Chapter 4.

"... in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you are behaving like the best friend." - The Holiday 

"live, Live, LIVE! Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starvin' to death!"
 - Auntie Mame

At the beginning of this year my most current relationship ended. Almost four years of investing and getting to know someone is now being put on a shelf. Habits are being forgotten, memories are fading. Dreams and plans built and made with them no longer hold any value, or priority. I'm starting over. Ok, this was my third rodeo. So much for third time being a charm.

Unlike all the TV shows we watch and love, we did not remain friends. I've never been someone who could do that- casually hang with them as if it wasn't earth shattering for us to break apart. To be fair, I never had to keep the kind of ties I had to with my last. Shared friend groups and interests, a common work space, hell- the same damn town, or all over my effing social media...ah well. I don't wish them any ill will. I'm just no longer invested. A protective mechanism, surely. All or nothing. I'm choosing nothing.

So I threw the book out I'd written for myself up to this point. I decided to tear myself down to the studs, and in my thirty-forth year of living decided I needed to be better. Better to myself first and foremost, which would in turn make me better for the people in my life. I've been so good at giving myself away for so long, often times to those who proved themselves unworthy of all I have to give. Also- what the hell did I want out of this life?

I'm not perfect, but I'm fucking awesome. It's taken a long time for me to be okay with saying that out loud. If you try to tell me I am, I'm still gonna get awkward and immediately tell you you're full of shit. I'm working on that bit. I'm well aware of my insecurities when it comes to my looks and smarts, my worth and place in this world- I need not to give the power away to others. Allow them to use the same insecurities I've shared with them against me, or my giving nature, or my want to help. I know I'll give you everything- can you do me a solid and not take full advantage?

Step 1- therapy. I don't think the poor woman was ready to be verbally thrown up on, but there ya go. She got an earful on a weekly basis, and helped me start to find the patterns. How I felt I needed to prove my value through acts of service to the people I love. By taking care of them, and by take care of them I mean DO ALL THE THINGS- I showed they were important to me. What I didn't take into consideration was how much of myself was lost in the process. I gave myself away at the expense of sleep, time. I fed into my most anxious patterns, and by spreading myself too thin, also fed into all of my fears. If I was better, I could balance it all. If I was worthy, they would want to give back to me. If I was valued, they would tell me, show me.

*Message* When you set the bar so fucking low for people, they aren't gonna rise to the occasion. I'm not knocking the good people in my life, past and present. They know who they are, and know I'm not referencing them in this narrative.

Step 2- Do my own shit. I went to my first opera, and my first ballet. I bought Groupons to learn to scuba dive, and dance lessons. I started volunteering. Bought a last minute plane ticket to Kauai and spent a lovely weekend surrounded by scantily clad professional and semi professional beach volleyball players, all while being very much intoxicated, (which is not a normal state of being for me). I threw myself out of a perfectly good airplane. I drank wine and ate cheese in bed. Netflix binged like there was no tomorrow, and started taking entire days off to read. Went to the beach, dinner, or the movies by myself, spent time to reconnect with everyone I'd hidden away from for so long. Good damn people who missed me, and hadn't taken me for granted.

Step 3- Open up. My initial foray into this was awkward. You see, I open up between relationships, then close off in them. Ugh. My friends and family aren't used to hearing all my thoughts and feelings. One friend told me she used to learn months later if I was depressed, or dating, or really anything because I was so damn good at keeping it to myself. Which is funny, because as I kid I had no poker face to speak of. Didn't hide a damn thought or feeling. All of the sudden they heard it all. I'll give it to them, I feel like all my people handled it swimmingly. On the good and bad days, they just listened. They didn't make me feel bad for the petty moments, or the sad ones. They championed the successes and the changes. I'm so lucky, and I know it.

Step 4- Establish what I want. My therapist looked at me one day and asked what I really wanted. I immediately blurted out a great partner and kids. I want a giver, not a taker. She asked about my professional life. I told her I've been very successful- I realize I've done and seen a lot of things people haven't. My bumbling working style led me into some amazing opportunities, and jobs. I've been all over the damn place. That all being said- the money, the acknowledgement, the shine of the jobs had lost their luster. Who gave a shit what I did day to day? I wanted the people to matter. I didn't want to be defined by what I do any longer.

Step 5- Tip toe into dating. One could argue timelines. Too soon? Too whatever. Fuck you. I tried a couple of dating apps... what a great way to scare the high holy hell out of myself. THIS IS WHAT'S OUT THERE?! I'M DOOMED!

Went on a couple of hilarious dates, went home and immediately thought I could just find a sperm donor, buy a dog, and call it a day... was about to erase the last one because screw it I could make a stylish spinster...

I'm dating someone now... (they had me at tacos).

Step 6- Slow my roll. I say that because I have a tendency to get a little ahead of myself, (hello understatement of the century). My business is doing great, my friendships are thriving, my family is just the best, I have my own routines, and I've met someone I really like. Nope- I have absolutely no idea how any of it is gonna go, especially the dating. I'm already learning a lot there though- they have their own shit, I have my own shit. I can't fix anything for them, I can only be present and listen... it's like my super power has been stolen. What do you mean you don't need anything from me? You just want to hang out because you enjoy my company, and for whatever reason find my crazy attractive?! Stfu.

Step 7. Don't get lost again. I've established healthy boundaries, and already called myself out a couple of times when I tried to erase them. I've asked for help- from the people closest to me, so I don't make the same mistakes. Don't borrow trouble, because really there's no damn point. Worry does nothing but make you suffer twice. Easier said than done, but I think very achievable.

I am my own leading lady, and I'm gonna fuckin' live. Maybe not the way I thought before. Let's be serious- pretty much 100% of the time the way things have turned out were far better than what I planned anyway.