“You’re a fixer”- I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this, especially as it pertains to my personal life. I want to believe the best in people- but is it projection? If I make them “better”, will I be better? I’m over here, thinking I’m the Olivia Pope of my life, and to what end? What am I not working on in my own house?
I’m the person my friends call to edit papers, or to review their CV’s. I’m the person my partners and friends use as a sounding board- the mirror they can’t avoid. They know I’ll be honest, I’ll problem solve, I’ll expend all my effort to help them in their time of need. I’m the catch all. I’m the person who will get on the plane, pick up the phone, throw the blanket party, help hide the body...I’m proud of being that person for them. Proud to be dependable, someone the people around me know will always be there.
That all being said- I fall for takers. They aren’t necessarily bad people. To over-simplify the world, I believe it’s comprised of givers and takers. I’m a giver, someone who shows my love mostly through acts of service, and quality time. I’ll give you the world and back again, I’ll put your needs before my own, I’ll make you feel like you are the most important person, because to me you are. Takers are people who happily will take what is given to them. To be fair, it does take a pretty extraordinary person to not walk all over someone who lies down right in front of them… which is what I do.
One of my problems is that I do these things at the expense of myself, and of the relationships I’ve already established in my life. My family, my friends- they see the changes. It doesn’t matter some of them are brave enough to point things out, it isn’t their job to save me from myself and my own decision making.
I think I’m not compromising that much of myself, that I’m really just loving and supporting my partners. I wouldn’t end up crippled by anxiety, experience weight gain, sleep issues, or any of the other fun hints my body throws my way in these relationships if they were the right ones. I’m loyal, I want to believe these people could be my person, and I give them chance after chance- chances and excuses I wouldn’t give to anyone else.
I can’t lay the blame at the other person’s door- the fault lies with me. If I work hard enough, if I pour my heart and soul into someone, then they’ll stay. Or at least that is what I thought in the past. Why not meet someone whole, someone who doesn’t need fixing, doesn’t need me to help bolster their ego, their career, their self esteem…? Instead I see the person with the sign flashing over their head that says, “I need you”. Not, “I want you”.
I know I’m still learning. I know I need to give myself some grace. I also know I don’t need anyone in my life. I want to have someone. I want someone who will take care of me the way I’ll take care of them. That sees I push myself, and my expectations will always be the highest for me. Someone who makes me check my fixer hat at the door. Reminds me I am as important as they are. I am a priority, I am important. We’re partners, not just me bolstering them.
I’ve got to look in the mirror and know I deserve better, no- the best. If I give them the world and back again, I deserve the same in return. Let them be the fixer too.
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