Running out of breath, to remind myself to breathe.

My ribs still hurt. So do my hands from clenching them. I hold my breath, to compensate for the fact my breathing and heart rate speed up. Makes no sense, since I feel like I can't breathe. It starts with a buzzing, static- like on an old tv when you were trying to tune it. I know why they use the word panic to start, because you are. Panicking.

I knew that day one was coming. They also seem to manifest in front of people I don't want to see them. Stupid fucking body. Should have stayed home that day.

It's like an emotional let down, or really overload? I'm carrying too much. I'm tired. Wrung out. My body is telling me I'm really not in control of a damn thing, and here's the proof. Maybe if I asked for help...

So of course, I chase that. Lack of control. How no matter what I plan, learn, love, work- I can only control the controllable. The things within my scope, my edge. 

I swear these moments- my overloaded system, my lack of forcing things to be the way I want, it's a bigger reminder. Niki, you don't know shit. Really, that's okay. Things will happen as they should, there are so many more factors than the way I want things to go. 

And it's all turned out the way it was supposed to. I run out of breath, to remind myself to breathe. I dream, to push the limits of my imagination. I learn to understand more. I love to push the capacities of my heart. 

Maybe it is weakness, the panic attacks. Maybe not. Maybe they manifest in moments I wish they didn't, to humble the shit out of me. 

I'll keep running out of breath, to remind myself to breathe.

the wrong kind of selfish.

I know things don't occur in a vacuum. I know this, and yet... Seriously Niki- it's not all about you. So why do I take it all on me?

When I haven't got the job, or lose friendships. When relationships don't work out, or whatever. My first instinct is the mentally eviscerate myself. What could I have done better? What can I fix? What do I need to do so this doesn't happen again?

Yea dude, that isn't how it works. Sometimes shit doesn't work out. And though I can learn from each instance, I need to stop making it all about me. There's nothing wrong with taking a self inventory, but I take it to a whole other level. Maybe I didn't fit the parameters of the job. Maybe those friends needed or wanted something I couldn't offer, the same with relationships. It's not for me to say. So why can't I stay in my lane? Why do I take on full responsibility for others? They aren't doing the same for me. They aren't.

The things I've tried and failed at can't all be put at my feet. I'm not even sure when I started operating this way. It's especially bad in my relationships. If I give them my best, they'll have to do the same right? Wrong. I didn't fail them. I didn't fail myself. They chose, and I can't control what they've done with what I had to offer.

I write this, full well knowing I will have to give myself this speech over and over again. Maybe that's why I'm writing it in the first place. It's not my fault. I am not unlovable. I'm smarter than I think. I am fully capable. I am more than worthy. When one of these situations I've highlighted or others don't seemingly go my way- it is not my fault. This isn't even about fault.

I know if I'm prepared, I know if I'm open. I know if I put my best foot forward. That's all I can do. It's all I can offer. It's more than enough. So I need to check my ego at the door, shake it off, and try again.

Past twitterpatted.

“You like because, and you love despite. You like someone because of all of their qualities, and you love someone despite some of their qualities..."- The Set Up

Twitterpatted. Maybe you don't know what that is. It's when you're head over heels, in the honeymoon phase, googly-eyed over someone. You don't see anything but the good, you start to exhibit aberrant behaviors... you're in.

Then the dust settles a bit. You were "normal" people before meeting one another. You had other priorities before they came onto the scene. So the pendulum swings again.

Now you start to get into the meat of the person. What are their dreams? How do they see things? Will they enhance your happiness, or drain from it?

I have to be a little more aware. I know this about myself. I will always see the potential in people. Let me say that again- I will ALWAYS see the potential in people. I don't just see the good, I see who they can be. Not just my dream version. I have to remember it's okay to encourage, but not to do for them. I can aid them in things, but not problem solve. Funnily enough, I don't ever expect them to reciprocate these things.

Falling is easy. Staying is hard. We've all heard relationships are work, but do we really get it? Even the best of them- the ones when you see your equal and your likeness in them, those are hard work.

All you can do is hope. Hope they choose you everyday the way you choose them. They create space for you, make you a priority. Don't categorize you as a stressful something, rather as someone they want around even on the bad days.

Someone who doesn't just tell you you are special, but understands it. Doesn't abuse what you have to offer. And all of this vice versa. You have to get it too.

Maybe you fall in love. Maybe not. Maybe you build a future. Maybe you don't. It's the remembering not to settle. Not to settle for less than you deserve.

Once you're past twitterpatted, and they still work to meet your love languages. They aren't confused about you, they know. They're open to the possibility... of something. They won't take you for granted.

There's so much magic, heartbreak, and love beyond twitterpatted. When you're ready to let go.

insecurity.

in·se·cu·ri·ty

/ˌinsəˈkyo͝orədē/

noun

1. 1.

   uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.

"But you seem so confident?" I hear it often, actually.

The voice in my head laughs. There are dual sides to everything, isn't there?

I have never felt smart enough. It's why I always study, always read. I'm voracious for information, because if I don't constantly seek knowledge, then the truth will come out. I don't know anything. I am not smart. Everyone will know.

I vacillate between feeling beautiful. The older I get, the more comfortable I am proclaiming it. But it took so long. So long. Once I embraced my skin, the texture of my hair, how much I didn't look like everyone else... Even so, I never feel more beautiful than when my person tells me so. Funny, that.

I don't feel deserving. Of a happy ending. Of my dreams. If was all up to hard work, I would have had several perfect storylines. That is not the case. If it came down to gumption, well goddamn. I wouldn't be writing this. With every twist of the tale, with every unexpected drop in my stomach, I wonder if I will get it.

Then my duality kicks in again. Sometimes the switch flips several times a day. Sometimes swathes of time go by.

So am I insecure? Of course I am. Less often than before, to be sure. That being said, how much sweeter the days I don't feel it at all.

fresh lens.

Look at it through a fresh lens.

You repeat this to yourself over and over. They are different than the rest. Not perfect. Different.

But they inadvertently use the same words, the same phrases. You mentally knee jerk in response.

They aren't the same. This isn't the same.

Remind yourself of the differences. For starters- you are different. You aren't the sixteen year old girl. The twenty-six year old. The thirty-year old. You aren't the in between.

This is the most current and authentic version of you. You've attracted something different. You've chosen differently.

Just because they... that was them. Leave it there.

Look at it through a fresh lens.

beautiful creatures.

Someone asked me recently why I put people before all the rest. Why people are so important to me.

I know I can go it alone. I have. I know I can do, and think, and feel, and experience without companionship.

It's when you invest in them, in people. When you see them for their potential, when you choose to trust in the beautiful creatures they are... jobs come and go. Really everything does. People are here for such a finite amount of time. I just can't imagine the waste of time and effort to put anything but people first.

I get it. I know what I must sound like. So naive. Maybe so.

I have a friend who said to me, "To see it all through your eyes. The way you see the world- through your rose colored glasses. It's a gift. Even more so, you haven't let anyone take that from you."

So I trust. I open up. To a select few. I allow these people to become important to me. More often than not, the choice bears fruit. I chose wisely.

Funnily enough, it's the times I choose poorly that almost ruins it for the rest. I forget about the beauty, the potential. I forget how brilliant and lucky I am to meet people so different or even similar to me.

I lost the trust. I was hurt. I feel hoodwinked and foolish. I come down the hardest on myself for allowing them in. If only I guarded better...

The pendulum always swings and rights itself. I can't operate in those extremes. I don't know how to stop myself from caring, from being a giver. I don't know how to not live within my usual state. To not be me.

I'll keep choosing, then trusting. The ones who came before can't ruin it for the rest.

space.

It's so fascinating to me, how quickly we create space. Space between bodies. Between minds.

Someone who maybe was so important to you, is all of the sudden no longer part of your normalcy. Years, months, days worth of learned habits abandoned. Cataloged into memory, rather than staying present.

I'm always left wondering- what if we'd known? What if we'd known that was the end, would we act any differently? Would you hold one another a bit longer, kiss them differently?

It strikes me even more how quickly we forget. The tenor of their voice, the feel of their touch. We might smell or see something that reminds us of them but otherwise... then the fade out.

People become past chapters, the let go becomes our reality. Maybe you see them again, maybe not. What then? Pride often steps in to remind you of why you got there, not allowing you to bridge the space between you.

So you keep it. The space. You rewrite the narrative in a way your brain can process. You move forward.

Then there is truly nothing but space. At least, that's one way it could play out.

Maybe the space is closed again. You'd hope for that, wouldn't you?