The "Crying in my car" routine

"Maybe I'm lookin' for something I can't have?" the lyric is repeated over and over, and now I'm crying while I'm driving. Shit. This is starting to become a thing.

I used to keep most of my crying to the shower, or put on a movie that would evoke enough emotion to get me to cry. Well, I'm getting older, and it's sure as hell getting harder to hide. It's not just crying for any reason either- the frustrating part is now I've got to try and figure it out. Not today though. I knew exactly why I was crying like a prize idiot- because I feel like one.

I've never liked timelines. I haven't done a damn thing in my life on an expected timeline. Now there is this one thing looming... yep that's the best word for it. Looming. I can't help but get really bent about it. Now my sad crying has turned to frustrated crying. This is when I shake my fist like you see them do in the movies, and declare how life isn't fair! Duh buddy, it isn't fair.

I don't look or act my age. I turn 35 in less than 2 months. 3-5. Da Fuq. Though my Peter Pan complex is still alive and well in all other aspects... man, I want to be a mum. 'BUT I WANNA DO ALL THE OTHER THINGS TOO!' I yell back at myself. Then the crying really kicks in, because stupid Justin Timberlake songs come on, and I wonder if kids are in the cards.

I'm not even sure I've come close to having them. Ever. I become half of these relationships where they say they want the same things... then it turns out 2, 3, 4 years down the line they don't want any of the things I want, and now I've compromised myself into another corner. Great job, Niki. Way to knock it out of the park. By knock it out of the park, I mean hit it right to the damn pitcher, and get out at first base over and over and over again. You're killin' me, smalls.

Am I someone who will do this on her own? Or will I really find someone who suits me, will compromise along with me, who knows you don't have to lose yourself to support a loved ones dreams? Sure- merging timelines of what we want means things wont happen the way we originally planned. Goddamn it, just for once can I have this? This timeline? Can the stars align, I meet "them" we get to know one another, fall in love, and I'm not gonna be sitting at 40, look back and think I blew it again? Am I just too romantic for my own good?

So I'll keep toolin' along. Making plans as if kids aren't in the plans. Obviously the crying in my car isn't going away anytime soon, so maybe I should add some happier songs to my playlists. Ones my brain can't misconstrue to mean anything. Ima go with "Rainbow Connection" by the Muppets. That should work.