100 little things...

            We all have so many things pulling us every which way in life. Some of us are making hundreds of decisions a day and because of the hustle and bustle, we forget about the little things. I wanted to make a list of the wee bits that make me happy, so on those rough days I feel like I’ve completely lost it, I can be reminded of the tidbits. They’re in no particular order, just free flowing over here.

1.     The smell of creosote in the rain

2.     Choosing a new hair color

3.     Getting snail mail

4.     Starfishing a bed

5.     The smell of library books

6.     Hearing someone say “I love you”

7.     Finding new song lyrics to fall in love with

8.     Re-reading a good book

9.     Spending entire days in skivvies and thigh high socks

10. Waking up with fantastic bed-head

11. When the lights dim in the movie theater, right before the film starts

12. Solo road trips

13. Sitting alone on the beach, listening to the ocean

14. Buying a box of milk duds

15. Movie marathons

16. Singing while doing household chores

17. Eating cracker jacks at a baseball game

18. The first drop in my stomach on a roller coaster

19. Getting a full eight hours of sleep

20. Cuddling with my dogs

21. Hearing my nieces and nephews tell me they miss me

22. Finding new stamps for my mail

23. Getting an unexpected text from someone

24. Making my parents smile

25. That moment after I realize I was afraid of _________ for nothing

26. Butterflies in my stomach

27. Finding a new pair of leggings

28. Sunbathing

29. Feather touches on my back

30. Catching up with one of my girlies

31. Solo dance parties

32. Meeting someone new

33. Pictures

34. Feeling the sun on my face

35. Walking barefoot on spongy grass

36. The first sip of a good soda

37. Duets in the car with mi padre

38. Feeling the thread counts of sheets

39. Catching someone looking at me

40. Snorting with laughter

41. Popping the cork on a bottle of champagne

42. Having someone play with my hair

43. Sitting on my parents couch

44. Ordering a Neapolitan shake from In-N-Out

45. Listening to foreign accents

46. Making a Darth Vader voice by talking into a fan

47. Quoting my favorite movies

48. Finding a new author to read

49. Savoring the first bite

50. Realizing someone missed me

51. The first kiss

52. Seeing wildflowers after the rain season back home

53. Eating cookie dough with a spoon

54. Getting “the look” from my person

55. Those few minutes in the morning, when I still remember my dreams

56. Finishing one of my art projects

57. Making a good playlist

58. When I realize someone is actually flirting with me (I’m a bit dense)

59. Burrowing under the covers

60. Walking through the archways into Disneyland

61. Running my fingers across piano keys

62. Seeing men in tailored suits

63. Finding “the dress” for an occasion

64. Discovering girly things I never knew I’d like

65. Listening to an Orchestra tune up

66. Realizing someone is as dorky as I am

67. The smell of coffee

68. Chalking up during a lifting session

69. Drive-In movie theaters

70. Hole in the wall bars

71. Listening to thunder

72. Looking for constellations

73. Playing twenty questions with someone new

74. Rare occasions, when I get to dress up

75. Learning about a sport that’s new to me

76. Lazing about with family

77. Fresh cut flowers

78. Soft throw blankets

79. Wearing my knit cap

80.  Writing

81. Finding funky pieces of furniture

82. Using my kitchen aid mixer

83. The window seat on a plane

84. The sounds a typewriter makes when you strike the keys

85. Wearing men’s jumpers

86. Reading the Sunday comics

87. Yelling off rooftops

88. Bendy straws

89. Being transported by a soundtrack

90. Birthdays

91. Taking baths

92. Printed fabric

93. Good conversation

94. Vanilla flavored cigars

95. Rainbow sherbet

96. Onsies

97. Love notes

98. Board games

99. Doing “The wave” at football games

100.                Making someone laugh

Too strong for my own good, or so I'm told.

            “If you softened yourself a bit, you’d have someone already.” “Men find you emasculating.” “You have such a strong personality, most people find it difficult.” So let me get this straight- it’s all on me to change, or I’ll never find “my person”? Whaaaaaaaaat? I’m rolling up my sleeves for a proper rant people, starting with-

            How sexist this entire thought process is. A guy friend listed all the things about me that were a “double- edged sword” in his opinion,

-       Not needing a someone

-       Owning my own business

-       Strong, outgoing personality

-        Making my own way, (pretty much across the board)

-       Not caring what people think of me

            If any of these things were attributed to a man, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. The fact that I’m a woman who has “masculine” traits means these things are pointed out to me on a very regular basis. I can’t believe I need to address any of these, but I’m going to anyway.

            Not needing someone- It’s true, I don’t need someone. I want someone. I feel like this is something people constantly confuse. I could go through this life on my own and live a very fulfilling and happy life. I don’t want it to go that way, but it could. I’d love to go through it all with someone. I’ve been in love more than once, and in committed relationships for most of my adult life. They didn’t work out for one reason or another, but it was okay, because this was during my twenties. Now that I’m thirty… HOLY SHIT IM A SPINSTER, AND WILL DIE ALONE! I don’t really believe that, but it seems to be the general consensus. To everyone who believes that, you can get bent. I believe in love, that a relationship can last a lifetime, and all that jazz. I also believe I haven’t found someone who’s crazy is compatible with mine. I didn’t realize there was an expiration date tattooed on my ass…

            Owning my own business- It’s still a very young business, but it’s all mine. You would think people would appreciate all I put into it, and the freedom I have because of it. Usually, they find it intimidating. Say what? This makes me scratch my head too. “It illustrates your independence, and most people want their partner to be a bit more dependent.” For serious? Add to this I’m considering pursuing my doctorate, and potential partners really don’t know what to do. So there’s a chance I could earn more than you. So what? I believe when you’re in a relationship, what you earn is communal. I learned that from my parents. A relationship is a partnership. My father went to work everyday, and together they decided my mother would stay home. Still, when my father talks about retirement, it’s “their retirement”. He’s never lorded over her head the fact he went out and earned money for the both of them. He’s a strong enough man to know everything my mother did and still does at home is just as important.

            My strong, outgoing personality- I’m friendly, (not to be mistaken for flirty- seriously dudes, I’m just being nice most of the time). I’m an extrovert for sure, can be plopped in the middle of a group of people I don’t know and strike up conversation. This helps me a great deal in what I do for a living, since I’m constantly meeting new people to work with and need to earn their trust quickly to be able to care for them. No, I am not flirting with everyone I work with. No, I’ve never cheated, and I don’t plan to start now. No, I don’t think anything of going out with a bunch of guy friends- we aren’t having mass orgies for pete’s sake! I also don’t feel a need to give you an account of everything I’m up to, and I don’t tolerate possessiveness or jealousy. I won’t be controlled by someone because of his or her insecurities. If I’m with you, then that’s it- I’m yours, and you’re mine. So calm your roll, and let’s enjoy the ride.

            Making my own way- I’ve been told I was born stubborn, my parents knew early on I was a kid who would make her own way. The older I became, the more definite that was. So here I am, thirty years later, and pretty damn comfortable in my skin. My career path has been different than most, and the way I’ve chosen to walk through this little life of mine. That doesn’t mean we can’t find compatibility, things we can share and understand together. Someone please explain why it matters so much the way I’ve done things? I’m just living, doing my thing and seeing where it all takes me. I don’t understand why my journey is so much for people to wrap their head around. I haven’t invented the longer lasting light bulb, won the lottery, or cured cancer. Is it because if I’d followed certain expectations, I’d be married with kids by now? I don’t have ridiculous standards, but I won’t settle either.

            Not caring what people think of me- I’m not saying when people say harsh things it doesn’t hurt. Of course it does. What I’m saying is I refuse to own people’s opinions of me. I won’t carry the weight of their judgment, insecurity, or ignorance. Carrying all of it would crush anyone. So I choose to keep moving, even though now and again something someone says or doesn’t knocks me back a few steps. I get back up, remind myself who I am and all I can do, and keep on steppin’. If I bowed down to what people thought of me, I wouldn’t be here typing this.

            I hope one day someone will get it. They’ll get I can love them the way they’re built, and I’m very willing to learn and adapt to them. I won’t get lost because of it. I’ll still be me. But damn, there is something so cool about being an “us”. People don’t seem to realize how old fashioned I am in many ways, and before my time in others. I don’t believe these things have to be mutually exclusive. I can still be me and have a family, find love, live my dreams. Why is it I am expected to give up so much of what makes up my personality for someone else to be comfortable? I can’t really answer that, so I’m just going to send it out into the void. Let’s see what the void sends back.

I am me.

I cannot live within the confines of your imagination. I will fail you there. I am so much more than the woman you meet once, twice, ten times. I don’t fit in a nifty little box, and to ask me to is to not know me at all.  

            I am not this nebulous being, someone no one can understand. I am my vulnerability as much as I am my strength, my fear as much as my whole-hearted belief in what can and will be done. I am the woman who holds a pillow to my face to stifle the sounds of my angry screams, as much as the woman who sings sweet lullabies to her nieces and nephews as she holds them close.

            You want me to be someone I’m not- someone who meets a bunch of your preconceived checkmarks, expectations I never agreed to. You see- my expectation of you is to try and love me as I am built. Possibly a tall order, because you may have to throw out the window an ideal you’ve carried with you for who knows how long. I will give you chance after chance, because I want to afford you something I’m often not given- more than one shot at seeing who we are.

            Using words like weird or crazy to describe me only shows your ignorance in all I can be if only you were open to the idea of me. They are easy substitutions to show your discomfort with me, with how I speak and with who you believe I am. We may not get along in the end, but who knows what may be or not be? There is no need to know how any story where we are concerned will end; the journey can be well worth whatever the endgame may be.

            I am emotional- this does not mean I am less than you. I honor how I feel, and don’t agree with the idea that being emotional is a bad thing. My emotions are a part of me, just as much as my fashions sense, sarcastic sense of humor, and my constant fear of not knowing enough.

            I dream in color, I speak out of turn, I’m most afraid of failing the people I love, and could be lulled forever by the sound of the ocean. I am dynamic and tenacious. I am my dark, and my light. I seek constantly to understand myself, to shed my skin again and again to become a better version of me.

            I need as much time away from people as I do with them. I’m recharged by the hours I spend all alone, reading and writing and dreaming of what may be. I’m not completely autonomous, but I choose carefully the people I allow to be fixtures in my life.  I’ll hold you dear for the rest of my days if there is an accord between us, I don’t just write people off because of one disagreement, one misunderstanding.

            I will sing and dance through my darkest days; reminding myself there is always hope and darkness cannot last forever. I will always seek to be free of my ignorance, and to understand people as they choose to be seen. I will always ask far too many questions, because my endless curiosity when it comes to people and how they tick never seems to be fully quenched.

            I’ll always seem different, especially to the casual observer. I’ll trip and fall, be impractical, and follow my heart. I’ll react in ways you don’t expect, and see things you probably don’t want me to see. I’ll do my best to never judge you, since being judged is something I’m used to and have never enjoyed.

            If I’ve gleaned anything from this life, I’ve realized how I walk through this world is my choice. What I make of each step is mine to decide, and I refuse to be a victim. I’ll always be the champion, the leading lady in my life. Love me or hate me. Choose to be part of the story, or write yourself out. I’ll continue as I am, being headstrong and stubborn will help me there.

I am me.