I am me.

I cannot live within the confines of your imagination. I will fail you there. I am so much more than the woman you meet once, twice, ten times. I don’t fit in a nifty little box, and to ask me to is to not know me at all.  

            I am not this nebulous being, someone no one can understand. I am my vulnerability as much as I am my strength, my fear as much as my whole-hearted belief in what can and will be done. I am the woman who holds a pillow to my face to stifle the sounds of my angry screams, as much as the woman who sings sweet lullabies to her nieces and nephews as she holds them close.

            You want me to be someone I’m not- someone who meets a bunch of your preconceived checkmarks, expectations I never agreed to. You see- my expectation of you is to try and love me as I am built. Possibly a tall order, because you may have to throw out the window an ideal you’ve carried with you for who knows how long. I will give you chance after chance, because I want to afford you something I’m often not given- more than one shot at seeing who we are.

            Using words like weird or crazy to describe me only shows your ignorance in all I can be if only you were open to the idea of me. They are easy substitutions to show your discomfort with me, with how I speak and with who you believe I am. We may not get along in the end, but who knows what may be or not be? There is no need to know how any story where we are concerned will end; the journey can be well worth whatever the endgame may be.

            I am emotional- this does not mean I am less than you. I honor how I feel, and don’t agree with the idea that being emotional is a bad thing. My emotions are a part of me, just as much as my fashions sense, sarcastic sense of humor, and my constant fear of not knowing enough.

            I dream in color, I speak out of turn, I’m most afraid of failing the people I love, and could be lulled forever by the sound of the ocean. I am dynamic and tenacious. I am my dark, and my light. I seek constantly to understand myself, to shed my skin again and again to become a better version of me.

            I need as much time away from people as I do with them. I’m recharged by the hours I spend all alone, reading and writing and dreaming of what may be. I’m not completely autonomous, but I choose carefully the people I allow to be fixtures in my life.  I’ll hold you dear for the rest of my days if there is an accord between us, I don’t just write people off because of one disagreement, one misunderstanding.

            I will sing and dance through my darkest days; reminding myself there is always hope and darkness cannot last forever. I will always seek to be free of my ignorance, and to understand people as they choose to be seen. I will always ask far too many questions, because my endless curiosity when it comes to people and how they tick never seems to be fully quenched.

            I’ll always seem different, especially to the casual observer. I’ll trip and fall, be impractical, and follow my heart. I’ll react in ways you don’t expect, and see things you probably don’t want me to see. I’ll do my best to never judge you, since being judged is something I’m used to and have never enjoyed.

            If I’ve gleaned anything from this life, I’ve realized how I walk through this world is my choice. What I make of each step is mine to decide, and I refuse to be a victim. I’ll always be the champion, the leading lady in my life. Love me or hate me. Choose to be part of the story, or write yourself out. I’ll continue as I am, being headstrong and stubborn will help me there.

I am me.