A newer version of me.

A little over six months ago my world was turned on its ear. From there, heartbreak and growth, sacrifice and understanding. In the place of so many unhealthy things, grow the buds of the new, the better for me, and so much happiness.

What I'm finding most difficult now is navigating my interactions with those around me. People have always joked there isn't a thought or feeling I'm unwilling to share. This isn't entirely true. I share what I want, when I want. I'm incredibly clear about some things, and exceedingly private about others. With all of the change this year, a new resolve has flourished.

To love me first.

Even in writing this, I slightly cringe. We're taught by society and beyond to love yourself is to be selfish- to put yourself first, to be aware of your needs before another is not attractive, unwanted, undesirable.

I'm planning to sacrifice this in the coming year by beginning to try and become a mum. When that happens, I'll no longer be first in line. So why wouldn't I take this time to dig deep, to fall in love with me in a way I never have? The little person I hope comes along will fully rely on me, and not in the ways people have before.

I've always been dependable, someone who shows up, someone who can be relied on. Never really for myself. My friends joke about the change. I've become more busy socially, harder to nail down for a casual hang out or two. To those I give more to, it's harder still. I can't be the one who always shows up. Not yet. I've got to learn how in showing up for them, I won't break. How to not allow to be drained so much, there's nothing left for me afterwards. To continue to actively listen, but to choose my priorities wisely. I'm not blind- I can see the ripples of my choices.

In many ways, not including the above mentioned lack of time, I'm still that person. My friends are good enough to tell me I'm no longer failing on my end of our friendships. Since my priorities have shifted, they feel my presence again. In talking to a friend about these changes, she tells me as transparent and honest I am, this can be difficult for others. "People have a difficult time with your honesty. They want to believe they can influence you otherwise."

I try to give as much as I can, but I am not perfect. It's not just my stubbornness. It's not just a reaction or a pendulum swing from the last. These are easy and fast excuses. I am an imperfect person, who in seeking making myself whole, can't always be what others need of me. Though parts of me want to, the rest knows better.

There's seeking balance, there's seeking awareness and more. There's peace of mind in knowing I am becoming a better version of myself with time. I'm told regularly of how happy I look, compared to the past. I plan to lean into that, to hold space for myself, to be better.

Still dented, but shinier.