the wrong kind of selfish.

I know things don't occur in a vacuum. I know this, and yet... Seriously Niki- it's not all about you. So why do I take it all on me?

When I haven't got the job, or lose friendships. When relationships don't work out, or whatever. My first instinct is the mentally eviscerate myself. What could I have done better? What can I fix? What do I need to do so this doesn't happen again?

Yea dude, that isn't how it works. Sometimes shit doesn't work out. And though I can learn from each instance, I need to stop making it all about me. There's nothing wrong with taking a self inventory, but I take it to a whole other level. Maybe I didn't fit the parameters of the job. Maybe those friends needed or wanted something I couldn't offer, the same with relationships. It's not for me to say. So why can't I stay in my lane? Why do I take on full responsibility for others? They aren't doing the same for me. They aren't.

The things I've tried and failed at can't all be put at my feet. I'm not even sure when I started operating this way. It's especially bad in my relationships. If I give them my best, they'll have to do the same right? Wrong. I didn't fail them. I didn't fail myself. They chose, and I can't control what they've done with what I had to offer.

I write this, full well knowing I will have to give myself this speech over and over again. Maybe that's why I'm writing it in the first place. It's not my fault. I am not unlovable. I'm smarter than I think. I am fully capable. I am more than worthy. When one of these situations I've highlighted or others don't seemingly go my way- it is not my fault. This isn't even about fault.

I know if I'm prepared, I know if I'm open. I know if I put my best foot forward. That's all I can do. It's all I can offer. It's more than enough. So I need to check my ego at the door, shake it off, and try again.