Forgiving myself.

It's a struggle to look in the mirror sometimes. I'm far from perfect, sometimes I feel pretty, smart, all the things- often times I don't. I have a go at myself on a regular basis, about all those same things. I know I was struggling to look in the mirror more often than not when I was with you. 

What I need to forgive is allowing you to have so much power over me. I allowed you to think my love was less than, not as deserving. If I didn't tell you about my sacrifices, if I balanced the world for the both of us. If I tried to keep my anxieties in check, if I put your needs before mine. If I shifted my dreams to accommodate for yours...you would just know. You would know how much I loved you. You would somehow know to reciprocate. You would know all I did, and what I would have done. And you would love me back. 

What ridiculous expectations. Truly. I shouldn't have expected you to read my mind. I also shouldn't have expected you to know what I did at any given moment. I shouldn't have ignored when my body told me time and time again something was wrong. 

I need to forgive doubting my worth. Doubting my abilities. Doubting what I deserved. Forgiving myself means not blaming you- not blaming me. Not looking back at us still love blind, but with deeper understanding. Believing you were what I needed at the time, to learn from- good and bad.

I need to stop punishing myself for loving you. It wasn't a waste of time. I mean, still this close to it, it wasn't ideal... ah but I could chase the rabbit on that one for days. I don't want to chase the rabbit about you anymore. 

I want to remember what I deserve, and not become lost ever again. I want to remember I am all of the good things wrapped with the bad. I'm human. I'm allowed to doubt, just as much as I'm allowed to leap. 

I'm allowed to forgive, but not forget.