It’s just not what we’re about. She’s the Robin to my Ted, (yes, that’s a HIMYM reference). I could name the reasons we wouldn’t work as a couple, the biggest one being this- I love her as one of my best friends. We won’t cross that threshold because we don’t need to.

            This last Valentine’s Day I played her a song by John Legend called “All of me”. I told her she was the first person I thought of when I heard the lyrics. They start with, “What would I do with out your smart mouth, drawing me in and you kicking me out?... What’s going on in that beautiful mind? I’m on your magical mystery ride.” She really is everything he speaks of in that song to me. She reminded me who I was, and reminded me to be brave. She’s never asked me to be anything other than myself. She’s loved me at my lowest, and my greatest. The best part is I love her the exact same way. When you love someone, the sun rises and sets with them. It’s not perfect, but it doesn’t have to be.

She taught me what loving someone truly was. When I find my person, I’ll get it. That’s why she’s my game changer.

“I’d rather fight with you than make love with anyone else” – The Wedding Date

This lil' life of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

            I’m not sure when it stopped being okay to be ordinary. When it wasn’t ok to live a small and simple life. I live a very small and simple life, and with the billions of people on this earth, the ripple I will make in the history of human kind will be very small.

            I will not win a Nobel Peace Prize. I won’t invent the longer lasting light bulb, write an award-winning novel, and I will never star in a big budget Hollywood film. Here’s the thing- I’m okay with it. I’m happy with the life I am living, and enjoying all the perks that happen to go along with it.

            I don’t think enough people appreciate how amazing the lives we live are. I’m guilty of this from time to time too. I’m guilty of not appreciating the life I lead, where I grew up, who I get to spend my time with. I’ve gone through depressions when I didn’t want to face the world because I thought it was out to get me. I haven’t felt anything people before me haven’t felt. Of course because we are feeling these feelings for the first time, it is an acute experience. How we feel it must be different, right? Not so much, but I like that we still try to find a way to make it our own. Yet it is, because it’s ours, (go on, scratch your head after that one. You're allowed).

            Here is where I’m lucky. I have a spectacular family. They are my foundation. I come from truly fantastic parents, and I have the best brother a broad could ask for. I have so much extended family I really don’t know what to do with all of them. I’m lucky enough to have met the true loves of my life already- my friends. To be loved unconditionally by people you have chosen to have in your life, that’s something everyone should have the pleasure experiencing.

            I have fallen in love more than once. I’ve experienced the greatest addiction anyone can and will experience, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’ve experienced heartbreak as well. The bone crushing withdrawals we feel when we lose someone who became a part of us, and now is a stranger.

            I’ve heard music, gone to the theater, learned how to dance. I’ve stood in the ocean, tasted snow, and failed at something more than once. I’ve dreamed beautiful vivid dreams, and been awoken by horrifying nightmares. I’ve stayed up to watch the sunrise, cuddled with someone as I fell asleep, and experienced loss. I’ve cried so hard I couldn’t stand, and laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants. I’ve been lucky enough to attend college, and graduate. I’ve experienced blind hatred and pain, fear and depression. My father has told me he’s proud of me, and had my mother take care of me when I’m sick.

            There are things I still want to do. I want to travel around the world, own a dog, have children. I want to pursue my doctorate, go to a hockey game, and sky dive. I want to find my person, and hold onto them for the rest of my life.

            I don’t need to conquer the world, or travel the universe. I’m ok with never being popular or famous, and I’m ok with never being rich. I know how to be happy, how to dream, and that fear turns something on inside of me, and pushes me harder than anything or anyone else. I believe there are bigger things happening around me, and I believe god is in the rain. My little life is part of something so much more than myself, so I don’t have to be extraordinary. Kind of a cool thought when you really chew on it.

That all being said, this is all based on what you consider to be ordinary, and extraordinary. Go on, ponder that for a minute.

I’m just a wee little part of our cosmos. I am me.

“Yet what is an ocean, but a multitude of drops?” – David Mitchell Cloud Atlas

Things I'm done apologizing for

1.     My weight- Heaven forbid I’m like most people on the planet, meaning my weight fluctuates and I have… (Gasp!) cellulite. Seriously people, bite me. I’m able to look at myself naked in the mirror for longer than 10 seconds, victory is mine! I lift weights, and I eat like a dick. I refuse to give up my crap foods, but that doesn’t mean I don’t try to balance my diet 80% of the time. Nagging me about when I’ve put on a few extra pounds does nothing but make me want to go straight to the cereal section and grab everything from Froot Loops to fake lucky charms and eat each box full in turn. Want to know why? Because I can! I am not a model, or a Hollywood actress. If I were paid to look a certain way, this would be a different story. Since I’m not, well folks guess that means I’ll continue looking the way I do.

2.     My style- I’ve been shaving at least one side of my head for the past 4 years. My hair has also been ever color of the rainbow, and all different lengths. I still wear my Jacksons tour shirt on a regular basis, could live in a bathing suit, and I think leggings DO qualify as pants. I dress up, dress down, I love onsies, and see no reason why I can’t walk around my own damn house in boy shorts and thigh high socks. I can’t explain why I dress the way I do, I just always have. If you don’t like it, well I guess you’ll just have to suffer because it’s not changing until I feel like it. You’re probably right, there is a high chance I will embarrass my future children. (Shrug) life will go on as well know it.

3.     My sexuality- This isn’t where I give a play by play of my love life. This is where I tell you my love life is none of your concern. Who, when, how, why- none of your business. How I express myself sexually is all mine to decide, how soon, how late, and how many. For all you know, I could be a saint! (I snorted writing that last line. Ah well, can’t even fool myself).

4.     Feeling any other emotion besides happy- I am an ambivert, which seems to make everyone think I am happy all of the time. Guess what people, there are other emotions I exhibit. Crazy, right? Sad, angry, scared, ashamed, nervous, heartbroken… they’re all present and accounted for. Please do me a favor and stop acting like it’s a complete shock whenever I display anything besides smiles and rainbow colored thoughts.

5.     Being a girl- I could sit here and argue gender roles for days, but I won’t. Newsflash- I like dressing up. I’ve recently discovered how fun makeup can be, and am now trying things I never did before, (filling in my eyebrows? Say what?!) I like chick flicks, people who open doors, romantic gestures, and the idea of becoming a mum. I realize this is confusing to some, since I watch sports, hang out with rugby players, curse like a sailor, enjoy yelling and breaking things, and being the alpha. No one ever said I had to make sense.

6.     Having an opinion- I was lucky enough to be raised by two brilliant people, who allowed my brother and I to form our own opinions. Having an opinion means you need to be able to support it, and stand behind it. I don’t necessarily blab my opinion all over the place; I don’t stand on street corners yelling my thoughts for the world to hear, (I just post them on social media… whatever.). My thoughts are mine, and when there is a time and place to share them, I do. I don’t have one for everything, that would be exhausting and I don’t have the energy for that sort of thing. I also don’t mind if people have differing thoughts to my own. I love having debates with some of my best friends during big elections, we don’t agree on a damn thing and yet we always leave feeling listened to and not judged. I think being PC all the time sucks, and sometimes I say things that shock people. Whoops.

7.     Seeing the world through rose-colored glasses- I trust people, I give second chances, and I believe in love. Yes, sometimes I can be naive, so what? Is it really hurting you that I wish my life was a musical, and try to find happiness in all different places? I’m a dreamer, and a believer. There is nothing wrong with believing things can get better, and wanting the best for the people I love. I fantasize about the things I’d like to happen in my life, and then try to really make them happen. Truth be told, there’s usually a song or two playing in my head, the soundtrack to my life. I guess my life is a musical after all.

8.     Who I love- this one is gonna be quick. You don’t like who I like? I guess it’s good we aren’t in a relationship. You can shove it.

9.     Not being white enough or black enough for you- I’m mixed, which means my parents came from different ethnic backgrounds, fell in love, and had me. When you come up to me and try to distinguish how black or white I am, “You don’t talk like…” “You don’t dress like…” “I never would have guessed you were…” “Oh my god, you have freckles!” it royally pisses me off. I also really love when people come up to me and ask what I feel about this famous black athlete being arrested, or this scandal with so and so, because they want to hear a “black” opinion. Dear you, fuck off.  I don’t have to explain a damn thing to you. My experiences have varied, from being called a nigger to my face, to constantly being asked my ethnicity, to being treated differently because of the way I look. I am me. I don’t have to explain any part of myself to you, nor do I have to divvy up my claims by any percentage, clothing choice, or speech pattern. I’ll identify however I want, it happens to be my life.

10. Having high standards- You’re damn right I have high standards! I believe people all have potential, and striving to live up to it is something to be admired. Don’t mistake me, I don’t believe in perfection. Utopia is a pipe dream, and what one person believes may be perfect is not the same for the next. I’ll let you in on a secret- I don’t hold anyone up to standards I don’t expect of myself. I’d like people to rise up and meet me, (sometimes they don’t have to go far, don’t lose your head). I expect myself to always at least try, so I expect others to do the same.

11. Cursing like a sailor- My favorite curse words are two of the harshest in the English language. If you know me well, you know which two. I didn’t grow up cursing, I did hear my mum curse now and again, but I was always punished if I did so as a child. I’m an adult now, so fuck it! I know there is a time and place, thank you captain obvious for pointing that one out. It’s like throwing spice into a conversation. I also disagree it’s a sign of less intelligence. I know some smart people, who curse far worse than I do.

12. My mistakes- I’m human. There are things I’ve done in my past, and I know I can never take them back. I can try to explain them away by age, emotion, whatever. The truth is, I didn’t occur in a vacuum, but they are still all mine. I’m the one who chose to react a certain way, to say a certain thing. There are people I have gone back and apologized to if I thought that’s what needed to be done. I try very hard to put myself in other people’s shoes now, and see how they must have felt. All I can do is ask for forgiveness, and forgive myself. Reliving my mistakes would do nothing but cripple me. I try hard not to remind people of the things they’ve done wrong, so why do it to myself?

13. How I choose to live my life- I’ve never really cared about money, and I went to college for a subject I was passionate about. I live pretty loudly and openly, though there is plenty I don’t share with the likes of you lot. I’ve fallen in love more than once, and I’ve failed terribly when trying new things. Your discomfort with my life is because it isn’t playing out the way you would like it to. Hell, it isn’t playing out the way I’d like it to! But it’s mine. I’m the one who will live and die by my choices.

No Doubt- the lyrics of my love life

            I should start with when I first discovered No Doubt. I was in the Record Alley, a record store in my local mall when I first saw the album. Its bright blue cover, and Gwen posing like a throwback pin up- I knew I had to have it. I took it home that day, and fell in love with every track on the album.

            Little did I know No Doubt would become the sound track of my love life.

            It’s been 18 years since the first time I heard them, and through the years as they added one album after another, I found more lyrics to sing my truths to. They didn’t only sing about love for me, but that’s the subject I’m pursuing here. So here they are, the songs that help describe how I feel when I fall for the world’s greatest addiction- love.

            “New”- Off the Return to Saturn album, is the song I think of every time I discover a new love. The lyrics speak of that rush I get everytime. The burning feeling in the pit of my stomach, and the flutter of my heart in my chest when I realize I’m falling for someone new. “Don’t let it go away, this feeling has got to stay.”

            “Bathwater”- another song off the Return of Saturn album, this song speaks of infatuation. The unhealthy moment when I have longed for something I should not and could not have. The imbalance there can be when I care for someone too much, even when the object of my infatuation has a, “museum of lovers, the precious collection you’ve housed in your covers.” 

            “Don’t Speak” – from the Tragic Kingdom album, this song crystalizes that moment right before the breakup when I know it’s coming to an end, but I dig my heels in anyway. I can feel it, and I can see it, but that doesn’t mean I want to believe it. The heart breaking way Gwen sings the lyric, “You and me- I can see us dying. Are we?” gets me each time I play it.

            “Settle Down”- off the Push and Shove album, this song for me details what it feels like when I’m not sure what the hell is going on in a relationship. When I’m at a loss for what the other person is thinking and feeling, and I sure would love a hint. Maybe two. It talks about how someone, (me) can still feel secure in themself, and have no idea what’s going on in their own relationship. “… you can see it in my eyes, you can read it on my lips- I’m tryin’ to get a hold on this.”

            “Sunday Morning” track nine off the Tragic Kingdom album, is the tale of a lover who was brutally burned, recounting how it felt to be broken up with, and what it feels like to stand on the other side of that with a little bit of access anger. Great track to turn up in the car and sing at the top of my lungs when I’m still in the angry stage of the after break up. Best lines are the bridge, “Thank you for turning on the lights. Thank you, now you’re the parasite. I didn’t think you had it in you? Now you’re looking like I used to.” There really is no better revenge then seeing a former lover standing in the same place you were.

            “Simple Kind of Life” a track off the return of Saturn album, about the dream life Gwen wishes she had. She tells a tale of all the things she wants, and still at the time did not have. “All I wanted was the simple things, a simple kind of life.” She details the things she felt she was missing, including, “I always thought I’d be a mom. Sometimes I wish for a mistake.” I would be lying if I said I haven’t had all the same feelings Gwen had. Hopefully one day I get all the things I dream of, just like she did.

            “Ex-girlfriend” Return of Saturn- details the feelings felt by a woman scorned, by her now ex-boyfriend. “ I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend. I hope I hold a special place with the best of them. It makes me feel sick to be on that list, but I should have thought of that before we kissed.” Ah, regret. I can think of a very specific relationship when I felt this way. Gwen’s anger and frustration with herself bleeds through each word, the same way mine did every time I sung along with her.

            “Magic’s in the Makeup”- Return of Saturn- “ Can you tell I’m faking it? But I want to be myself. A counterfeit disposition, can’t be good for my health.” A song all about hiding behind a façade of her, and in fact my own making. What we project into the world is what we want people to see, just like applying make up hides what we really look like. “If you bore me than I’m comfortable. If you interest me, I’m scared.” So true for me. Heaven forbid I really like you. Nothing like trying to protect ourselves from heartbreak.

            “Running”- Rock Steady- Love isn’t all rainbows and unicorn kisses. The ups and downs are what make love real, and gives it depth when you really fight for it. Gwen sings to her lover, asking them to reassure her that their love will last. During the trials of any relationship, it’s good to remember what brought the two of you together in the first place, and to remind you of what you’re fighting for. “Be. Be the one I need. Be the one I trust most. Don’t stop inspiring me.”

           

            “Underneath it all” -Rock Steady- I really love this song, because it talks about how the one we love isn’t perfect, but underneath all the b.s. they are the person we love the most. “There’s times when I want something more, someone more like me. Sometimes this dress rehearsal seems incomplete, but – you see the colors in me like no one else.” Appreciating what you have can be difficult, but trying to look at the person you love and not wring their neck for all their faults, is something we should all try to do. Especially because using temporary insanity as a defense doesn’t work that often in court.

BONUS ROUND

            “Cool” -Love. Angel. Music. Baby. -A song all about how we can go through a bad break up, and hopefully years later reunite with a loved one and realize you can be happy for one another. I’ve been lucky enough to have this happen more than once. “We have changed but we’re still the same. After all that we’ve been through, I know we’re cool.”

            “4 in the morning” –The sweet Escape- the moment you realize you’ve fallen so deeply for someone, that you’ve lost the power- and you’re ok with it. You want someone so completely, you’re not afraid to voice it. Gwen repeats one chorus after the other begging her beloved to give her everything. “Cause I wanna have a really true love, don’t ever want to have to go and give you up.”

            “Early Winter” -The Sweet Escape- for me this song talks about knowing it’s all coming to a head. Heartbreak is on the horizon, and how it feels looking it in the face. I know every woman has felt this, “Why? Why do you act so stupid? You know I’m always right.” The heart wrenching way she sings this one really hurts.  Betrayal and anger wrapped into one song. “My heart had a crash when we spoke. I can’t fix what you broke.”

            Lyrics have always been as important to me as the strumming of the guitar, and the plucking of the base. I’m one of those people who loves to hear the story behind a song, and if the song speaks to me, make it all my own. Thanks No Doubt for being part of the soundtrack of my life.