I know things don't occur in a vacuum. I know this, and yet... Seriously Niki- it's not all about you. So why do I take it all on me?
When I haven't got the job, or lose friendships. When relationships don't work out, or whatever. My first instinct is the mentally eviscerate myself. What could I have done better? What can I fix? What do I need to do so this doesn't happen again?
Yea dude, that isn't how it works. Sometimes shit doesn't work out. And though I can learn from each instance, I need to stop making it all about me. There's nothing wrong with taking a self inventory, but I take it to a whole other level. Maybe I didn't fit the parameters of the job. Maybe those friends needed or wanted something I couldn't offer, the same with relationships. It's not for me to say. So why can't I stay in my lane? Why do I take on full responsibility for others? They aren't doing the same for me. They aren't.
The things I've tried and failed at can't all be put at my feet. I'm not even sure when I started operating this way. It's especially bad in my relationships. If I give them my best, they'll have to do the same right? Wrong. I didn't fail them. I didn't fail myself. They chose, and I can't control what they've done with what I had to offer.
I write this, full well knowing I will have to give myself this speech over and over again. Maybe that's why I'm writing it in the first place. It's not my fault. I am not unlovable. I'm smarter than I think. I am fully capable. I am more than worthy. When one of these situations I've highlighted or others don't seemingly go my way- it is not my fault. This isn't even about fault.
I know if I'm prepared, I know if I'm open. I know if I put my best foot forward. That's all I can do. It's all I can offer. It's more than enough. So I need to check my ego at the door, shake it off, and try again.
Wednesday, April 17, 2019
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
Past twitterpatted.
“You like because, and you love despite. You like someone because of all of their qualities, and you love someone despite some of their qualities..."- The Set Up
Twitterpatted. Maybe you don't know what that is. It's when you're head over heels, in the honeymoon phase, googly-eyed over someone. You don't see anything but the good, you start to exhibit aberrant behaviors... you're in.
Then the dust settles a bit. You were "normal" people before meeting one another. You had other priorities before they came onto the scene. So the pendulum swings again.
Now you start to get into the meat of the person. What are their dreams? How do they see things? Will they enhance your happiness, or drain from it?
I have to be a little more aware. I know this about myself. I will always see the potential in people. Let me say that again- I will ALWAYS see the potential in people. I don't just see the good, I see who they can be. Not just my dream version. I have to remember it's okay to encourage, but not to do for them. I can aid them in things, but not problem solve. Funnily enough, I don't ever expect them to reciprocate these things.
Falling is easy. Staying is hard. We've all heard relationships are work, but do we really get it? Even the best of them- the ones when you see your equal and your likeness in them, those are hard work.
All you can do is hope. Hope they choose you everyday the way you choose them. They create space for you, make you a priority. Don't categorize you as a stressful something, rather as someone they want around even on the bad days.
Someone who doesn't just tell you you are special, but understands it. Doesn't abuse what you have to offer. And all of this vice versa. You have to get it too.
Maybe you fall in love. Maybe not. Maybe you build a future. Maybe you don't. It's the remembering not to settle. Not to settle for less than you deserve.
Once you're past twitterpatted, and they still work to meet your love languages. They aren't confused about you, they know. They're open to the possibility... of something. They won't take you for granted.
There's so much magic, heartbreak, and love beyond twitterpatted. When you're ready to let go.
Twitterpatted. Maybe you don't know what that is. It's when you're head over heels, in the honeymoon phase, googly-eyed over someone. You don't see anything but the good, you start to exhibit aberrant behaviors... you're in.
Then the dust settles a bit. You were "normal" people before meeting one another. You had other priorities before they came onto the scene. So the pendulum swings again.
Now you start to get into the meat of the person. What are their dreams? How do they see things? Will they enhance your happiness, or drain from it?
I have to be a little more aware. I know this about myself. I will always see the potential in people. Let me say that again- I will ALWAYS see the potential in people. I don't just see the good, I see who they can be. Not just my dream version. I have to remember it's okay to encourage, but not to do for them. I can aid them in things, but not problem solve. Funnily enough, I don't ever expect them to reciprocate these things.
Falling is easy. Staying is hard. We've all heard relationships are work, but do we really get it? Even the best of them- the ones when you see your equal and your likeness in them, those are hard work.
All you can do is hope. Hope they choose you everyday the way you choose them. They create space for you, make you a priority. Don't categorize you as a stressful something, rather as someone they want around even on the bad days.
Someone who doesn't just tell you you are special, but understands it. Doesn't abuse what you have to offer. And all of this vice versa. You have to get it too.
Maybe you fall in love. Maybe not. Maybe you build a future. Maybe you don't. It's the remembering not to settle. Not to settle for less than you deserve.
Once you're past twitterpatted, and they still work to meet your love languages. They aren't confused about you, they know. They're open to the possibility... of something. They won't take you for granted.
There's so much magic, heartbreak, and love beyond twitterpatted. When you're ready to let go.
Saturday, April 13, 2019
insecurity.
in·se·cu·ri·ty
/ˌinsəˈkyo͝orədē/
noun
- 1.uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.
"But you seem so confident?" I hear it often, actually.
The voice in my head laughs. There are dual sides to everything, isn't there?
I have never felt smart enough. It's why I always study, always read. I'm voracious for information, because if I don't constantly seek knowledge, then the truth will come out. I don't know anything. I am not smart. Everyone will know.
I vacillate between feeling beautiful. The older I get, the more comfortable I am proclaiming it. But it took so long. So long. Once I embraced my skin, the texture of my hair, how much I didn't look like everyone else... Even so, I never feel more beautiful than when my person tells me so. Funny, that.
I don't feel deserving. Of a happy ending. Of my dreams. If was all up to hard work, I would have had several perfect storylines. That is not the case. If it came down to gumption, well goddamn. I wouldn't be writing this. With every twist of the tale, with every unexpected drop in my stomach, I wonder if I will get it.
Then my duality kicks in again. Sometimes the switch flips several times a day. Sometimes swathes of time go by.
So am I insecure? Of course I am. Less often than before, to be sure. That being said, how much sweeter the days I don't feel it at all.
fresh lens.
Look at it through a fresh lens.
You repeat this to yourself over and over. They are different than the rest. Not perfect. Different.
But they inadvertently use the same words, the same phrases. You mentally knee jerk in response.
They aren't the same. This isn't the same.
Remind yourself of the differences. For starters- you are different. You aren't the sixteen year old girl. The twenty-six year old. The thirty-year old. You aren't the in between.
This is the most current and authentic version of you. You've attracted something different. You've chosen differently.
Just because they... that was them. Leave it there.
Look at it through a fresh lens.
You repeat this to yourself over and over. They are different than the rest. Not perfect. Different.
But they inadvertently use the same words, the same phrases. You mentally knee jerk in response.
They aren't the same. This isn't the same.
Remind yourself of the differences. For starters- you are different. You aren't the sixteen year old girl. The twenty-six year old. The thirty-year old. You aren't the in between.
This is the most current and authentic version of you. You've attracted something different. You've chosen differently.
Just because they... that was them. Leave it there.
Look at it through a fresh lens.
Friday, April 12, 2019
beautiful creatures.
Someone asked me recently why I put people before all the rest. Why people are so important to me.
I know I can go it alone. I have. I know I can do, and think, and feel, and experience without companionship.
It's when you invest in them, in people. When you see them for their potential, when you choose to trust in the beautiful creatures they are... jobs come and go. Really everything does. People are here for such a finite amount of time. I just can't imagine the waste of time and effort to put anything but people first.
I get it. I know what I must sound like. So naive. Maybe so.
I have a friend who said to me, "To see it all through your eyes. The way you see the world- through your rose colored glasses. It's a gift. Even more so, you haven't let anyone take that from you."
So I trust. I open up. To a select few. I allow these people to become important to me. More often than not, the choice bears fruit. I chose wisely.
Funnily enough, it's the times I choose poorly that almost ruins it for the rest. I forget about the beauty, the potential. I forget how brilliant and lucky I am to meet people so different or even similar to me.
I lost the trust. I was hurt. I feel hoodwinked and foolish. I come down the hardest on myself for allowing them in. If only I guarded better...
The pendulum always swings and rights itself. I can't operate in those extremes. I don't know how to stop myself from caring, from being a giver. I don't know how to not live within my usual state. To not be me.
I'll keep choosing, then trusting. The ones who came before can't ruin it for the rest.
I know I can go it alone. I have. I know I can do, and think, and feel, and experience without companionship.
It's when you invest in them, in people. When you see them for their potential, when you choose to trust in the beautiful creatures they are... jobs come and go. Really everything does. People are here for such a finite amount of time. I just can't imagine the waste of time and effort to put anything but people first.
I get it. I know what I must sound like. So naive. Maybe so.
I have a friend who said to me, "To see it all through your eyes. The way you see the world- through your rose colored glasses. It's a gift. Even more so, you haven't let anyone take that from you."
So I trust. I open up. To a select few. I allow these people to become important to me. More often than not, the choice bears fruit. I chose wisely.
Funnily enough, it's the times I choose poorly that almost ruins it for the rest. I forget about the beauty, the potential. I forget how brilliant and lucky I am to meet people so different or even similar to me.
I lost the trust. I was hurt. I feel hoodwinked and foolish. I come down the hardest on myself for allowing them in. If only I guarded better...
The pendulum always swings and rights itself. I can't operate in those extremes. I don't know how to stop myself from caring, from being a giver. I don't know how to not live within my usual state. To not be me.
I'll keep choosing, then trusting. The ones who came before can't ruin it for the rest.
space.
It's so fascinating to me, how quickly we create space. Space between bodies. Between minds.
Someone who maybe was so important to you, is all of the sudden no longer part of your normalcy. Years, months, days worth of learned habits abandoned. Cataloged into memory, rather than staying present.
I'm always left wondering- what if we'd known? What if we'd known that was the end, would we act any differently? Would you hold one another a bit longer, kiss them differently?
It strikes me even more how quickly we forget. The tenor of their voice, the feel of their touch. We might smell or see something that reminds us of them but otherwise... then the fade out.
People become past chapters, the let go becomes our reality. Maybe you see them again, maybe not. What then? Pride often steps in to remind you of why you got there, not allowing you to bridge the space between you.
So you keep it. The space. You rewrite the narrative in a way your brain can process. You move forward.
Then there is truly nothing but space. At least, that's one way it could play out.
Maybe the space is closed again. You'd hope for that, wouldn't you?
Someone who maybe was so important to you, is all of the sudden no longer part of your normalcy. Years, months, days worth of learned habits abandoned. Cataloged into memory, rather than staying present.
I'm always left wondering- what if we'd known? What if we'd known that was the end, would we act any differently? Would you hold one another a bit longer, kiss them differently?
It strikes me even more how quickly we forget. The tenor of their voice, the feel of their touch. We might smell or see something that reminds us of them but otherwise... then the fade out.
People become past chapters, the let go becomes our reality. Maybe you see them again, maybe not. What then? Pride often steps in to remind you of why you got there, not allowing you to bridge the space between you.
So you keep it. The space. You rewrite the narrative in a way your brain can process. You move forward.
Then there is truly nothing but space. At least, that's one way it could play out.
Maybe the space is closed again. You'd hope for that, wouldn't you?
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
kwir (queer)
queer
/kwir/
adjective
- 1.strange; odd.
You don't have to get it. This isn't for you. I don't have to explain why I love who I love. Sleep with, or who I don't sleep with.Their genders don't matter to me.
Coming out is difficult enough. Acknowledging an "otherness" that is just as much a part of me as my curly hair, my freckles, and the tenor of my voice. A part of my soul, my chemical make up.
"Why come out at all?" I didn't come out for you. I came out for me. Before it was like the feeling you get when you've been holding your breath for too long. The pain in your chest, the ache. Knowing I'm being honest now. Authentic. I can breathe again.
It makes sense though, my being queer. I always felt out of step. Always felt different. the older I got, the more it made sense. I felt more complete when I understood I could love people for who they really were.
I tried confining myself for a time- 'choose one or the other, girl. You should know.' It's only now I realize I was the only one putting braces on my brains.
I'll love you for all the things I'm not, and the things we'll have in common. I'll love you for making me feel like I'm the only one you see, because that's how I'd see you. I'll love you however you identify, however you present yourself to me. I'll love your otherness, or lack thereof.
My love sees no color, no gender, no borders- and thrives beyond fear.
her part 2.
Looking at you hurt.
You didn't look the same. There was something different about your eyes, your demeanor. The curve of your shoulders, the way you sat in front of me. Even when we hugged goodbye, there was a hollowness there.
Knowing the choices that brought us here, both mine and yours. let's be honest- mostly yours. Especially in the end.
Hearing the things I wanted you to say back then, knowing you might actually grasp what was lost here.
Me. I was lost.
Being able to tell you how I felt. Knowing I was justified further in those feelings. You knew what you did was wrong. Heinous. Forgivable, but not forgettable.
In the days after, I wondered about what could have been. A path I hadn't allowed before. It was far too painful. The sense of loss too great.
This one was far different than the rest. You knew that. You knew.
I dreamed with you. I built with, for, and around you. Sacrificed. I left it all out there. I nearly broke after you.
I'm thankful now for being able to remember more of the good than the bad. I told you I missed the fun. I meant it. I can remember the bad too, but I'm choosing. It's all still there, the emotional scars you don't see. I don't need to reopen them.
I wish I could trust you again, but know I can't. I couldn't be open with you either. Too much happened. I've changed. I don't know that you have. I don't know who you are.
And I'm afraid. Afraid of ever letting you back in. An unwelcome visitor. So I won't.
Instead I'll tuck you away, with my memories of the rest. The what ifs. The almosts. The never agains.
You didn't look the same. There was something different about your eyes, your demeanor. The curve of your shoulders, the way you sat in front of me. Even when we hugged goodbye, there was a hollowness there.
Knowing the choices that brought us here, both mine and yours. let's be honest- mostly yours. Especially in the end.
Hearing the things I wanted you to say back then, knowing you might actually grasp what was lost here.
Me. I was lost.
Being able to tell you how I felt. Knowing I was justified further in those feelings. You knew what you did was wrong. Heinous. Forgivable, but not forgettable.
In the days after, I wondered about what could have been. A path I hadn't allowed before. It was far too painful. The sense of loss too great.
This one was far different than the rest. You knew that. You knew.
I dreamed with you. I built with, for, and around you. Sacrificed. I left it all out there. I nearly broke after you.
I'm thankful now for being able to remember more of the good than the bad. I told you I missed the fun. I meant it. I can remember the bad too, but I'm choosing. It's all still there, the emotional scars you don't see. I don't need to reopen them.
I wish I could trust you again, but know I can't. I couldn't be open with you either. Too much happened. I've changed. I don't know that you have. I don't know who you are.
And I'm afraid. Afraid of ever letting you back in. An unwelcome visitor. So I won't.
Instead I'll tuck you away, with my memories of the rest. The what ifs. The almosts. The never agains.
The "Crying in my car" routine
"Maybe I'm lookin' for something I can't have?" the lyric is repeated over and over, and now I'm crying while I'm driving. Shit. This is starting to become a thing.
I used to keep most of my crying to the shower, or put on a movie that would evoke enough emotion to get me to cry. Well, I'm getting older, and it's sure as hell getting harder to hide. It's not just crying for any reason either- the frustrating part is now I've got to try and figure it out. Not today though. I knew exactly why I was crying like a prize idiot- because I feel like one.
I've never liked timelines. I haven't done a damn thing in my life on an expected timeline. Now there is this one thing looming... yep that's the best word for it. Looming. I can't help but get really bent about it. Now my sad crying has turned to frustrated crying. This is when I shake my fist like you see them do in the movies, and declare how life isn't fair! Duh buddy, it isn't fair.
I don't look or act my age. I turn 35 in less than 2 months. 3-5. Da Fuq. Though my Peter Pan complex is still alive and well in all other aspects... man, I want to be a mum. 'BUT I WANNA DO ALL THE OTHER THINGS TOO!' I yell back at myself. Then the crying really kicks in, because stupid Justin Timberlake songs come on, and I wonder if kids are in the cards.
I'm not even sure I've come close to having them. Ever. I become half of these relationships where they say they want the same things... then it turns out 2, 3, 4 years down the line they don't want any of the things I want, and now I've compromised myself into another corner. Great job, Niki. Way to knock it out of the park. By knock it out of the park, I mean hit it right to the damn pitcher, and get out at first base over and over and over again. You're killin' me, smalls.
Am I someone who will do this on her own? Or will I really find someone who suits me, will compromise along with me, who knows you don't have to lose yourself to support a loved ones dreams? Sure- merging timelines of what we want means things wont happen the way we originally planned. Goddamn it, just for once can I have this? This timeline? Can the stars align, I meet "them" we get to know one another, fall in love, and I'm not gonna be sitting at 40, look back and think I blew it again? Am I just too romantic for my own good?
So I'll keep toolin' along. Making plans as if kids aren't in the plans. Obviously the crying in my car isn't going away anytime soon, so maybe I should add some happier songs to my playlists. Ones my brain can't misconstrue to mean anything. Ima go with "Rainbow Connection" by the Muppets. That should work.
I used to keep most of my crying to the shower, or put on a movie that would evoke enough emotion to get me to cry. Well, I'm getting older, and it's sure as hell getting harder to hide. It's not just crying for any reason either- the frustrating part is now I've got to try and figure it out. Not today though. I knew exactly why I was crying like a prize idiot- because I feel like one.
I've never liked timelines. I haven't done a damn thing in my life on an expected timeline. Now there is this one thing looming... yep that's the best word for it. Looming. I can't help but get really bent about it. Now my sad crying has turned to frustrated crying. This is when I shake my fist like you see them do in the movies, and declare how life isn't fair! Duh buddy, it isn't fair.
I don't look or act my age. I turn 35 in less than 2 months. 3-5. Da Fuq. Though my Peter Pan complex is still alive and well in all other aspects... man, I want to be a mum. 'BUT I WANNA DO ALL THE OTHER THINGS TOO!' I yell back at myself. Then the crying really kicks in, because stupid Justin Timberlake songs come on, and I wonder if kids are in the cards.
I'm not even sure I've come close to having them. Ever. I become half of these relationships where they say they want the same things... then it turns out 2, 3, 4 years down the line they don't want any of the things I want, and now I've compromised myself into another corner. Great job, Niki. Way to knock it out of the park. By knock it out of the park, I mean hit it right to the damn pitcher, and get out at first base over and over and over again. You're killin' me, smalls.
Am I someone who will do this on her own? Or will I really find someone who suits me, will compromise along with me, who knows you don't have to lose yourself to support a loved ones dreams? Sure- merging timelines of what we want means things wont happen the way we originally planned. Goddamn it, just for once can I have this? This timeline? Can the stars align, I meet "them" we get to know one another, fall in love, and I'm not gonna be sitting at 40, look back and think I blew it again? Am I just too romantic for my own good?
So I'll keep toolin' along. Making plans as if kids aren't in the plans. Obviously the crying in my car isn't going away anytime soon, so maybe I should add some happier songs to my playlists. Ones my brain can't misconstrue to mean anything. Ima go with "Rainbow Connection" by the Muppets. That should work.
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