insecurity.

in·se·cu·ri·ty

/ˌinsəˈkyo͝orədē/

noun

1. 1.

   uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.

"But you seem so confident?" I hear it often, actually.

The voice in my head laughs. There are dual sides to everything, isn't there?

I have never felt smart enough. It's why I always study, always read. I'm voracious for information, because if I don't constantly seek knowledge, then the truth will come out. I don't know anything. I am not smart. Everyone will know.

I vacillate between feeling beautiful. The older I get, the more comfortable I am proclaiming it. But it took so long. So long. Once I embraced my skin, the texture of my hair, how much I didn't look like everyone else... Even so, I never feel more beautiful than when my person tells me so. Funny, that.

I don't feel deserving. Of a happy ending. Of my dreams. If was all up to hard work, I would have had several perfect storylines. That is not the case. If it came down to gumption, well goddamn. I wouldn't be writing this. With every twist of the tale, with every unexpected drop in my stomach, I wonder if I will get it.

Then my duality kicks in again. Sometimes the switch flips several times a day. Sometimes swathes of time go by.

So am I insecure? Of course I am. Less often than before, to be sure. That being said, how much sweeter the days I don't feel it at all.