The darker moments

Sometimes it's just a bad damn day. Sometimes it's much longer. I never know when it's coming- I can never really prepare. It starts slow- my thoughts start to get a little cloudy. I can't remember the little things, like why I walked across a room. Then it blossoms into something bigger. I forget to eat. I don't want to get out of bed. Apathetic to all things, even my anxieties can't break through.

But no one knows me this way, they only know my smiles and jokes. A facade developed over years. Practice makes perfect, you know. When I give someone a glimpse, when I tell them maybe that day is a particularly hard day, the reactions are always the same- they suggest I focus on all I have going for me. I don't have a right to be unhappy when... fill in with all their thoughts and suggestions. Now not only am I feeling lost, I also feel guilty for feeling this way in the first place.

That's when the days get darker. I lose track of large swaths of time. Working through habit, coming awake to realize it's the end of the day, and I'm laying in bed. I don't remember getting there.

If a moment of clarity happens, I wonder if anyone has even noticed? I'm so known for doing things on my own, for going by my own drumbeat- have they noticed my real absence? This isn't attention seeking, but can they see me?

 It's not their job. Don't ask for help. You got yourself here. Dig out. But I keep slipping back. I can't find a foothold, I don't want to try anymore. What if I just let go? No one noticed my absence at this point. It won't hurt anyone. It's just me. My blinders are firmly affixed.

Just when I think I can't... I laugh that day. Or I call someone and had them tell me about their day- awash with someone else's thoughts and feelings. I almost can't hear mine. Then it becomes like a badly tuned radio, going in and out. Then the feeling you get when you lay face up in a boat, and it rocks you back and forth. Good to bad. Good to bad. I don't wake up crying, I don't sit in the shower for who knows how long- just letting the water hit my back. I got up.

Sometimes it's just a day, a moment, a thought. Sometimes so much longer. I've always sought the light- I've always been lucky enough to find it again. Still, I hide this part of me. I feel so broken. Who wants to play with something fractured, so imperfect?

So I hide it again. Keep smiling, don't tell anyone. They won't have noticed anyway. Or they'll tell me to keep my chin up- there's so much to live for.

I know. Doesn't mean I can't honor these shitty moments in time either. They're mine too- the darker moments.