my favorite mistake

I'd never felt the way I did with you. You lavished me with attention, you made me feel like I was the only person you ever wanted to be around. It was so intoxicating, it felt so fulfilling. You wanted us to do everything together. Move in together. Be with one another always. I started to bend, to fold myself around you. I didn't realize how quickly I was getting lost.

There are the good memories, the exotic places we'd go, the shine around you. It didn't matter I had been around the same shine for years, I'd always been a step apart. I let it all wash over me, I let it all matter. I let it be more important than me and all I was doing. I was sinking, and couldn't even feel it.

I'd start to notice, on your long trips away. That's when I would call my friends, I would spend time with just myself. My anxieties would ebb away, I would plan... and then you would come back, and I would forget. I let you make me feel guilty for wanting to be with anyone but you. I was so infatuated. I loved you, and wanted only you. All the cliches they say about love are so true.

Time would pass, and I would put my head down and plan. If I looked to the future, I didn't see the cracks in the present. I'd get lost again and again in your smiles, your words, your touch. I kept allowing for myself to chip away. My dreams, my wants. I'd fight to remember, I felt torn, in a constant heightened state. I attributed it to my anxieties going into overdrive, I was borrowing too much trouble. It was a phase, and it would pass.

I worked so hard to make your dreams my dreams, your priorities mine. I'd wake up thinking about what you needed done that day rather than what I needed done. We lived in a microcosm- so small, the outside world didn't even penetrate.

So much neglect there. I was splitting myself in two, carrying the burden of your work and mine. If I carried the load for you and me, somehow I would prove myself worth of... what? What were you giving me? I know you loved me, but love isn't enough. Where was this love? I couldn't see it. I couldn't feel it. It was all words.

I turned further and further inward, my self worth tied to you, to your triumphs rather than my own. You monopolized my thoughts in a way no one had before. I kept telling myself this was what it was supposed to be like. Then why was I so uneasy? So...off?

 Always off, wrong-footed by a constant gut feeling. I didn't pay attention. I pushed it away. The things that were good were so good. The things that were bad were... easily ignored. Constantly ignored. You felt it too, I know you did. You started to tell me what I wanted to hear, rather than what you wanted to do. You began to avoid certain subjects, I felt you pull away...

I was still so blindsided by the end. From picking colors of dresses to... nothing. Looking back, I shouldn't have been. It was all there- written so plainly. I gave you the very best of me, and left the scraps for myself. I allowed for so much turmoil, pain, heartache. All for the possibility of my dream, not even a fair shake. No guarantees.

Now I know- the things I wanted are out there. I want honesty. I want my dreams to be as important as theirs. I never want to feel less than, or because my dreams are small and simple, they are somehow not as important. I never needed glory, I never wanted to be a household name. I just want a good life, with all the twists and turns that come with it.

I think you were my last big learning curve. The last big push for me to realize I am as significant, as talented, as deserving. I can face who comes next with an open heart and mind, knowing I can say what I think and feel, and I know what I want out of this life.

You are my favorite mistake.